Whatever Happened to Uncle Carmine?

Growing up in our Italian family there were lots of “uncles.” There were Uncle Joeys, and Uncle Johnnies, and Uncle Frankies, and Uncle Nickies, and Uncle Vinnies… Some uncles — like one of the Uncle Vinnies and this other uncle, Jimmy, especially — were real assholes. Others, like Uncle Carmine, were really cool. He was my favorite uncle. He’d play this game with you every time you saw him — he’d hide a $5 bill in one hand and a $100 in the other and tell you to pick a hand, and somehow you always managed to only win the five. 
All these uncles, they’d come and go, and usually when you just started getting attached to them.
I’d ask, “Dad, whatever happened to Uncle Johnny?”
He’d say, “Which one?”
“You know, the fat one,” or “the one with the lazy eye,” or “the one with 4 fingers,” etc.
And Dad would say, “Oh! Yeah, Uncle [insert name] — he won’t be coming around any more.” 
He’d then go on to explain how Uncle Johnny, “moved down to Miami — permanently,” or that Uncle Vinny, “went back to Italy,” or that Uncle Carmine, “just kinda disappeared.”
Every once in a while some real serious-looking guys in matching suits — Anglos (as my Dad called them) — definitely not Italians, and always in the same kind of car, too — they would show up asking questions about one of my uncles. My Dad wouldn’t let them in. He’d yell at them to fuck off and tell them to come back when they got somethin’.
I’d ask, “Dad, who were those guys?”
“Fuckin’ Jehovah’s, looking for your Uncle [insert name]. Never talk to them or let them in the house — EVER.”
So to this day, when the Jehovah’s come to the door, I always yell at them to fuck off and come back when they got somethin’ on Uncle Carmine.

— P.

Phil Autelitano is founder and CEO of Mediarazzi — we develop and produce TV channels for connected TV platforms including Roku, Amazon Fire TV and Apple TV, as well as distributing content to Netflix and Hulu. Visit www.mediarazzi.com for details.