issue #7–6 nov

~*WEAKLY RECAPPED*~

happy november, let’s pour one out for all the upper-lip areas covered by weak mustaches the men of the world are trying to grow for movember.

japan is trying to reach world domination by selling the rest of the world couch-bed-tables that we never have to leave, and i have to say i’m tempted.

lorde cut her hair and was deemed ‘unrecognizable’ — ugh, it’s just so hard to remember what a very famous artist who has sold millions of records looks like!

it’s bad news for the residents of the pnw who, only recently having been relieved of the great carnitas famine of 2015, now have to avoid chipotle again because of e.coli — gross. at least it’s gmo-free e.coli, though, that’s a comforting thought. not to be outdone, qdoba shouted ‘hey guys! remember us? we can get you sick too! here’s some typhoid!’

one direction had their last (ever) concert — apart from that thing they’re doing for apple music, the bbc music awards, and the amas (to name a few). so, there’s no need to cry just yet, directioners.

~*OFFICIAL cHEART UPDATE*~

george and amal adopted a dog so naturally every news outlet clickbaited the world with news about their ‘growing family’ and ‘surprise adoption’ bc that’s a cool fun way to respect people’s personal choices! sam claflin and his wife also having a growing family but in the baby way, not the dog way.

GI-Joe has gone AWOL. at least we have the RHOBH mems.

gwen and gavin’s break up led to all of this which is really only adding insult to injury for her fans at this point. also this might be happening. it probably is. it definitely is. and there’s a duet.

bieber admitted he still loves selena and “wants her to be awesome.” generous! maybe it’s the pain of unrequited love that has moved him to walk out and also give clapping lessons during shows.

look out kendall jenner, orlando bloom wants your number and thought a good way to get it was to ask the audience at an award show! that’s not really phone-a-friend material, orly. frankly, it’s behavior we’d more likely expect from james franco, who we can always count on to do the weirdest possible thing in any given situation. like this. not sure a (thankfully fake) tattoo of someone is the best way to express your affection?

and in other news — it turns out a lot of you are quite thirsty for prince harry (phwoar). so here’s this. don’t say i don’t do anything nice for you.

~*JELLY BELLY FOR GOOD TELLY*~

the best tv news is that the dc residents among us have a short break between virginia’s state election ads and virginia’s presidential election ads! were you worried about having to face the (rest of the) 2016 election without jon stewart? worry no more. (well at least about that, there’s plenty to worry about when it comes to 2016 — like having to wait for khloe kardashian’s talk show!)

dust off your hogwarts sweaters and review the lyrics to ‘weasley is our king’ (the gryffindor remix) because rupert grint has a show deal with nbc. it sounds … interesting?

girls dropped a teaser trailer — but we’ll have to wait until next year to see the results of hannah’s dance class. speaking of dance class… say it ain’t so! abbey lee miller of the prestigious(?) ALDC is going to court for fraud. my guess: a pyramid scheme. (maybe that’s why sia ditched maddie zeigler?)

the worst tv news is that i learned of this horrible, horrible oversight and i’m not sure i’ll ever be able to recover. (other worst tv news comes in the form of a reminder that the face attached to donald trump’s hair will be the host of snl this weekend, so make other plans.)

the greatest news: we are less than two months out from the next season of the bachelor. please let me know if you would like to participate in this year’s fantasy league. (not a joke.) (really. it’s a $5 buy in and that is a low low cost for huge amounts of fun.)

if you want to avoid current tv entirely you can time travel back to orange county circa 2003 via the internet. or just watch this. californiaaaaaa here we come.

~~*CINE-PICKS AND CINNA-STICKS *~

if al roker didn’t scare you off charlie brown forever, you can see the peanuts movie this weekend, but i certainly don’t recommend it. i have a sneaking suspicion that a small independent british release called spectre might just surprise us all at the box office.

sandra bullock is set to helm an all-women version of ocean’s eleven. that will either end very well or, more likely, very badly. at least she’s not playing another white savior. i recommend calling one of these women who can maybe save this movie from itself. or maybe the women behind the world’s most famous small business (reachable at the coolest ever phone number: KL5–3231) who reunited this week.

saoirse ronan is giving everyone what we need this autumn: the beautiful/sad irish (yes, i’m aware that’s redundant) movie, brooklyn. and in other across the pond news we got our first look at the magical version of eddie redmayne, and the girl on the train version of emily blunt.

we also got more news about our fave dynamic duo’s upcoming movie.

and, we have officially entered… love actually season! so, if you need me during the next two months i’ll be busy figuring out how many times one woman can watch the prime minister fall in love with his assistant (hey — it’s a huge upgrade from a pig).

~*EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT*~

leah remini’s next phase in her efforts to wage a one-woman war against scientology: a book! fight on, sister!

the only place i on very rare occasions ever read about sports (apart from the bigtennews section that covers wildcat football), grantland, is no more.

what if hamlet read more like ‘hey kiddo come down for dinner.’ ‘fuck you.’? would today’s tweens be more into that? this is not good and part of an overall horrible trend. exhibit b: i saw a book called ‘omg shakespeare’ full of texts & emojis at the bookstore the other week and almost cried.

so here’s a palette cleanser: this is not a book but it is in fact a very lovely letter full of very lovely advice from the very lovely author cailtin moran. so, trust. read this. think of it as a small favor to yourself.

~*LOONEY TUNES*~

demi lovato might need to have words with her evil twin poot — or, more likely, her production team because she’s in hot water with sleigh bells (in a very different way than being in a jacuzzi at christmastime).

next week is the battle of the boys (in the case of biebs v. 1D, scotusblog weirdly has no prediction) — so this week our ~*PQ*~ top five is all about the ladies:

1. little mix wrote a whole album, decided it wasn’t good enough and went back to the drawing board. the result: ‘get weird.’ with vocal abilities like theirs it’s hard to see this being bad, but now we get to find out if it was worth the wait. (‘grown’ and ‘ADIDAS’ are early bonkers faves.)

2. apart from the surprise success of the 50 shades single ‘love me like you do’ and some features we haven’t had a new release from ellie goulding since the reissue of ‘halcyon days’ in 2013. that’s a long time, girl! today that all changes with her new album ‘delirium.’ ~*PQ*~ faves on first listen: i ‘don’t need nobody’, ‘keep on dancin’, ‘don’t panic’, and ‘codes.’

3. going a little off the typical ~*PQ*~ path for a track from jhene aiko found on… ‘we love disney 2’? stay with me here… her take on ‘in a world of my own/very good advice’ is kind of gorgeous? it also uses alice in wonderland audio samples to a nicely haunting effect. the rest of the album… not so much. something called a rascal flatts doing a country cover of a frozen song with a pretty little liar? i’ll pass. even if my teen cousin once told me i look like her and that was the coolest thing anyone i’m related to has ever said about me.

4. there are two new songs from the japanese house on the ‘clean’ ep: ‘letter by the water’ and ‘sugar pill.’ ambient loveliness, both.

5. wolf alice’s ‘freazy’ is probably the poppiest offering from ‘my love is cool.’ it also manages to reference the band’s name and the album title with out being cheesy which most artists make seem needlessly hard to do.

B9. britney’s coming back. that is all.

have you been watching adele’s record-breaking music video for the record-breaking ‘hello’ thinking — ‘this is good, yes, but what it really needs is some planet earth-style narration’? you’re in luck! or perhaps you’ve been waiting to see jason derulo sing opera in a range rover (if so — may i ask why?)? whatever, you’re also in luck!

other songs to check out: jack garratt’s ‘breathe life’ (and if you haven’t been kind enough to yourself as to listen to ‘weathered,’ please do, you deserve it!), wstrn’s ‘in2’ (the verses are what we’d call ‘not good,’ but the chorus is catchy). sam smith dropped ‘drowning shadows’ which he describes as his “saddest ever song” — it’s super upbeat! and a cover of amy winehouse’s ‘love is a losing game.’ biebs also dropped ‘i’ll show you,’ it’s no ‘sorry’ but very few things are.

other albums out today a little outside of the ~*PQ*~ lane: bjork’s ‘vulnicura strings,’ and seal’s ‘7’ — fingers crossed it’s an ingmar bergman concept album.

gird your ears and call the one goth girl from your junior high school: evanescence is reuniting. was anyone sitting around waiting for amy lee to wake them up inside? i truly doubt it. but if this is how she lives her best life, then good for her.

this isn’t a song but ariana schooling these dolts/radio djs is a must watch.

coldplay debuted the ‘adventure of a lifetime’ from their seventh (and possibly last) album… is it all yellow? nope. it is multicolored because bring me the horizon already did the yellow version. i believe the official BMTH quote is that coldplay is “jackin our steez hard.”

and if you too have been missing the dulcet tones of alex turner since the arctic monkeys released ‘AM’ all the way back in 2013 (and that mini cameo on mini mansions’ ‘vertigo’ did not hold you over) you may just be in luck. thank goodness for halloween parties and tweets, or we’d never learn about a possible second album from the last shadow puppets, his collaboration with miles kane.

~*GET hAPPy*~

some teen is helping break down the reality behind all those very real, very authentic instagrams that get 32k likes and definitely aren’t full of sponsored content. some other teens are pissed. cue the insta-teen drama. we also had to say goodbye to socality barbie who is going to #liveauthentic off the internet. (is that even possible!?)

but, basically the internet is over anyway because twitter ruined everything by switching from favorites & stars to likes & hearts. BAD MOVE. REALLY BAD MOVE.

you’d be lying if you said i wasn’t something that you’re into, into. but that’s it for this week. i’m off to buy a kotatsu from which to write next week’s issue/live out the rest of time. which may not be very much longer? time to watch this video on repeat and think about the universe.

remember! kbye.