The Relationship Autonomy Index
Avoid the problem with uncertain nonmonogamy terms.
At your local polyamory munch, you overhear the following between many newcomers:
Person A: “Great to meet other polyamorous people! My wife and I were wondering if there were others here.” (beaming smile)
Person B: “I know! My primary and I were saying the same thing!” (beaming smile back)
Person A: “It’s nice to meet you and your husband!” (big toothed grin)
Person B: “Oh, we’re not married, and we live about 2 hours apart. We’re solo.” (smile gone, looking at partner)
Person C: “Well, not everyone here is polyamorous. I’m a relationship anarchist, and my Dom is in an open relationship. I didn’t think solo’s had primaries?” (quizzing look)
Person B: “We’re solo because we believe in living alone. But we’re hierarchical.” (looks annoyed)
Person D: “And many of us who are polyamorous don’t do hierarchy. My roommate and I are both solo nonhierarchical. But we live together to save on rent and like how we stay out of each other’s way.” (trying to smile but failing)
Person A: “So… Is that an open relationship?” (looking confused)
Person D: “No, we’re polyamorous, we just don’t make rules.” (looking around confused)
Person A: “Oh, well… at least its a step up from swingers.” (nervous laughter)
Person D: “Most swingers actually have a lot of rules.” (looking friendly)
Person C: “I have lots of swinger friends. What’s wrong with swingers?” (looking serious)
Person B: “Well I think what he means is that it’s nice to be among people who are looking for love not just sex.” (trying to smile)
Person C: “I love everyone, but good sex is good sex. I’m always curious about people, I don’t think love needs rules. But I usually find I’m the only one here who thinks that.” (shrug and smirk)
(Awkward silence)
Person D: “Oh, I don’t like rules either… But, uh… they can help married couples, and I do want some commitment. But everyone has to find what makes them happy.” (quickly waves over a waiter to order another strong drink)
Person C: “I’d be happy if a date could commit to paying for their own Uber home.” (laughter all around)
Person A: “But how do you avoid being hurt all the time without rules.” (genuinely confused)
(laughter dies)
On and on and on and on…
I hear all the little whispers.
I’ll be talking to someone who is flirting heavily with me and touches my arm. I’m getting a little giddy about the connection, the person I’m interested in will walk away for a few minutes and then someone will lean over and whisper, “Save your time, they don’t allow other men, she just likes the attention.”
I’ve heard women whisper to one another when one is flirting with a guy, “Careful, his girlfriend vetoes anyone who isn’t friends with her first. She doesn’t trust anyone else. She’s the gatekeeper to him. I’d avoid that whole situation if I were you.”
My own friends who openly also like swinging have walked in, and I heard someone next to me say, “Watch out, they’ll screw anyone, and I don’t think they tell each other… they don’t care who’s feelings they hurt!”
Speaking to people about your personal form of polyamory involves a little dance. It doesn’t always come with the Game of Thrones vibe, but get into a discussion about someone screwing up, and you’ll soon see it quickly.
I once found myself as the only solo polyamorist surrounded by strict rule, veto happy, hierarchical couples. I was the only person out of about 50 who had raised my hand when the group was asked, “Has veto ever negatively impacted you?” I looked deep into the eyes of scared husbands unwilling to admit any pain.
It was only then that I realized that each and every coupled woman in attendance had matching blue hair dye. I felt like I’d entered a weird poly cult and everyone copied one another to the smallest degree. And yes, they were also all, and I mean ALL, looking for a single woman, and they fawned over the two in attendance like they were holy figures. And they, strangely, both had purple hair.
I didn’t get the hair code polyamory handbook. I was young enough in my polyamory to think I’d missed a nationwide memo, and wondered what my color was. Orange? Green? Sparkle beard? Slytherin? Team Edward? Taurus? Pikachu? What’s the code?
WHAT’S THE CODE!
Finding Your Tribe
I never returned. This was a “My polyamory isn’t ANYTHING like ANYONE here’s polyamory.”
Everyone asks, “How in the world do we meet people? …you know… like us!”
Everyone wants to find a tribe they fit into. And we generally want to meet partners near that tribe. I did not fit into the blue-haired, OPP, unicorn hunter tribe. It ruined a good blue hair dye for me forever. I’m still curious if purple means unicorn.
I just go to my happy place and forget… forget…. For… Get…
At a minimum, it’s hours of talking before you really know where people stand. So much time is used unpacking vaguely defined words and their personally applied definitions.
We often say, “Your polyamory isn’t my polyamory.” While this is good and true, it isn’t constructive except in promoting acceptance. But what it doesn’t help is in explaining the various types of polyamory.
It is also difficult to define specific types of polyamory, even ones that are explicit. Let’s take solo polyamory, for instance. It could mean living alone, or it could mean unmarried, or it could mean both, or it could mean some sort of nontraditional form of cohabitation or marriage.
That isn’t exactly informative.
As a community, we’ve come up with these words. We formed these words because we were seeking a tribe.
But then people who we didn’t consider to be part of that tribe co-opted those terms for themselves, and the tribes fragment. And Facebook group administrators who create more and more specialized groups, see them fall apart, handling more and more divergent views and arguments over definitions.
Your average polyamory discussion forum with more than a thousand members could include, well… anything and everything. And some join specific groups for tips, knowing they don’t really fit the group. They then jump in and offer their advice, even though they don’t actually do what the group is there for.
Imagine a BDSM group where someone posts a question about jealousy. Actually, don’t imagine it. Join any BDSM group. I’ve never found one without at least 10% of the group being nonmonogamous. Chaos quickly ensues! Messages are ranging from “Stop flirting!” to “Jealousy is their emotion to deal with!”
Stopping The Madness
In looking for ways to improve communication, I was paying attention to completely different news. There was news that Tesla, a car company, was working on moving from SAE Level 2 to SAE Level 3.
I know, you’re reading this relationship article, and you’re like, “Finally, the CAR news I’ve been waiting for!”
But hang with me for just a second, this circles around nicely… like… a car… circling around.
In the car industry, my car isn’t your car. See what I did there?
However, there are frameworks for talking about similarities and differences between cars even among different manufacturers, different models, different software, and various local laws.
I usually don’t care about cars. But I’m a big fan of Elon Musk, so I’ll listen to any news about him or his companies. *boy crush*
They were talking about “changes in the level of autonomy.”
That actually made me a little excited. When someone says “autonomy,” I also think about relationships. Because my mild Aspergers kicks in, I bring things like that back around to my favorite topics such as relationship.
The gears shifted in my head, and I made quite a radical discovery.
The lightbulb went off after years of writing and talking about Polyamory and Nonmonogamy.
One of the central and most apparent differences between all types of relationships, regardless of the words and definitions that people use, is the type of autonomy afforded to individuals involved.
It crosses all sexual preferences, configuration preferences, sexual orientation, and genders.
Whether you call it open, polyamory, swinging, or relationship anarchy, there are specific actions which aren’t as fluid in their definitions. Telling someone they can’t do something isn’t really open to alternative interpretations.
For instance, your solo polyamory isn’t my solo polyamory. Your definition of sex isn’t even my definition of sex. All these words, and a hundred different meanings.
Is it possible to nail anything down as certain? Is there any way to actually compare what I’m saying to what you’re saying?
Yes, there is. And we can borrow it from the autonomous car industry who did it for us!
So let’s talk about car autonomy versus relationship autonomy. We can think of the car as the individual. You are the car. We can think of the driver as your partner/partners/significant other/spouse/etc.
What the car can do without the driver, you can do without your partner.
In autonomous driving vehicles, there are many different levels. There is a big difference between cruise control, a car staying in its own lane without help, and a car that can pull out of your garage, take you to the store, and park itself in the parking lot.
Similarly, there is a difference between your partner forgiving you a drunken kiss at a party, inviting your friend over for a birthday threeway, and calling your girlfriend up to talk about your other boyfriend buying a new house and ask if they need to buy a present for their DDlg Daddy Dom’s birthday.
Just because your car handles cruise control doesn’t mean you can ask it to drive to the market. It will probably do nothing.
And just because your wife doesn’t mind you talking about a cute butt you saw doesn’t mean you can just tell her about the phone number you got at the grocery store and the date you want to schedule Friday night and expect that’s just going to work.
You’ll likely receive the divorce papers before Friday.
We’re going to talk about SAE. It stands for… who cares. We don’t. Just think, “Some car organization thingy.”
So, SAE created 6 levels, zero through five, to classify levels of vehicle autonomy. All those car makers, all those cars. They’re compared, one-to-one, through SAE autonomy levels.
Some cars have special features. Some are lacking a few features. You know, like relationships. But SAE doesn’t care about those differences. It cares about the result. What does it mean to the driver? What does the driver actually have to DO when behind the wheel?
Polyamory can similarly be organized in various degrees of partner freedom and independence. And we’re going to do it in a near word for word way.
Just remember, you are the car, and your partner is the driver.
We’re going to use the SAE levels from Wikipedia and compare them to the autonomy in relationships. We’ll call it the Relationship Autonomy Index, or RAI.
The Relationship Autonomy Index
Level 0
SAE Level 0: Automated system issues warnings and may momentarily intervene but has no sustained vehicle control.
RAI Level 0: Relationship has a high level of negotiating all external relationships and may momentarily allow monitored sub-sexual (first base, maybe second, no third) interaction but has no sustained external relationships.
Terms that can refer to this level include monogamy and serial monogamy. It may also allow for very infrequent (measured in years) for monogamish random encounters, the forgiveness of cheating, and the occasional fantasy. It would not rise to the level of swinging. These monitored activities might be kissing, petting, or flirting. Most RAI 0 do not allow or approve any of this, and monogamy is considered strict and sacred.
Someone who is RAI 0 might not have a problem with other types of control, such as monitoring movements with map tracking software, monitoring communications (taking a peek at the phone to make sure their partner isn’t cheating on them), or requiring a partner always notify them of when they are leaving, when they’ll be home, etc.
In their parlance, their partner “belongs” to them as their the sole outlet of sexual and romantic desires.
I once had a friend who liked making out with other women. It never went further, always happened in front of his loving girlfriend, and it was… just a weird thing we all observed, nervously. Their monogamous cherry remained intact, and they’re a happily married couple decades later.
Level 1
SAE Level 1 (“hands-on”): The driver and the automated system share control of the vehicle. Examples are Adaptive Cruise Control (ACC), where the driver controls steering and the automated system controls speed; and Parking Assistance, where steering is automated while speed is under manual control. The driver must be ready to retake full control at any time. Lane Keeping Assistance (LKA) Type II is a further example of level 1 self-driving.
RAI Level 1: The people involved all share control of external relationships, requiring preapproval and disclosure of all activities (no privacy exclusions). Emotional connections are refused without prior approval. Examples include all closed non-monogamous relationships, including structured swinging, closed triads, closed quads, and closed hierarchies such as One Penis/Pussy Policy (OPP), Polyandry, and Polygyny (traditional Polygamy). People involved retake full control at any time by using a Veto rule or democratic vote.
Terms that can refer to this level include female harem, male harem, couple privilege, closed hierarchy, most forms of open relationships involving a married/primary couple.
Someone who is RAI 1 might initiate a full phone and sharing policy to monitor all communications, might enforce a substantial list of rules that must be followed, and exerts control over anyone connected to them or their partners. Such people “belong” to the couple or group, to whom their sexual and romantic loyalty lies.
Couples that are RAI 1 might consider the occasional random sexual inclusion to just be something to “spice up” their own relationship, relegating most partners to temporary, living toys and no more. Often, those interactions are highly structured and monitored. Rules might include things like “No kissing,” “no private conversations,” “no playing without everyone present,” and possibly “no repeating of the same ‘extra’ person.”
The main difference between RAI 0 and RAI 1 is the deviation from traditional monogamy from being 99–100% of the time to being somewhat regular and allows for highly structured and monitored nonmonogamous activities.
Movies, music and the media love playing around with the RAI 0 and RAI 1 barrier, with films like Hall Pass. It generally goes around the idea of a woman “doing something special” for her man. She calls up her friend, whom she trusts, and invites her over. And a bottle of tequila later, he can never again complain she doesn’t get him good birthday presents. At least, that’s the fantasy. In the movies, it ends in a “the man can’t really find anyone anyways, but when he almost does, he realizes nobody will replace the wonderful woman in his life and can’t go through with it; though the woman realizes she can find someone at the drop of a hat, gets all the way into the bedroom and down to panties, and just can’t do it, and runs away to find ‘her man’.”
This stuff really writes itself. Make your royalty payments for every “we’ll try swinging” movie ever to my Paypal account. Ironically, this is technically a higher RAI level, but Hollywood is going for emotional reactions from the audience.
Reality looks more even-handed. My entrance was that I was an open-minded bisexual man who was ok inviting another man into the bedroom. It was a complete stranger… With no kissing… and no penetration… and little eye contact…
It satisfied curiosity, sparked an interest in nonmonogamy, and helped dip a toe in without abandoning monogamy. This became a regular occurrence, but with many rules and fiercely monitored, so nobody’s feelings were hurt.
For me, it was a constant dance on eggshells for me and never being allowed to play with other women, exploiting my bisexuality. For other’s, they maintain this level for decades.
Level 2
SAE Level 2 (“hands-off”): The automated system takes full control of the vehicle (accelerating, braking, and steering). The driver must monitor the driving and be prepared to intervene immediately at any time if the automated system fails to respond properly. The shorthand “hands off” is not meant to be taken literally. In fact, contact between hand and wheel is often mandatory during SAE 2 driving, to confirm that the driver is ready to intervene.
RAI Level 2: Each person takes full control of all of their own relationships (dating, breakups, and sex). The primary partners (usually a couple) monitors all activity through disclosures, trusting the honesty of their partner over more active monitoring, and may intervene with a Veto at any time. Emotional connections are discouraged without a significant period of disclosure, possibly with all involved meeting the person first.
Terms that can refer to this level include strict forms of hierarchical polyamory and open forms of swinging.
Those at RAI 2 might refer to their significant other as a “Primary” and others as “Secondaries.” They are allowed freedom to have unaccompanied dates, personal time, and sex with others, but within a set of rules that might include occasional phone monitoring, meeting and approving partners, and disclosure of rules is often necessary to such secondaries before they are allowed to date someone in an RAI 2 relationship. This might limit sexual activities, overnight stays, sexual protection, and possible emotional limits.
The difference between RAI 1 and RAI 2 is that outside relationships are allowed some level of privacy as permitted within strict rules.
Reality TV loves these! It’s because RAI 2 tends to anger people above and below this level with moral outrage for entirely opposite reasons. Monogamous people can’t believe women are ok sharing a man! Nonmonogamous people can’t believe the women can’t have other men!
For me, the experience was moving into becoming a secondary when I decided monogamy nor monogamy with swinging satisfied me. I started polyamory by dating a string of married women. This both helped ease myself into nonmonogamy without having the same eggshells I’d walked on at RAI 1. Under RAI 2, I avoided most rules because I was never the primary. Rules were their problem to deal with. But it was inconvenient. I couldn’t really have a private conversation, couldn’t get any partner to emotionally connect very well, and ultimately wanted more freedom.
And honestly, I also became tired of having to become friends and hang out with each and every husband. There was a real “commune” vibe at this level for me. Everyone wanted everyone to live near one another. I only later realized this allowed for easier monitoring, even if it was a subconscious thought.
Level 3
SAE Level 3 (“eyes off”): The driver can safely turn their attention away from the driving tasks, e.g., the driver can text or watch a movie. The vehicle will handle situations that call for an immediate response, like emergency braking. The driver must still be prepared to intervene within some limited time, specified by the manufacturer when called upon by the vehicle to do so. As an example, the 2018 Audi A8 Luxury Sedan was the first commercial car to claim to be capable of level 3 self-driving. This particular car has a so-called Traffic Jam Pilot. When activated by the human driver, the car takes full control of all aspects of driving in slow-moving traffic at up to 60 kilometers per hour (37 mph). The function works only on highways with a physical barrier separating one stream of traffic from oncoming traffic.
RAI Level 3: Partners pre-negotiate rules of the road for outside relationships and disclosures, but doesn’t have to have too many details about other partners. Partners are usually left to handle situations (drama) within their own relationships. Any partner may call for a limited pause in activity in certain circumstances that may negatively impact a primary relationship. Emotional development is expected and allowed, but requires negotiation if the relationship approaches or disrupts the primary relationship. A veto is the last option, rarely used, but available.
Terms that can refer to this level include loose forms of hierarchical polyamory, rule-based open relationships, and the most open forms of swinging.
An RAI 3 couple believes in rules, but that they are a bit softer and require a lot of communication. There is a belief that existing relationships must be protected against new ones by the careful establishment of rules and navigation through disclosures. There may still be phone monitoring and a set of rules, but much of this is based on a type of honor system of trust. There may or may not exist “primaries,” though, in RAI 3, this term has fallen out of favor as antiquated. Vetos are also out of favor when not accompanied by a conversation first.
As of 2018, RAI 3 still remains the most well-known form of polyamory and is practiced by many because of the increase in books and other media produced for non-monogamy before 2010.
These relationships often model the way polyamory was presented through the early 2000s. It is hierarchical based with a “primary” relationship at its center. It is the prototypical Hierarchical Polyamory.
The main difference between RAI 2 and 3 is the trust given to each person to follow the rules, moving rules from actively enforced to passively enforced.
I was reasonably comfortable at RAI 3. I felt a bit more freedom, and I was more than happy to let other’s know that I had no intention of stealing their partner. As a live and let live kind of person, I didn’t feel judgemental over the relationships of others. I knew I was close to my ideal relationship type.
The problems arose when I started to be the “primary.” I was a primary for a year at one point with one partner, and it was ultimately a relationship that crashed and burned. I didn’t like having to meet all these other people, always talking about rules and how partners “fit in.” The rules were seeming to cause unnecessary problems all by themselves.
I was dealing with so many other people and having to do all this extra work that I never really had time to date myself. After that relationship, I ditched the rules and just started talking about my ideal relationship. Under RAI 3, I felt a restriction of growth beyond discussions about rules.
Level 4
SAE Level 4 (“mind off”): As level 3, but no driver attention is ever required for safety, e.g., the driver may safely go to sleep or leave the driver’s seat. Self-driving is supported only in limited spatial areas (geofenced) or under special circumstances, like traffic jams. Outside of these areas or circumstances, the vehicle must be able to safely abort the trip, e.g., park the car, if the driver does not retake control.
RAI Level 4: No partner disclosure is required as there are no rules, but is optional for all partners. Basic relationship boundaries are set in advance and may be renegotiated at any time. When new types of relationship styles come into contact with existing partners, they initiate communication over boundaries and issues that may arise. Partners are expected to avoid bringing in, or to leave, toxic relationships on their own without requiring another partner to intervene, e.g., understanding when a boundary is crossed and taking care of it themselves instead of just disclosing it, as is done in golf’s tradition of “calling fouls on yourself” and notifying anyone affected if need be.
Terms that can refer to this level include nonhierarchical polyamory, open relationships that disclose to existing partners of existing partners but without a primary relationship.
RAI 4 marks a clear separation from the idea of rules and instead focuses on communication and boundaries. RAI 4 has been gaining in popularity since 2010, mainly due to the spread of nonmonogamy to a younger generation with alternative ideas about marriage, relationships, and commitment. RAI 4 focuses on Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as its primary tool.
These relationships may still have negotiations that may look rule-like, but they are not set in stone and are agreed upon preferences and boundaries. These often include boundaries around safer sex practices, honest disclosures about general information about other partners, disclosing their own relationship so that others know about them, and negotiated schedules.
The main difference between RAI 3 and RAI 4 is the removal of the intentional primacy of any relationship and rules to protect it.
This is where I found my comfort level. I was comfortable just trusting my partners to talk to me. After all, if I didn’t trust them to do that, why would I have a relationship with them at all? Why would I trust they’d follow the rules if I didn’t trust them?
RAI 4 has excellent adaptability and flow to it that allows for trial, error, and exploration of growing in different types of relationships.
Level 5
SAE Level 5 (“steering wheel optional”): No human intervention is required at all. An example would be a robotic taxi.
RAI Level 5: There are no partner disclosures, vetos, negotiations, or interventions. All partners have a 100% independent agency.
Terms that can refer to this include relationship anarchy or relationship anarchists.
At RAI 5, every interaction is negotiated on a case by case basis. No relationship is established, nor any expectations held. RAI 5 does not distinguish between friends, lovers, and permanent partners.
Very few people go full RAI 5. Many do establish long-term relationships, even if they use the Relationship Anarchist moniker. But most do reserve the right to maintain loose enough ties to start and stop any relationship at any time, for any reason, without having to explain why. This, of course, varies from person to person.
The main difference between RAI 4 and RAI 5 is the elimination of permanent relationships with expectations. RAI 5 doesn’t recognize the need for establishing expectations around sex, for instance.
I’ve flirted with RAI 5 when dating. But I’ve always settled down into RAI 4. I’ve found I’m just not built to not form relationships which are unlike everyone else in my life. I have dated a few people who were fully RAI 5, so they do exist, and they take their freedom seriously and may take advances to label relationships as a threat to that freedom.
RAI Quick Reference
RAI 0: Monogamy
RAI 1: Highly structured and monitored rule-based nonmonogamy, outsiders as sex toys.
RAI 2: Monitored rule-based nonmonogamy with permanent relationships, primaries/secondaries.
RAI 3: Unmonitored rule-based nonmonogamy with permanent relationships, primaries/secondaries.
RAI 4: Unmonitored communication-based nonmonogamy with permanent relationships, no secondaries.
RAI 5: Unmonitored communication-based nonmonogamy without any permanent relationships.
What Is Your RAI?
I also encourage you to link to this free article and avoid the drama yourself when talking to someone or writing up that dating profile.
Are you RAI 3 and just want to talk to people who understand your structure? Are you an RAI 5 who doesn’t want to explain yourself to every RAI 1 unicorn hunter who wants to form a triad with you as the third leg? Are you an RAI 4 who doesn’t want to deal with primary couples and their rules? Are you an RAI 2 who is tired of cowboys trying to turn fun play into a secret affair to steal your spouse?
I’m not judging. This is a tool to help foster the relationships you wish to build. Of course, my other articles will have things to say on these topics and the pitfalls of some of these types of thinking.
We’ll explore in future articles more about RAI and how it impacts on things such as dating between levels, dating couples when you metamour is significantly different, and how to target key areas to work on when transitioning between levels.
I’m RAI 4. What’s your level?
Check it the video on this topic:
