I had to write this list to realise I was in a toxic relationship…
Breaking up with anyone is hard. This is someone in whom you have invested a lot of time, effort, money and emotions. Feeling guilty about endings things can be crippling.
This was how I felt anyway. So I actually wrote a list of some of the most upsetting moments that had happened in our year and a half together. In chronological order. And it made things a lot clearer.
- Telling me that having any previous sexual relations with a non white-person, prior to ever meeting him, was a deal breaker. He then made it clear that a transgression of this magnitude was the most shameful and disgusting thing that a white woman could do.
- Having any kind of casual sexual relationship, prior to meeting him, would make me a slut in his eyes.
- Telling me I was spending too much time at my exercise classes, I was too involved with the community there (all women), and he could see on my Facebook that other people in my class were at home, so why the hell was I still there?
- Punching a washing machine 3 times in a rage, then slamming shut my only exiting door from the room.
- Informing me that he didn’t like me to be drunk in the company of other men.
- Kicking the leg off a coffee table in a rage because it was broken, then screaming ‘shut up’ in my face when I tried to calm him down.
- Asking me why I was online on WhatsApp and not talking to him or replying immediately.
- Accusing me of messaging other men because I had been online on WhatsApp and had not messaged him.
- Hiding his phone from me but demanding to use mine to casually surf the web or to check his own emails.
- Private messaging another girl on Facebook and liking her selfies, and responding to my questions about it by accusing me of having a ‘fuckbuddy’ before I had even met him.
- Asking me what I wanted for my birthday the day of my actual birthday, then giving it to me two weeks later, unwrapped.
- Knowing that he spent more on a gram of cocaine than he did on my birthday present.
- This list does not include all of the upsetting moments I felt, nor does the amount of times a moment is mentioned directly correlate to the amount of times that it actually happened.