J: You just wrote what I am feeling but am still too raw to put into form.

I want to be angry because it masks the pain I actually feel. Instead I am sitting here drinking my coffee, tears streaming down my face. I don’t want to feel these feelings; I want my heart to feel unbroken and unbruised. I want to be able to look in my phone at his pictures — our pictures — without crying. I cannot even bring myself to delete anything just yet. Doing that feels like I will be deleting part of myself; my history — our history. As painful as it is, I don’t want to do that.

The intellectual part of me says, Pictures and texts do not a love affair make; you can delete them and they remain part of you.

The other part, my heart, isn’t ready to let go. Wants still to be friends with the man who I could talk to for hours about everything: politics, music, family, relationships, the world, the past, the future. Except now there is no future and it fucking hurts. It hurts like hell. And I don’t know if I can be “just friends” with someone I love — loved? — so deeply that I was certain we were going to be together. Forever. Yes; the F word.

So thank you for this. For sharing and being brave and honest.

Peace & grace,

Heather