A Day At Evangelical Disneyland

My Pilgrimage to “Noah’s Ark”

Feeling “Small” next to Noah’s Giant Metaphorical Phallus

Behold The Holy ARK!

I breeze down Interstate 75 through the Northern Kentucky countryside. After driving for about an hour, I pull off in the tiny town of Williamstown, Kentucky. My GPS leads me into a giant parking lot behind a nondescript motel. An elderly gentleman with a warm smile waves me into my parking space. I have arrived at Disneyland for Evangelical Christians.

A bus takes guests across the street from the parking lot onto a nearly barren parcel of land. The life-sized replica of Noah’s Ark sits alone in the empty field. “This is just the beginning,” a middle-aged blonde woman selling lemonade outside the attraction tells me. She touches my shoulder and directs my gaze to the left, “over here will be a replica of the Tower of Babel, and then we will reconstruct the ancient city of Jerusalem behind the Ark.”

I walk down a long pathway leading to the boat. I stop multiple times at various vantage points, assisting families struggling to take selfies with the ship.

I meet animatronic Noah and his family inside the Ark. They kneel on the carpet and beg the Lord for mercy.

As I move deeper into the Ark, a series of exhibits teach me how man enraged God.

In the beginning, God creates a perfect world. Adam, the first man on earth lives in the Garden of Eden. He walks around naked, wearing only a scraggily beard and third-rate Jew-fro. All of Earth’s creatures live in harmony. Adam cuddles with feral pigs and sabertooth tigers. All is perfect.

However man soon descends into darkness, engaging in abominations such as music and metalworking. Man abuses his creator, hunting animals like the dinosaur to the brink of extinction.Worst of all, man forsakes the lord and lives an excessively hedonistic lifestyle that consists primarily of partying, drinking and fucking.

God decides he has no choice but to kill everybody in the world except for one righteous man and his family. He calls upon the Noah, the strongest 600 year old man in all the land to build an ark. (Note to reader: Although Bernie Sanders looks ancient, he actually wasn’t born until shortly after the flood ended.)

Noah loads two animals of each species onto his ark including….

Midget Giraffes

Mopey rhinos

And of course, velociraptors

All animal enclosures are built to code after scrupulous examination from a brigade of biblical inspectors on mechanized scooters.

Noah finally exits his ark after a yearlong cruise. God transforms the world from a giant Pangea of land into the modern continents that we see today. Sediment deposits and erosion from the flood form geographic marvels such as the Himalayas and the Grand Canyon.

Noah sends out a dove. He commands the bird to show him proof that the waters have receded. The dove returns with an olive branch signaling to Noah that the world is once again habitable.

As I exit the Ark, the snake that tricked Eve into eating that apple gives me some interesting food for thought.