Antony’s 2016 California voter guide for hot people who care and have time to spare
Featuring all 34 candidates!
This year is a very special election year, because Barbara Boxer is retiring, and a lot of people are vying for her Senate spot. It’s really important that we elect the right person to the Senate, mostly because the incumbency rate is typically over 90% (or, in California, 100% since 1994). In other words, the result of this election could affect (haunt?) us for about a quarter century.
Now, the purpose of this voting guide is not to just outright tell you who to vote for. With so many candidates (thirty four!) I think it’s far more valuable to identify those who are unqualified due to insanity and let you, hot voter, do the rest. Let’s start off strong with:
Third Party Candidates
There are 4 people running on a third party platform, and 11 people with no party affiliation.
Pamela Elizondo (Green)
Elizondo’s platform, according to her latest campaign video, is for the following:
- “Legalize marijuana, grow everywhere for all it’s [sic] uses [gasoline, non-toxic biodegradable plastic wrap for food, hydro & nuclear energy, parents for baby trees, clean air, food, water, failing economy & environment.”
- - 5. Boring tax stuff that is vague but basically wants to divert money towards saving the earth.
The video is over an hour long, even with editing. I like that she refers to notes written on the back of an envelope. Anyway, it really seems heavy on marijuana and taxes. If your primary concern does happen to be growing marijuana everywhere “for all its uses” (including parents for baby trees, what is that about) she might be the candidate for you. Not thaaaat insane.
Mark Herd (Libertarian)
He’s from Westwood, and campaigned there for councilmember one time. The Daily Bruin did not like him. His platform is pretty typically Libertarian tax cutting, isolationist, de-regulation, anti-Obama stuff. Seems like a not insane person though.
Gail Lightfoot (Libertarian)
She wants to do a lot of things, including end the war on drugs, abolish the Federal Reserve, prosecute ISIS members as war criminals. Not that insane. Big fan of Barry Goldwater.
John Thompson Parker (Peace and Freedom)
A self-proclaimed socialist and communist, whose platform apparently is focused on the Black Lives Matter movement, and the $15 minimum wage, which are both important things. I don’t get the sense that he’s the full package for all the other things that are required of a Senator, though. Not that insane.
Mike Beitiks (Independent)
Alright, our first unaffiliated candidate. Let’s see what’s going on here.
Yup, I think his website says it all. He’s big on fighting climate change, and nothing else. Some excerpts:
“ I am not a psychopath[.]”
“ I am not a scientist, or an engineer, or a time-traveler, or whatever the kind of person is who will hands-on actually fix the climate.”
“ Take all of the rich people’s money, put it toward fighting climate change. Then, take all of the poor people’s money, put that toward fighting climate change. Basically, nobody gets money anymore until no more climate change.”
“ Cutting down a tree will now be called “arbortion.” You can’t perform an arbortion unless the government says it’s OK.”
“ No new jobs. I’ve never understood why everyone’s always talking about job creation being important to winning elections. Everyone I know hates their jobs. And jobs create a lot of CO2. Commuting, printing money, etc…”
This guy is great. Pretty insane though.
Eleanor Garcia (Socialist Workers Party)
I’m having a hard time finding information about her, aside from her having been a member of several unions (steelworkers, transportation, food, auto workers). But no dedicated website for her platform. So far, not that insane.
Tim Gildersleeve (Independent)
Oh, here we go. “I would deem myself a Christocrat (with the definition of this being of recognizing the resurrected King Jesus Christ as rightful ruler of planet Earth). I have no intention of creating such a political party nor would I want to see one created. It is an individual choice.”
Aside from the Christendom stuff, he seems like a normal guy with normal, vague concerns about economic and moral decline in our country. I appreciate his moderation about establishing a Christocracy. Fairly insane. Insane, but fair, is what I mean.
Clive Grey (Independent)
From his website he seems like a normal guy with a well-rounded and actually quite reasonable platform that is pro animal rights, prison reform, clean energy, immigration, and so on. He also has a cringey slogan: “Don’t vote red. Don’t vote blue. Vote Grey!” Ugh.
Don Grundmann (Independent)
Not sure how this guy managed to grab the domain name fight-the-power.org, but he did. Anyway he’s the only candidate so far who outright opposes NAMBLA, which until this moment I had thought had only been a running gag on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but is a real-life pedophilia advocacy organization. WHAT THE HELL.
Anyway, he also wants to repeal NAFTA, NATO, the Federal Reserve, and the IRS, and wants to leave the U.N. He’s 100% pro-life, anti-homosexual, doesn’t believe in global warming or vaccines, and thinks the way to stop racism is to defund Planned Parenthood.
Oh, totally insane. But the only person brave enough to speak out against NAMBLA.
Jason Hanania (Independent)
He’s the guy who wrote the letter e in binary in the voter information guide. He’s basically going to be a robot that will vote however a majority of his constituency “evotes” online through some app. Oh, voting on the Internet has never turned out poorly.
Not insane, but idiotic.
Jason Kraus (Independent)
Kraus is what happens when a motivational speaker and high schooler’s diary join forces and run for Senate. Here are excerpts from his webpage:
- As the moon does her job with gentle waves, we step forward as Citizens of the greatest nation in the history of man to do ours, standing shoulder to shoulder in defense of freedom.
- Your greatest asset or largest liability can be found in the mirror every morning…if you have the courage to look. Take a good look!!!
- Two corrupt wings. One dying bird. (referring to the two parties, and America)
So insane. But poetic sometimes?
Paul Merritt (Independent)
He did get all hot and bothered because all the Independents were listed as No Party Preference in state-supplied voter information documents. Not insane, and not that interesting.
Gar Myers (Independent)
Pro military, anti immigration, pro environment, anti common core education requirements, anti $15 wage. A pretty normal campaign going on here, not too insane.
Ling Ling Shi (Independent)
Yes, she wrote “Run for God’s Heart and America’s Freedom” and “challenge 10 giant chaos in U.S. economy and economy-related sectors with God’s given ideas.”
“Turning U.S. government tax revenues into the lakes of love and the rivers of blessing to benefit all people living in this beautiful and amazing land, a land of bravery and freedom and dream, a land carried on the wings of Faith, Hope and Love, a nation built on the foundation of Christianity, by the Mercy, Forgiveness, Guidance, Grace and Love from Almighty God”
Once you get past all that, her policy positions are actually quite reasonable, if vague. It just seems like her political campaign is ancillary to her religious one.
Not to be confused with Ling Ling Chang, who is running for CA State Senate, and is a normal, sane person.
Scott Vineberg (Independent)
I can’t find any info on his platform or any recent media he’s produced aside from this Youtube video showing off the weird crap in his house. No idea what’s going on here. Less insane than just incompetent.
Democratic Party Candidates
There are seven candidates affiliated with the Democratic party, of which Kamala Harris is the clear frontrunner, and Loretta Sanchez the likely second place candidate. Since two candidates move on from the primary to the general election, this is probably it. But that doesn’t mean the party’s not full of crazy this year!
President Cristina Nicole Grappo
Yes, starting off strong. President Grappo’s Facebook page is full of all-caps entreaties that, strangely, reference MasterCard, Discover, and American Express. Her campaign website, whitehouse.gold, keeps referring to itself as whitehouse.gov or senate.gov, which are totally different websites that she does not maintain. The contact page has a banner that reads “Whitehouse.gov @ www.senate.gov”, followed by “Contact us @ Whitehouse.Gov/Whitehouse.Gold.” It seems like the kind of website your grandparent would accidentally go to while trying to find whitehouse.gov.
Her campaign promises are almost syntactically valid: “ The Office of United States Senator Representing the State of California is geared to represent the REAL needs of all constituents, factions, and leaders in order to provide the perfect guidance, while also working strategically with law enforcement, U.S. military, educators, students, diversity, professionals, charity groups, businesses, the religious, and the heart of champions.”
The heart of champions?! What the hell is this. TOTALLY INSANE.
She’s the current California Attorney General, and the first female attorney general. Oh, and the first African-American attorney general. Oh, and the first Asian-American attorney general. She’s had a long enough political career that it’s not been without controversy. Her platform is too complicated to show, but it’s very… normal? She’s not the frontrunner for nothing.
Not insane. Will probably win.
Her voter information blurb is pretty normal except for one phrase: “ending mind control slavery.” I thought this was worth looking into. From her website:
“My candidacy represents expanding the 13th Amendment to explicitly include electromagnetic human behavior and cognitive control (mind control) as a form of human slavery. What freedom is there, I ask, if there is not the freedom to think one’s own thoughts free from interferance [sic] such as that from Voice to Skull (V2K) mind control technology […] ?”
“Innocent United States citizen victims of applied non-consensual mass mind control experimentation technologies experience those effects, and the numbers of people being targeted are dramatically increasing.”
“My candidacy represents congressional investigations into and legislation to ban non-consensual human experimentation and mind control slavery by means of satellite weapons systems and GWEN Tower platforms among others as well as weather modification systems such as HAARP that is also able to be used as a mind control weapon along with directed microwave mind control radiation as violations of the 8th Amendment of the United States Constitution which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment as victims are subjected to painful targeted electromagnetic behavior modification based on torturous methods that are inimical to freedom that may be experienced through applied. V2K (Voice to Skull) mind control technology. This technology is capable of. stimulating the human nervous system to cause sexual stimulation that is a form of rape and is also capable of causing physical mutilations and permanent disabilities that are experienced by victims.”
For reference, as I have just learned, GWEN stands for ground wave emergency network; GWEN towers were originally conceived to allow for communication in the case of an EMP attack. They are no longer being built, or in use. HAARP, the High Frequency Active Auroral Research program, was intended to see if the ionosphere could be used to improve radio communications and surveillance. Neither system seems capable of remotely inducing sexual stimulation or mind control.
So. Much. Insane.
This is the self-described Andrew Jackson Democrat. Very Christian guy. One page on his website covers his reconciliation of the Bible and science. At the bottom, he’s endorsed by none other than Tim Gildersleeve!
Amazing. Fairly insane.
Has a fairly normalized, Bernie Sanders-esque platform. Is finishing his 21 day hunger strike on June 6.
Not that insane. Has got to be pretty hungry by now.
A member of the House of Representatives since 1997, Sanchez has voted consistently liberal. She is the most likely runner up in this primary. Not insane.
Stokes is running a pretty typical liberal campaign: anti Citizens United, pro GMO labeling, pro term limits. Not insane.
Republican Party Candidates
Let’s see if there’s any crazy growing over here among the 12 Republican candidates.
Conlon is running a typical business- and smaller government-oriented conservative campaign. One of his platform points that stands out is his stance on immigration; in particular, to “resolve immigration issues by strengthening our borders, enforcing the terms of visas legally issued to foreign citizens and reducing all Federal funding to so-called sanctuary cities. The nation needs to solve this [sic] issues to avoid losing desirable high paying jobs to foreign students overstaying their visas.” Yowch. Not that insane, but not that nice either.
Tom Del Beccaro
This photogenic candidate is pro guns, thinks Obama is weak on foreign policy, and pro flat tax. Interestingly he’s one of the few candidates to bring up the drought as a key topic. Not great, but not incredibly insane.
Neat, this guy is promoting his idea for Democracy 2.0 voting portal, which is an online platform for constituents to drive Von Robo’s actions. Once again, allowing online voting to determine one’s actions has always resulted in the best outcomes. Not insane, but still idiotic.
His webpage makes very few soild promises, and is mostly just vague feel good language, e.g. “American foreign policy should always be predicated on ‘America First’ and adhering to the principles expressed in our ‘American’s Creed’” (emphasis his).
Not very insane, but not very effective.
Laws’s campaign website seems to have been made in the 1990s. The home page has very little info aside from “Jerry Laws will fight to make the United States of America the great nation it once was! ! ! !……………………………………..”, and pictures of eagles. His About page, besides describing himself, features a line of apocalyptic significance: “If we do not do that an honor the Constitution the Lord will have His way with us.” The History page redirects to the About page, because Laws is quite old.
Ha ha. We’ll all get there some day.
OH HO HO Palzer is the only candidate to openly endorse Donald Trump for president. His platform is quite typical conservative fluff otherwise. Surely it’s insane to endorse the Drumpf, but he is the frontrunner… Oh well. INSANE.
The crux of her campaign message rests on “S.A.V.E. the Future,” which stand for Security, Accountability in the economy, Values of America, and Educational excellence. Feels like middle school. Not that insane.
He had a key role in the recall of Gray Davis, so at least he’s proven he can get things done, albeit not great things. Aside from the typical conservative platform, he’s also the only person to go after Kamala Harris. Not that insane.
Unz is an Unzier version of Ron Paul. Interestingly, he is a proponent of higher minimum wage, not anti immigration, and opposes affirmative action, which I haven’t read before from this side of the aisle. Not insane. But maybe not Republican.
Ok, here we go. This guy’s website just quotes the Constitution over and over, pointing at it and saying “See? See?” For example, he says “I believe that we should all read, re-read, and read again the Preamble to the Constitution, and make a concerted national effort to return the federal government to its original status under the Constitution.”
HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING? Insane.
Aside from having typical conservative campaign promises, Wyman says he was involved in writing the three strikes law, which doesn’t seem to have been very effective. But hey, he managed to be involved in the political process! Not that insane.
I can’t find any info on this guy aside from his Facebook page with his cute famiry. But he seems to be all about using engineering to get at our problems, which for him are water shortages and an insecure border. Not terribly insane, although he named his daughter Rainbow, which is the 10,846th most popular girl’s name in America. Wrong decade, Yang!
Welp, there you have it. I believe as of this moment this is the only single page document that gives information on all thirty-four candidates simultaneously, and is definitely the only one to call candidates out on their insanity. I hope you were able to get something out of this; I know I did.