The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

Polyamory School
6 min readJun 27, 2017

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

You’ve written down a list of limits, boundaries, rules, and expectations? Check!

You’ve created dating profiles that honestly detail what you are looking for and the honesty with your existing relationship? Check!

You’ve read at least 3 books together on the topic of nonmonogamy? Check?

You and your partner subscribe and listen to at least 3 nonmonogamous friendly podcasts? Check!

You’re all set! You open up the relationship and go off on your first dates… WHAM, arguing, suspicion, jealousy, withholding information, yelling, crying, breaking down… and a month later, you believe you don’t know each other anymore and you’re ready to call a marriage counsellor, divorce, forget you ever opened up your relationship, or all of the above.

What the hell happened?

What you didn’t realize when you were living in the cocoon of a monogamous relationship is how much of a monogamous relationship is a favorable breeding ground for codependence.

You mean you don’t follow each other into the bathroom? I didn’t say you were both at psychiatric help levels of codependence.

But monogamy breeds codependency, and calls it romantic most of the time. Don’t believe me?

What about that story of the couple who for 50 years never missed having dinner together at the kitchen table?

Read that sentence again, and realize exactly how creepy that is.

What about the story of the couple where the husband or wife only lives a short little while after their partner dies of a seemingly broken heart (never mind the diabetes and heart failure, you’re killing the romance of the story!)