How to Defuse an Argument in 3 Steps

Conflict is Natural, but Dangerous

Conflict is a top reason for couples to seek relationship advice, counseling and even separate. However, arguments are a normal part of interpersonal relationships. Spending the majority of your time with the same person, usually in the same home, is bound to create a certain amount of conflict.

Approaching the conflict with tact and understanding is an important necessity in any relationship or marriage. A conflict can help to release pent-up tension and resentment, and gives your partner an indication of what is important to you. Conflict and its effective resolution can even help create new standards and foundations of understanding from which your relationship can move forward.

The difficulty of consciously defusing a healthy argument before it explodes into a full blown fight is easier said than done. Staying cool and communicating your desire to understand your partner is important to resolving any conflict. However, being patient and listening does not automatically mean that you will be giving up your position in the argument.

1. Temporarily Set you Opinions Aside

Place your opinions on hold. Tell yourself that you will have the opportunity to speak your mind, but you are going to control the dialogue by allowing your partner to speak first. Take some deep breaths and try to relax your body (physical tension will be communicated in your body language, communicating an intent to strike and may cause your partner to be unnecessarily defensive). If either of you are unable to approach the argument calmly and maturely, temporarily walking away from the conflict may be a health option until you are ready.

2. Communicate the Intention to Understand your Partner’s Perspective

Tell your partner that you are truly interested in listening to their ideas. You must maintain your patience, even if you feel what your partner is saying is incorrect. Do not interrupt, let them finish the idea. Stay away from criticism and listen objectively. By displaying a truthful curiosity about what they are saying, you will communicate that you are committed to resolving the conflict peacefully and that you want to understand.

3. Look for the Truth in Your Partner’s Position

Allow yourself to try and empathize with your partner. Regardless if your partner is not making a rational argument, by listening and trying to understand, you can identify the source of their frustration, or the kernel of their argument. Assume their point of view is valid. The frustration and possibly even depression your partner is experiencing is obviously real. It is being generated from somewhere. By trying to understand your partner’s perspective, you can get to the root cause of the conflict and begin to discuss a mature resolution.

We all want to be heard and understood by our partner. When we make a conscious effort to listen and use statement of understanding, such as paraphrasing, we communicate our ultimate desire to resolve the conflict together.