Jill of all trades. Things you wont find on my c.v.

Phoenix Null
Nov 1 · 3 min read

Hello the internet. My name’s Phoenix and I’m currently unemployed. Unfortunately my work history reads like a conspiracy theorists secret map of Illuminati sightings. I have gaps, I have temp work dotted everywhere and I have very specific skills that upon first glance don’t seem all that worthwhile… of course, that might be the self-doubt talking.

Despite working for over 10 years in a broadcast medium, doing everything from making tea right up to managing radio stations, it is sadly the case that my wonderful abilities are overlooked, and as such the impostor syndrome and lack of self esteem can rage pretty high around these parts.

To throw all modesty out the window though, here I’ve devised an alternative C.V (resumé) to quash those niggling doubts that I am not an attractive candidate for oh so many jobs and showcase the many ridiculous things you cannot possibly know about a person from their C.V.

Education:
Old as balls and taught in a school that was entirely fine with denying me access to a G.S.C.E course because “it would take a space away from a boy”. Actually taught touch typing skills and how to properly compose a letter in a female “Keyboarding” classes. 9/10 for sexism Easington Comprehensive! Ingrained misogyny from early years!

Went to a college in a city miles away from home & learnt how to take care of myself as well as navigating a re-invention of my whole personality & the sheer amount of toxicity inherent in a young woman attending a technical training course. “Entertainment Industries — Stagecraft” — didn’t quite live up to expectations.

University in the turn of the Millennium was an interesting time. Nothing was quite polished enough & being one of the first lot to start including websites in your bibliography highlights a lot about the growing gap in who was teaching us how to “do” media and how us born-in-the-80’s kids were actually interacting with it. Old enough to remember a time before the internet, but also grew up figuring it out.

Skills:
*Photography — self taught, but despite the shocking eyesight, I do know how to compose a shot & how important lighting is. Selfies skills legendary.
*DIY level 100+ — Have a knack for fixing everything but roofs. Always leave some things to experts.
* Gardening, why yes, I can and will get up to my eyeballs in muck for the sake of eating my own veg & having something nice to look at.
* Social Media? Bitch please, I know what is going on in the world entirely due to my constant online-ness. Have never been out-meme’d.
* Apparently I am “one who gets shit done” and “once u have decided to Do The Thing by god do u Do The Thing” to quote the boyfriend.

Experience:
Working day by day in a community management committee alongside people who actively took a dislike to everything I suggested to make our lives easier. Very happy to drag people kicking & screaming into the 21st Century.

Entirely at home on any piece of technology no matter how expensive. Have researched, purchased, wired in, set up/dismantled and repaired all manner of a/v equipment — and then taught it to others. Luddites, men who wont read manuals, and all levels in-between.

Able to approach anybody in any setting. Weird guy who is over friendly, group of old ladies who fear change, kids who are already bored before you open your mouth, middle class tories who have a notion that they are in charge of everything — all will crumble before my inherent ability to give exactly the right amount of interest/disinterest, northerness/politeness, kindness/authority that is required in any situation.

Hobbies:
Gaming — If I didn’t need money to eat or to move my arse once in a while I would be playing videogames 20 something hours a day. My knowledge of gaming, streaming, esports, gaming conventions, industry news, websites, critics, memes — never to be questioned.

Wrestling — I grew up playing with wrestling figures, and watching old World of Sport. No I don’t care to learn move names, but I will drag you to my fav live shows in the north.

Gym — I will never have children, (thank the gods) so I have instead the whole of my life to dedicate to getting strong enough to fight anyone. This is a recent development admittedly, so currently I’d estimate my strength levels at “able to take a chicken”

References:
You should probably just ask my twitter followers on a scale of 1/10 “Would you give this woman money to hang around?”

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