Smart Shopper’s Guide to Lube — and where to buy them

  1. Read the Label
  2. Initial Texture
  3. Slipperiness Endurance
  4. Bouquet
  5. Taste
  6. Allergy test:
  7. Shag Test
  • Condom safe? Yes!
  • Vagina friendly? Yes
  • Hand jobs? Yes
  • Mouth friendly? Yes
  • Anal Play? Yes
  • Shortcomings: Can dry out quickly or be absorbed by the body. May need frequent reapplication. Some can be very tacky in texture.
  • Advantages: Body safe. Cheaper. Lots of texture and flavor variety
  • Ingredients Key Words: Water, Purified water, Deionized water.
  • Midori’s Verdict: Good Stuff!
  • Condom safe? Yes!
  • Vagina friendly? Yes
  • Hand jobs? Yes
  • Mouth friendly? Yes
  • Anal Play? Yes
  • Shortcomings: Don’t use with many of the lesser quality silicone toys as it can degrade and melt the surface of the toy. May stain some sheets. Really super hard to wash off hardwood and tile floors. If you use a lot and the condom doesn’t fit well, it has caused the condom to slip off mid-shag for a few of my friends.
  • Advantages: Stays slick for a long time. No flavor or scent.
  • Ingredients Key Words: Dimethicone, Dimethiconol, Cyclopentasiloxane.
  • Midori’s Verdict: Fantastic!
  • Condom safe? Are you using latex condoms? Then Not At All! No. Just no. Essentially melts the condom in tiny ways that make it useless.
  • Vagina friendly? Hmmm often not. Could lead to infections, itching, unhealthy vaginal odors and other discomforts for many vagina owners.
  • Hand jobs? Yes
  • Mouth friendly? Sometimes. Depends if you like the taste of that oil.
  • Anal Play? Not for safer anal sex if you are using latex condoms.
  • Shortcomings: Stains the sheets
  • Advantages: Evokes nostalgia of pre-HIV days. Emergency penis wank juice when there’s nothing else on hand.
  • Ingredients Key Words: Bees wax, Shea butter, oil, Cetearyl Olivate, coconut oil
  • Midori’s Verdict: Forget it.

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Artist. Educator. Foodie. Travel junkie. Crazy cat lady. Tea fiend. Eddoko, San Franciscan. Proud Hapa.

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Midori

Midori

Artist. Educator. Foodie. Travel junkie. Crazy cat lady. Tea fiend. Eddoko, San Franciscan. Proud Hapa.

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