issue #8–13 nov
canada, source of more than several good things (drake, carly rae jepsen, jonathan toews, justin bieber, tim horton’s donuts, a solid chunk of the programming on hgtv), is now the source of one more.
and someone seeking revenge on kate middleton got it in the form of these eyebrows. i mean seriously. \ /
but none of this even matters because it turns out we’re not even muggles we’re some worse american version called no-majs?! so what’s even the point. i guess it’s better than getting called an ‘unidentified man.’
~*OFFICIAL cHEART UPDATE*~
vivica a. fox tried to throw all kinds of shade at her ex 50 cent but mostly ended up looking shady in the process. trying to out people is not a good look, viv.
it turns out that gavin rossdale’s cheating was exposed by an iCloud sync which is pretty embarrassing for him since everyone knows it’s a terrible idea to sync your phone to the family iPad.
bieber, who was totally chill talking about #whatdoyoupeen, did not want to talk to ellen about his new girlfriend. it seems his ex selena gomez has moved on, so he really shouldn’t worry. more on him later.
~*JELLY BELLY FOR GOOD TELLY*~
did you guys know the potomac was so exclusive? i certainly did not. (because it is not). it’s getting the RHO treatment, so soon we’ll all have a glimpse at what our neighbors up the river are doing. also, if this guy doesn’t feature, i’m boycotting bravo forever. which means i would also miss RHODallas.
if you have a spare $5.5 million lying around you can bankroll new episodes of MST3K. or, if you have a spare $5.5 million lying around you can also give it to me. venmo is fine.
she loves you! but do you love it? probably not! or maybe you do. the sisters kardashian/jenner remade kris’ infamous ‘i love my friends’ video and it’s so bad that maybe it’s good? the worst part is they think they are in on the joke but they really are not.
the pilot for amazon’s good girls revolt is available to stream and it is based on a true story about newsweek that i used to make my old boss tell in so many speeches (none of you care about that but i’m telling you anyway because this is my tipsheet and what i say goes!). it is an amazing story. it also involves both nora ephron and ace parker eleanor holmes norton and how many shows can say that? oh, well, maybe lena dunham’s show about the same thing?
one of ~*PQ*~’s favorite comedians john mulaney has a netflix special out tonight. time for my parents to finally stop thinking that just having a profile for me on their account means i know the password! (if you are also a true fan of his this very long interview is very good.)
~*CINE-PICKS AND CINNA-STICKS *~
the last installment of the hunger games is out next thursday. katniss finally gets to stop killing all her friends in order to live or something i don’t know i only read the first book. but i do know that woody harrelson was chill AF about the red carpet dress code.
‘center stage 3’ is happening which is a surprise to me because i was not even aware there was a ‘center stage 2.’ and in other sequels/series news there’s a new ad for the new star wars movie (i don’t have anything clever to say about this because i have — cue the outrage — — never seen any star wars movies.) and a new trailer for ‘my big fat greek wedding 2.’
adele, not content with being the most successful singer of all time (probably?) may now star in movies because why wouldn’t she.
and apparently the movie world is under the impression we are all clamoring for live action versions of disney movies — in addition to emma watson’s ‘beauty and the beast,’ we’re now getting a ‘little mermaid’ starring chloe grace moretz.
in sticks news, mcdonalds is now serving the mozzarella version at three for a buck so you know they’re quality. they also staged a fashion show. yea. in other food news there’s a lot of newly available old gum in seattle.
~*EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT*~
goop is becoming a publisher and they will probably print on recycled kale paper or something, that is if gwyneth is not too busy turning down offers to join the women of isis, i mean the view. turns out they are easily confused, after all, rick — i get it!
they are also making a book out of clarissa explains it all (except for she can’t explain how she has somehow only gotten six years older in 11 years time, so i guess it’s not really “it all”). sometimes this feels like pop culture mad libs, but i swear i’m not making it up.
it’s here it’s here it’s here! the week you’ve all been waiting for! it’s the week i finally stop talking about the impending great war of 2015: justin bieber v. one direction. their new albums, ‘purpose’ and ‘made in the am’ respectively, both dropped today. they have only this one week to be number one before adele drops ‘25’ so it’s all on the line and boy do i have a lot of thoughts.
- D’s fifth album in five years (which is a LOT — no wonder they need a break.) is their first as a foursome and it seems like without r&b wannabe zayn they’ve been able to embrace their love of fleetwood mac & paul simon. it’s an appreciably interesting choice for a boyband in 2015 and makes for an eclectic album when mixed with 80's-rock inspired tunes like ‘temporary fix’ and their career-best ballads including ‘if i could fly.’ sorry not sorry, zayn, it’s by far the best album they’ve done to date. in this post-zayn world harry styles is carrying most of the choruses and the ad-libs which is for the best and also points towards a successful solo career during the extended forever break. ~*PQ*~ first listen faves: ‘wolves,’ ‘olivia’ (especially the part that sounds like charlie and the chocolate factory, you’ll know it when you hear it), ‘the am’ and ‘walking in the wind’.
- justin bieber — listen, any album that gives us ‘sorry’ has already made itself worth it ten times over. but do the rest of the tracks hold up to the near impossible standard set by the three lead up singles? not really. are they good? yea. some, like tumblr fodder (foddr?) ‘the feeling’ featuring ‘new americana’ teen sensation halsey, are quite good. some, like the kiss-off ed sheeran co-write ‘love yourself’ are a little too ed sheeran-y. others like ‘been you’ are solid. and ‘children’ is worth a listen just for the ludicrous lyrics.
- alessia cara is brave enough to also drop an album this week and she SHOULD BE. girl can sing. ‘know-it-all’ is full of the hits you should already know, like the i’m-over-this-party banger ‘here’ and ‘i’m yours’ as well as four new tracks like ‘stone’ and ‘overdose.’ also her insta game is solid and she has the blessing of our canadian boyfriend so what more do you need, people?!
- missy elliott, you know, that new rapper katy perry discovered and introduced to the world during the super bowl? well she has a new song with pharrell. ‘wtf.’ [← that’s a video with marionettes!! watch it!] and no, i’m not quoting a confused person, that’s the name of the song. and there’s a pretty good chance it’s a slick diss against miley and her cultural appropriation, so that’s kind of fun.
- it turns out that a staple of the british christmas season is the john lewis christmas ‘advert.’ for the past six years it’s featured classic songs getting the acoustic cover treatment from the likes of ellie goulding, lily allen, and tom odell. this year’s ad (which is gorgeous, btw) features aurora singing the oasis tune ‘half the world away’ and it’s a lovely little gem of a song.
other songs we love: grimes’ ‘belly of the beat.’ jones’ ‘hoops.’ jump through ’em and listen to this asap (it’s on spotify so this is like laying a hula hoop flat on the ground and stepping into it on the scale of hoop jumping). fetty wap’s ‘679’, and if you can’t get enough alessia she duetted with katy b on a cover of our favorite song from our canadian boyfriend.
the 1975, still months away from releasing their second album ‘i love it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it’ (yes, that’s the real name), debuted a few new tracks (and the addition of pink lights to their formerly monochrome staging) at a gig in liverpool. they have a very john hughes ‘sound’ that appeals to this child of the chicago suburbs. [apols for the concert videos it’s the best i can do at the moment.]
all this unseasonably warm weather must have inspired some summer summer summertime vibes for will smith and dj jazzy jeff because they’re hitting the road for a new tour de nostalgia.
and whatever else you do you must watch celine dion do a live remix of her titanic mega-hit for steve aoki. it’s every kind of bonkers you’re hoping it would be and it’s just what your heart needs (to go on).
there was maybe an app to arrange fights called rumblr that called itself the tinder of fighting because i guess it couldn’t decide which platform it was trying to copy. turns out it was a joke, luckily. or is the ‘joke’ defense just a cover? we all know the rules of fight club…
oh, and here are all the apps in one song from alanis morissette and james corden that’s everything you never knew you always needed.
we’re just swimming round in our glasses, talking out of our asses (did they read the ~*PQ*~ employee memo?). anyway, i have to go now because three of the biggest pop albums of the year just dropped and this is basically my christmas and i need to spend the rest of the day celebrating the best way i know how (never taking my headphones out during the workday regardless of who is talking to me.)
happy ~*friday the 13th*~. okbye.