Communicating What You Want through Reflection

It is always important to inform your partner what you don’t like or don’t want out of the relationship. When starting out in a relationship, it is good to know things like, “I don’t want to have sex before we are married” or, “I don’t want to have children.” It is also helpful to communicate certain behaviors that bother you by saying, “I don’t like it when you are busy doing something else when I am trying to talk with you.”

Tell Me What You DO Want

However, simply stating what you don’t like or want isn’t always the most effective communication tool. Sometimes stating the negatives will never get you the positives. In other words, just because you say that you don’t like white wine with pork, doesn’t mean you will get red wine. Someone may serve you a beer! Since there are an infinite number of choices for all aspects of a relationship, stating the negative only leaves room for error.

Stating the Negative and Possible Reactions

When you tell someone what not to do, you are not giving clear suggestions or instruction on what to do. This can result in unexpected behavior from your partner because they misinterpreted your statements. Because you are not clearly identifying your expectations, you are empowering your partner, and your children as well, to take actions based on what they assume you are trying to say. Below are some examples of poorly constructed statements and their possible reaction from the partner.

Statement. (Possible reaction or thought from your partner.)

• I don’t like it when you kiss me like that. (Maybe it’s better not to kiss you than risk failure.)
• I don’t want anything for Christmas. (Great, now I can make plans with my family!)
• I don’t like my meat raw. (Raw means uncooked. As long as I heat up the meat enough, it should be fine, even if it’s rare.)

Effective Direction Using Positive Statements

If you want something, it’s best to clearly communicate what you want. Reflect on what it is you are trying to accomplish and focus you efforts to communicating that goal or expectation. Giving clear direction of what you do want leaves out the possibility for misinterpretation. Because you are being specific and clear on your direction, your partner will not be forced to assume they know what you are indicating. Instead, they now have the choice to follow your instructions of have a more rational discussion about your statements.

• I like it when you kiss me slowly and not too aggressively.
• All I want this Christmas is to spend some quality time with you and nobody else.
• I like my meat well done, with no pink.