THIS THING CALLED LOVE

I get enthralled by people who get to marry their childhood friends. The likes of Wayne Rooney and Lionel Messi. Am I saying it’s a football thing? Not at all — ladies.

It shows the patience and time invested. Some of us are not even patient with a movie trailer. We can’t get past ten seconds without forwarding. Yet we are full of this gayety for the full movie.

I haven’t been in a relationship I would write home about. I have loved someone though; truly. The failed ones (don’t you dare think of calling me a loser) have taught me a lesson. Quite a great one.

I don’t believe in one night stands, love at first sight or traditional waylaying. Am not saying they don’t work; I know you have your 900 page affidavits. Please hand them over to Senior Counsel James Orengo.

True love does exist (again, hand over your affidavits to Orengo please). We say we have found love when we find what we desire. To some, it’s the object that defines love. The famous tall, dark and handsome. To others it’s the relationship; investment in the friendship and ability to compromise.

I have dated girls I didn’t know. Maybe I got impressed by their legs, their long hair or their diction. It was like going in for a class and taking a test before the teacher leaves. You can’t judge a book by the cover. Certainly not even with the first few chapters. If you have read the good book, you know the first books are not interesting. Alejandro at times dies before the soap ends. DJ Afro will tell you ‘Makoshaaa!... Stero wetu alipigwa marisasi na kutambalizwa!’

People never take time to know what they are getting themselves into. As long as the girl is beautiful and people are saying that you look good together. Then its true love. I have seen people confide in their friends. About their families, ambitions and struggles they are going through. But their soul mates don’t know a thing. Couples only talk about things they are proud of. Shame is shared with friends.

I expect my girlfriend to be the person I trust most under the sun. If not, we are just wasting time.

You will find a couple seated on the divan somewhere in a lounge sipping juice or wine. The man is sturdy. The lady has this killer dress and heels that gives her skin tone the absolute swank. She has real eyebrows. She’s stroking her hair, laughing. He must have some good puns. The whole picture makes you think it must be the happy ilk. It doesn’t cross your mind that they could be feigning. The lady is supercilious. She doesn’t go for less than a lounge. The man is fractious; it’s only a matter of time.

Good things take time like I said last week. I would want to marry my friend. A girl I have known well. Her flaws and strengths. One who will run to me first even when I can’t be of direct help. A girl with a beautiful heart— faces, eyebrows and lower limbs are pure PR.

Someone I won’t have to pretend around. Like going bananas about their short hair yet it doesn’t impress me as much. We love people with their flaws, some we change. Some we can’t. Scars are scars. I can only not be bothered by them. But I can’t make them any beautiful no matter how much poetry I put into them.

I wouldn’t want to imagine ten years from now. I get to my house

“Wa Puri” (Puri is Purity in kuyu)

Wa Puri will answer, “Sema…”

“Ile trouser ya khaki umenipigia pasi?”

“Trouser Gani iyo?” she asks snobbishly.

“Wewe asubuhi uliskia nikisema gani?” I will ask after an infinitesimal pause.

Mind you, we are having this conversation while she’s in the kitchen. Am in the leaving room scanning through Kameme TV, Gikuyu TV and Inooro TV for property commercials.

“Mi sikuskia” she will answer contemptuously.

“Wewe siku izi hakuna kitu unaskia” I fervently comment.

Wa Puri will go ahead to produce something from her mouth because she is in the kitchen,

“Aaaaiiii!”

“Tebu nipigie hiyo khaki ya cream pasi. Kesho tunaenda kugawa shamba Limuru” I will end the conversation.

Then at night we will crawl into this bed. She will take the left side or whichever closer to the wall. We will then sleep, each on their far side. We will compete to see whom sinks their side of the mattress first.

Competition will be better than coming to the middle ground. Stroking her hair as I ask her about the day’s events. There won’t be any hair to stroke, unfortunately. Her head will be covered by Purity’s worn out tight that is on re-use or some Jubilee scarf. I will be hit hard by the Irony and sarcasm when I see the slogan ‘Tuko Pamoja’. It will break my heart if the slogan will be followed by ‘Tano tena’.

Please those vying in ten years change the slogan. Enact a bill to reduce the term to two years. ‘Mbili tena’ will be better. If not, she must join NASA so that I see ‘Mambo yanabadilika’

We will live like that till death do us part.

It will be true love when I find a lady who is beautiful and God fearing. One who cooks food without potatoes in the recipe and can accentuate the C’s in accentuate. Then what?

Some of these things will sink and fade. Facial beauty doesn’t insure its buoyancy.

True love is an investment. Talking, going places, doing stuff together, exploring— let’s take a pause here.

The other day I was talking to a young mother. She had told me she’s not getting any more kids. So I supposed she was putting a lid on her cookie jar. I told her sex before marriage biblically is sin. That’s what I believe.

“…kwani utaoa kitu hujaonja!? Na ukipata haina taste?

I don’t know why she put the exclamation before the question mark. She was first surprised maybe?
Exploring does not include this cookie tasting thing.

A lady recently called quits on her relationship. She told me it was boring. They met, spent time together but it was boring. It’s in itself boring to date over a year only to find him becoming more and more a gasbag. You find yourself with nothing to talk about.

Personally I indulge myself in lots of sports, reading, news, politics, meeting new people. I ever have something different. It puts me off when we are having a conversation where we are copying answers.

1: “What have you been up to?”

2: “Nothing much…You?”

1: “Me too”

1: “So what are you thinking?”

2: “Nothing really…You?”

1: “Nothing”

1: “So what will you have?”

2: “I will have whatever you are having”

Talk about stars, culture, kings and presidents, crack jokes that aint funny. Tweet Abisai, ask how much his credit side is reading. Talk about birds. Did you know penguins are the only birds that can swim but can’t fly?

Best friends before lovers. Lovers don’t live long, friends are forever.

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