I’m A Fashion Icon At Least Five Years Ahead Of My Time

Jealousy breeds envy, and everyone who is anyone knows that Bizzy Bone, a key member of Bone Thugs N’ Harmony, has an entire song about this. Envy, my friends, is what we have on our hands here in my office.

I started working at Grandex under the guide of PGP’s Dave Ruff (@dcarterruff) and Will DeFries (@willdefries). They’ve been of immense help since I started here, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address a topic which has become something of a hot budding issue at desks all across this media company. It’s even been discussed several times on the critically acclaimed podcast Touching Base.

I have a personality that I could most aptly describe as “acquired”. Sort of like goat cheese or tofu. My personal style (i.e. what I wear to work and out in public) would also fall under a similar category. It’s daring, it’s eclectic, and in no way definable. Sure, you could probably sit there and say it’s normcore, a particular style of fashion that swept the nation around a year ago and was also just recently added to the 2016 Associated Press Stylebook. But confining my aesthetic to one single trend would not only be foolish, it would be downright irresponsible. My colleagues will probably say that Matthew McConaughey, or themselves, is the most fashionable person in Austin. I, of course, maintain that I am.

Let’s take a look at Exhibit A, a tweet from Monday afternoon, where you can almost make out that I’m in the middle of scarfing down some string cheese;

I responded to what I perceived as a slight some twenty minutes later, unaware that the caption was actually meant to be a compliment. And in hindsight, it is a compliment. Who among us wouldn’t want to be a trust fund baby born and bred in the hotbed lacrosse area that is Nantucket Island? I certainly would.

Let’s delve a little deeper into what I wore in the picture above because I’m very much enjoying talking about myself right now. I paired a scoop neck tee from Zara with a terry cloth hooded sweatshirt from J. Crew. In the spirit of the UEFA Euro Cup this month, I wore the only piece of soccer apparel I had-some Manchester United shorts that are straight flames. To top it all off, Birkenstocks with some Smartwool socks. If that isn’t a fire outfit than I don’t know what is.

Dillon Chevevere (@rogerjdorn) makes it a point to snapchat many of my outfits. What he doesn’t realize is that by doing this he’s only furthering my cause to be an #influencer not just in the office or across this great nation of ours, but all over the globe as well. I’m an ambassador from brands ranging from Ralph Lauren to Vetements.

Outfits that I put together are not for the faint of heart, and although I do think our good buddy Dillon has great taste in clothing, he isn’t touching me in the fashion department. Nor is he close to as skilled on the basketball court, but that is a story for another day. The bathing suit obsessed Will DeFries? That would be like comparing Zoolander (Will) to an up and comer like Hansel (me).

I transcend style, elegance, and fashion. I bring together multiple brands and eras when I get dressed for a night on the town or a day in the cubicle farm. And yeah, I do it for the attention. It’s called peacocking. To be the best you have to stand out. If you want vanilla then go to Nordstrom and get yourself a new gingham button down like every other twenty something with a little extra cash in their pocket.

And while I don’t think many are on board with my look just yet I’m confident that they’ll come around. I maintain that the reason I get so much grief over my commitment to fashion on a daily basis is that I’m ahead of my time. In five, ten, hell, maybe even fifteen or twenty years from now, people all over the world will look at a picture of me not disgusted, but merely aghast.

“How? How could he have possibly known what we’d be wearing all the way back in 2016?”

And while you may laugh at a sock and Birkenstock combo presently, take some advice from me when I tell you that you should get in on my trends early. Because once they pop, an outfit similar to the one pictured above may cost you more than a fit from Yeezy Season 2.

Let that hate flow through you. Much like a ravenous hyena craves fresh wildebeest, I crave hate with that same enthusiasm. It is what fuels me. We are connected only by the fact that you need me. As I need you, dear hater. I live just beneath your skin. I am the itch you cannot scratch. I am the pest you can’t rid your home of. I am hate incarnate. I welcome you, and your detestation, with open arms.

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