Why You Should Give a F*ck

The (Not so Subtle) Difference Between Striving for Happiness and Not Caring

One specific mindset seems to be dominating my generation and even more so the digital natives: The pursuit of happiness. Do whatever makes you happy, ignore everything else. Get rid of your past, surround yourself with positive people, cut relationships with people who drag you down.

There’s a book in the bestsellers titled The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. When I first saw a copy in the bookstore, it stirred up an emotion in me that’s best described as something between fury and desperation. This attitude of “not giving a fuck” is exactly what’s wrong with the world, I thought to myself — it’s destructive for our society.

I’ve been traveling for a while now and while I have met plenty of wonderful people, I always run into those who have made the claim of that book their motto for life: Fuck what other people think. Fuck politics. Fuck the law. Do whatever pleases you.

Bad vibes are contagious

While striving for happiness is a natural desire that all of us share and not inherently bad, it’s vastly misinterpreted. It is true that “bad vibes” are contagious. When we have to deal with people who constantly complain about everything, there are only two possible ways how we might react: Either we begin to think alike over time, possibly without noticing, or we build up some aggression ourselves because we are getting more and more annoyed by how that other person can complain so much. In any case, those bad vibes will have a negative impact on our happiness.

The same applies to people who are sick or have any other kind of a problem. When we have to deal with people who have a lethal disease, we’re constantly confronted with death and suffering. When we talk to someone who has been unemployed for a year, it’s going to drag us down for sure. All these things affect our happiness, in a rather negative way.

It seems like the only logical course of action for us to be happy is to cut all these connections and simply not give a fuck. However, that kind of hedonism is very shortsighted.

Should we avoid people who make us unhappy?

Our society is built upon cooperation and mutual respect. If we abandon people just because we feel like they are not contributing to our own happiness, we might feel happier in the short-run but it will eventually reflect back on us badly in the long-run.

Pain is part of our lives. It can hit anyone, at any time — may it be because you lose a loved one, because you get sick or simply because something doesn’t turn out the way you want. It is a difficult emotion to experience which is why it is so important that we can share it with others. Sharing pain relieves the pain and thereby increases our happiness. This is only possible if there are others who are willing to listen.

The pity is that everyone will experience pain sooner or later. When you make it a rule to always avoid people who moan or suffer, it won’t be long until you have no-one left who will be there for you when you are in pain. It’s evident that this logic is flawed.

Pain is a source of growth

Another aspect that is commonly overseen by happiness radicals is that comforting people who are in pain usually comes with a great “return of investment”. You might need to invest some happiness when you listen to someone else’s sad or annoying stories, but in many cases you get a big bunch of happiness back when you feel that you could actually help the other person or take away some of their pain.

Lastly, pain is a major tool for learning, a source of growth. That’s why parents should not keep their children from falling on their nose every now and then, despite the fact that they will start to cry. After all, this is how they learn to walk! When we try to avoid pain by any means in order to maintain our high level of happiness, we might not be able to thrive anymore. But thriving, getting better at something, exploring our own potential, is what makes us human, and what ultimately results in a great amount happiness.

Our happiness depends on others

It is a misguided belief that we are fully in control of our own happiness. As humans, we are part of a complex network of relationships, communities and rules. Other people affect us with their behavior and decisions everyday — may it be politicians, our boss or other colleagues at work, our neighbor or our family. If we don’t give a fuck about what they do, we put a great part of our happiness in their hands.

If our government decides to destroy our planet (purposefully or not), we might not be happy for very long if we don’t interfere. If a colleague provides us with some critical feedback and we don’t even consider if she might be right, we will certainly not improve or might even lose our job at some point. The world is a lot better off if we do care about each other, and so is everyone of us as an individual.

Caring about others doesn’t mean that we should let them take control of our lives though. We can achieve the greatest happiness for ourselves when we learn to listen to others but evaluate on a case-by-case basis if we react and what we do about it. (In other words: We need to choose what we give a fuck about.)

Positivity

Not giving a fuck about what other people think and do is easy. It might make you happier for a while because it makes you feel like you don’t depend on anyone and you are free to do whatever you want. In reality, however, we all do depend on others and as such, not giving a fuck has quite the opposite effect in the long-run.

Luckily, “positive vibes” are just as contagious as “negative vibes”. The key to happiness is not to keep all unpleasant things out of your life but to learn how to handle them properly. If you manage to keep a positive attitude towards the people around you and towards life in general, you will be able to enjoy life more and spread those positive vibes to others as well.

Epilogue

The funny thing is that by the time I wrote this article, I had only read the title of Mark Manson’s book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I was just about to publish the article, when it occurred to me that it might be a good idea to — maybe — first read that book before ranting on its title.

Turns out that was a good decision. It’s a brilliant book that actually teaches the opposite of what its title suggests. Its core message is that you should not give a fuck about superficial values but instead choose wisely what to give a fuck about. It emphasizes that you should care about important values in your life and to reevaluate those values every now and then. In fact, the contents of the book and this article are surprisingly similar in large parts. If you enjoyed reading this text, I highly recommend you to read the book.*

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* This is no advertisement. I am not affiliated with the author of the book in any way and I do not get any compensation for writing this.