I appreciate your response, and it’s one I highly encourage.
I avoid here, and in my book “Polyamory: It’s Not Complicated”, any rosy messages for couples, especially ones with long marriages and kids. I’m even stronger in my book, laying out the considerably troubling mental images of acts they may picture in their imaginations while sitting at home, staring at their phone, waiting to hear from a partner on a date. That’s just a reality of many newly opening couples, pleasant or not.
It’s a “if you can’t think about this in black and white, you could hit emotional bottoms you’ve never imagined possible” situation. As I tell people opening up any nonmonogamy, if the thoughts of imagining your partner going gaga in the middle of an act with another partner greatly disturbs you… you are not ready to just jump in.
Similarly, being polyamorous, I know how people who are polyamorous may view certain types of attachment. While there are certainly partners for everyone, someone who is tied to the hip of their partner is very likely to come across extremely creepy to many already polyamorous (and probably pushing a “date us both” agenda) and that couple will find nobody but the naive being interested.
For instance, I posted this in a private online group of experienced polyamorous people, and what I call creepy, they commented about how much they agree those and other things of monogamous culture are very creepy when imposed around polyamory.
And I’ll define creepy: controlling, hyper sensitivity, and neediness that usually lends itself to couples who erroneously think they’ll have good luck with using things like a “veto” rule.
I think couples reading this are at a point of deciding if they really are willing to risk everything just to bring the topic up… and later to actually attempt it. They must weigh the potential lost trust if the partner takes it as a rejection and attempt to “cheat” in their mind versus the benefits.
I’ve made that choice twice in my life. Once with swinging, again with polyamory. And I did lose a wife in the process.
Far from patronizing, I’ve been there and watched it crumble, and that exact scenario I laid out isn’t just what I lived through, but what I continually see other couples live through who do not take the benefits and risks seriously.
Those are real things done, real things said, and real consequences that I’ve lived and see so many others live through. And so I write as to myself. And if someone is in that mindset of not doing this as an individual endeavor, but as a “couple”… I take zero responsibility for not having warned in the starkest language. I don’t believe everyone is even capable of polyamory based on their situation and culture without extreme measures.
If, however, they can pass that bar and still be interested, they likely have a better than average chance at success.