Tribe
It feels surreal that i am finally writing again, The last three months took such a toll on me, so much that I started to forget this part of me. The voices in my head got so used to being ignored that they became an almost silent hum, Now that i can finally pay attention to myself, this piece is an attempt to embrace every aspect of the things that make me a Blessing to my world, it is important that i acknowledge my tribe for holding me steady. This piece is for everyone of us who have felt alone, counted out and not sure they would ever fit in. I pray you find your tribe🥂
They lied to you when they said “You don’t need people”. This piece is a retell of another i wrote in 2020, It was titled “Let’s be friends” and this piece taking a different direction from the original is proof that it is okay to unlearning and relearn. It’s okay to have a deeper understanding or in this case a different perspective and it doesn’t make you less of a person to admit that your stance has changed.
I remember complaining to my sister one time in my first year in Uniben. You see I was heartbroken because my ‘friends’ had other friends. I would feel lonely and deprived when they spent time with their friends. There were times when I would tag along but I always felt like the third wheel, like I didn’t quite belong. This was worrisome for me because I simply didn’t like how needy it made me feel.
For context, I was not used to being in my feelings, because I simply did not get attached to people. It disturbed me that I’d become so worried about being alone. You see, the lonely road is one I’m quite used to. My mother made sure of it, she didn’t like the idea of “friends’’ and would always tell us to choose them wisely, whatever friendship I had ended in the four walls of the classroom. There was no visiting anyone at home and no one visited me too. Creating my own energy and enjoying my own company was something I could do already but for a moment I forgot and allowed myself to enjoy the idea of ‘belonging’ even where I didn’t quite belong. In the long run it made me second guess myself and wonder if I was good enough. I had to swallow my unpopular opinions for the more popular ones. you know, I didn’t want to be the weird one they secretly laugh at.
I had that conversation with my sister that took me back to factory reset. Now, There was no second guessing myself, I enjoy my own company, I create my own energy, I rate myself first because I’m all that is beautiful and special, when I choose to share my energy with you it has to be because you are worth it otherwise you are just an acquaintance.
After that phase, I became more calculated with friendships. I called the shots and it made me feel very much in control. I deliberately spaced out communication and physical meetings because God forbid I ever go back to feeling dependent on others to feel whole, Not when I had fully embraced enjoying my own company. So you can imagine my joy when the “You don’t need people”, “Protect your energy”, “Choose yourself” quotes became an era on social media. It gave me the morale I needed, The backing and shield to hold on to my carefully crafted world.
Two years ago, things started to change. The crazy part is that this paradigm shift happened and I didn’t even know when it did. I went through a dark phase, i was borderline depressed and decided to take a break from the internet. I found myself sending a notice to my handful of friends because I didn’t want them to worry about me. I thought friendship only came with Loyalty but it had taught accountability, trust and vulnerability.
Reminiscing on how i met my closest friends and how far we have come still leaves me marveled because at the start I couldn’t have guessed they would come to mean so much to me. I can confidently say i have a tribe but they are not a collective, they are separate individuals that don’t even know each other, separate individuals that God brought my way at different times and for different seasons because he knew that a time would come when i would need someone, i would need them for different things and they would need me in return because friendship is not just taking, it is giving yourself without restraint.
Finding your tribe may look like finally finding a set of people you can tell anything without overthinking because they truly get you, it could look finally having someone or people to share the latest and hottest updates in your life, It could look like finding people to pray for you and with you, It could be having the most difficult discussions, answering tough questions and standing to be corrected because life is not a bed of roses, It could be resting easy on the days you forget to believe in yourself because you have a cheer-leading squad anticipating and celebrating your wins even before they happen.
On the flip side, Finding your tribe could also look like going several days or even weeks without properly communicating but no one feels abandoned because you don’t need to see face to face you only need to see heart to heart, it could also be feeling betrayed when they don’t tell you what you want to hear because they hold you accountable and make sure you self assess, you cannot always be right. It could be having completely different opinions because friendship doesn’t mean we always have to agree on the same things or like the same things. It is accepting that no matter how supportive they are, your life is not theirs and you don’t always have to take every advice they give. Finding your tribe is finding people who won’t stop singing your praises, people who will mention your name in a room full of opportunities, People who see the winner in you before you start to win. People who celebrate your wins as though they are theirs.
Moral of this gist? Your tribe starts with you, there’s no finding a tribe when you haven’t found yourself, how do you know what to look out for when you haven’t found those traits in yourself? When you don’t know the values that align with your beliefs? A good person attract great people and knows how to hold them together
The real moral of this gist? We need people, we need a person or two or maybe a tribe to walk this life journey with us because the road may be far and uncertain, it will most likely be easier to not have to do it alone. So you do need people but if you are going to attract and grow a tribe of like minds you first have to be a good person, you have to work hard to first be the kind of friend you want to have, Be the person that can be relied on, be the person that is intentional about reaching out. Be the person that doesn’t compete. Be the person that has lost the ability to be jealous when others win, Be the person who is always genuinely happy for others.
I’m going to end this gist by saying, We are a sum of the people we keep; you change the tribe and the tribe changes you. So if you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. I’m going to wrap this up with this with one final quote since I’m out here pretending to be wise🌚
“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” — Jane Howard
P.S This piece is for Ede, Lizzy, Teddy, Abi and Kenny. Thank you!
