Your Friends Will Fall By The Wayside Once You Get A Girlfriend

When it comes to a heterosexual, monogamous relationship, just know that you cannot have it both ways. If you retain anything from this column, let it be that. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that it is a difficult, high wire balancing act trying to satisfy your girlfriend whilst simultaneously keeping up a rapport with your friends.

You can talk all you want about how your friends and your girlfriend can co-exist, but in your heart of hearts you know that’s a lie. Sooner or later you’ll draw a line in the proverbial sand, and once that happens you are required to make a choice.

The guys who can’t keep a healthy balance end up losing one or the other eventually. Why do you think that as married couples grow older they stop leaving the house? It’s because they lose touch with friends of yore. And yeah, to a smaller extent it is true that as you get older things like nightlife become less and less important.

Life gets in the way of planning a rendezvous at a bar, and no girlfriend wants to play second fiddle to you constantly hanging out with your single friends. Your friends eventually get benched. That’s just a fact. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the significant other will take precedence over a group hangout nine times out of ten.

Even if your girlfriend is a “guy’s girl”- you know the type, right? The one who loves sports, can hold her own in a conversation involving sports, and tells crude jokes. Those girls are fun. But do you really want a female Stephen A. Smith around you at all times? There are just some things you would rather not say in front of women. No matter how cool you think your girlfriend is in social situations, there’s a small part of every one of your friends’ brains that resents her for taking up time that could otherwise be spent with the crew.

You can only have this “play with the boys” attitude for so long before it comes back to bite you. This of course alienates the woman you’re dating (or trying to date) and drives them away. And yeah, you do have the option to slap a filter on yourself. But once you put a muzzle on your mouth, just know that it’s pretty much over for you. Here’s what happens. It’s gradual, but steady.

First, if you’re still bringing your girlfriend around your single friends you’ll stop giving your thoughts on how you think Taylor Swift is awful in bed. Instead of giving your friend a high five when he says that Ariana Grande looks like she “could suck a golf ball through a garden hose,” you’ll only let out a nervous chuckle. You’ll then whisper something like “Do you want to leave?” to your girlfriend and you guys will more than likely high tail out of there within the next half hour. Just make sure it’s out of ear shot of the squad.

Sooner or later you’ll forget what it’s like to not have a girlfriend and decide you’d rather spend your Saturday on the couch with her over getting day drunk on bloodies and Miller Lite. One night a week out with the guys becomes one night every couple of weeks. One night every couple of weeks becomes once a month, and then before you know it you’re 28, 29, 30 years old and you’re engaged.

You subdue your innate desire to be a drunk idiot with your friends for the sake of getting laid. And that’s totally fine. If I had any shot at having a girlfriend, I would take that action right now. I’m 25. I’m nearing what feels like the twilight of my single years. I’ve got two, maybe three, years tops, to find a girlfriend and settle down before I become Michael Jordan on the Wizards.

Either way you look at it, you’re alienating someone. You just have to choose whether it’s the boys or the girl that walk away happy. It’s this balancing act that I think drives men insane.

Take it back to that time you were still single. No real fucks to be had. You probably grew a mustache for a few weeks in November and every girl you talked to gasped and groaned as one after another told you to shave it off. I bet their male counterparts were all coming up to you and offering to buy you a beer as they told you how much they admired that crumb catcher on your upper lip. That’s happened to me before, and it’s no doubt happened to countless males before me.

I’m not trying to say that girlfriends take the fun out of everything. I’m just saying that it’s a different kind of fun when you’re with your girlfriend. Whether you want to admit it or not, all men go the route of Will Hunting. Eventually we all have to go see about a girl..

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