Diary of a Potential Father

Post One

January

My first efforts at documenting this frightening and life-changing adventure begin whilst lying alone in bed, watching England inevitably lose another cricket match to spin bowling. It strikes me that although nothing about the match will impact my life in anyway, in future months I may not have the luxury of such moments of self-serving relaxation and enjoyment. Some days this realisation deeply worries me as I contemplate sacrficing my easy, do-what-i-like existence which serves me well. Other days I feel that there must be more to life than working/playing hard and balancing this with bouts of exercise followed by vegetating on the sofa in front of forgettable TV shows. There seems to be a hole that I need to fill, something that I want to imprint on the world beyond my mere physical presence.

Following the recent upsizing move from bustling (traffic heavy) and cosmopolitan (restaurant heavy) Tunbridge Wells to the rural quiet and neighbourly Uckfield, it seems that all is in place to begin the life-changing domestic adventure. However, much like arriving at an airport ready to fly with all planes grounded (probably due to some Scandinavian volcanic eruption), we find ourselves with passport in hand but as yet nowhere to go.

A recent night out with close university friends has done nothing to allay the concerns. One friend has 1 small child whilst the other two have 2 each and despite it being a fun night, it was interspersed with stories of sleepless nights, terrible tantrums and difficult days, especially from those with double the trouble. This is all apparently outweighed by the fact that bringing up a kid is lots of fun. Through my work in primary schools and the insight into the comical world of young brains, I can see how this would be the case but the question that continues to nag me is whether its enough to make up for the life-changing compromise?

A massive tick in the ‘Pro’ column is the dramatic increase in the number of sexual encounters with my beautiful wife. Although I am well aware that this is a very temporary state of affairs that will no doubt dive theatrically off a cliff as soon as there is a hint of pregnancy, for the moment it is very well received. Ironically for someone with a high sex drive, it’s not all fireworks and climatic joy though! On a recent early morning, I was dragged out of my broken slumber by repeated shouts of ‘Ovulating!’ and a demand that I supply the goods there and then. With minimal conversation and zero build up, I did my best to play my part but failed to fulfil expectations. It could well have been that the reality of what we were trying to do terrified my subconcious and like a rabbit in headlights, my body refused to respond.

I recently watched a fictional TV show on the early stages of pregnancy and even though it was a comedy, the sheer scale of compromise was overwhelming. As someone who has always prided myself on being open to change and being able to adapt to new environments and challenges, maybe getting older has left me less willing or less equipped to embrace change on this scale. Let’s see what February brings.