Expectations vs. Agreements: How to Honorably Cultivate True Cooperation

So I’m thinking of a time I got very frustrated. My older daughter, she’s 15-years old and my wife and I keep getting after her about leaving clothes strewn about on the floor, on the couch, on the bathroom floor… the living room, on our bed. Shirts, jackets you name it. And we’re finding ourselves repeating ourselves again and again, “Honey, don’t do that. Please pick up after yourself.” What did I eventually conclude as a solution to this scenario?

What do you do when people you either live with or work with, people you have an ongoing relationship with do certain things, again and again and again that just make ya crazy? They just seem to repeatedly trigger frustration and upset. You ask over and over, and over again and no matter what you say it doesn’t seem to make a bit of difference. I have a solution.

What did I do with my daughter?

It’s not what you might expect.

I actually, after having an insight into my frustration and the dynamic playing itself out, I very humbly came to my daughter and I apologized. Yep!

I said, “You know how this pattern has been going on and I’ve been getting frustrated recently… Quite frequently? She says “Yes” tentatively.

I say “I want to apologize to you.” Her eyes go wide.

“I want to apologize to you because I realize that I’ve been holding an expectation that this is something you should know and that you should do.” She’s listening.

And I realize that you never had any part of that agreement. It’s been an implicit expectation and as a result I’ve set myself up for frustration and pushback from you that doesn’t serve either of us or your mom. So I’d like to revisit this whole territory and see if we can come up with an agreement that works for both of us.”

And we did.

We came up with an agreement that worked for both of us and brought a new gracefulness, a flow, an ease, and a responsible honoring of the agreement on her part, I’d like to clarify and break down what I’m really talking about.

I’m talking about the distinction between Expectations vs. Agreements. I first heard this distinction made by Steve Chandler, a coaching teacher and now colleague of mine, who pointed this out. I immediately found it so valuable.

Let’s look at a few key distinctions and the results they tend to yield. An expectation tends to be unilateral. That’s one of the key ingredients that sets us up for frustration, disappointment and strain in most relationships. These are unconscious or perhaps only conscious unilateral assumptions where one side runs a presumption of authority that that the relationship or behavior should play out in certain ways. But there’s no conscious articulated agreement that’s ever established. So “You should clean up after yourself.” Well, if that’s not someone’s M.O., and it’s simply presumed, then that’s not an agreement. That’s an expectation.

There may be expectations set up in a household that a parent might have for a child, or that a child might have for a parent, or between spouses, or co-workers in a professional setting or employer and employee or the other way around. There’s all kinds of ways in which we can have expectations and when we do they’re unilateral.

What happens when things are unilateral — — the party that isn’t privy to being a part of whatever is expected will tend to feel judged, and appropriately so, because oftentimes they are being judged.

There is an implicit, “You should…” In the case of the example I chose, it was implicit. “You should clean up after yourself. You should pick up your clothes. You ought to…”

Now one can argue for that position. But the truth of the matter is that whenever there is an energetic “should, should not, ought to, ought not, supposed to, supposed not,” we’re shoulding on the situation and when we do, we’re in judgment. There’s an energetic against-ness — — against the behavior.

My experience is that when we judge something or someone it’s like pushing a basketball into a pool of water. When we push the basketball down, it’ll tend to pushback. So when we’re shoulding — — just like when someone is shoulding in our direction — — I know from my own experience — — I will tend to pushback and forcefully sometimes. I will tend to rebel against the thing that I’m being shoulded to do. So that’s one thing. Expectations are unilateral as distinct from agreements which tend to be mutual.

In an agreement as distinct from an expectation, there isn’t a silent assumption that only one party is privy to… Rather, in an agreement one steps up and says, “Hey, this is what I would like. But it’s important to me that I have your buy in and that we do this collaboratively. Is there a way in which my need for cleanliness and order can work for you. Can you support me in getting my need met in a way that will also work for you? Can we talk about that?”

In the case with my daughter, I asked her something along those lines and she proposed that she’d like to be able to put her clothes on the couch, on chairs in the living room. She proposed three or four places. And I said, “Most of that works fro me. I’d like to be more specific and make some distinctions.” ’Cause we’re making an agreement. It’s implicitly mutual and collaborative.

“I’d like to say that if you take your jacket off and your near the couch, that you put it on the arm of the couch rather than in the middle of the couch. And if your close to the dinner table, with your jacket or whatever that you hang it on the back of a chair rather than the tossed on the table. And that if you go to the bedroom, that you either put whatever it is that your not wearing either in the hamper if it’s ready to be cleaned or hang it up again in the closet. . And in terms of the bathroom I’d like a similar guideline. Would that work for you?”

She agreed with that.

And it was all very calm and easy. No frustration. No charge. No judgment. Just a genuine coming together with a collaborative solution — — an agreement.

So here are some key distinctions:

Expectations are unilateral and agreements are mutual.

Expectations tend to have judgment built into them that someone ought to or should be doing something. When we’re approaching someone with an “ought to or should.” That’s a judgment and there will tend to be pushback. We will tend to rebel. When we have expectations we’re actually setting ourselves up for frustration as well as setting the people we have expectations of up for frustration. Whereas with agreements, there’s mutuality.

There’s a mutual honoring of agency. There’s an implicit communication of “I have agency and you have agency. And because I honor your having the dignity and the sovereignty over your own behavior and agency, I’d like to invite you into collaboration so we can come up with an agreement that works for both of us in getting our needs met . ”

In an agreement rather than there being pushback or a rebelling against, when there’s an agreement that’s established where there’s mutuality, we tend, having been honored as having agency, as having sovereignty and participating in an empowered way rather than a disempowered way which tends to prompt a pulling out of participation. Empowered by the recognition of our agency we will tend to wanna honor our agreements. So cooperation and collaboration is fostered. That’s been my experience with our now 19-year old daughter.

When on occasion in one area or another I find myself feeling a frustration I do my best to explore what my presumptions are, what my assumptions are and how I might transform my expectations into new agreements. And this goes both ways. There are times my daughter has expectations of me but we haven’t established agreements. So she very wisely will come back to me and say “Hey, Dad… Can we establish an agreement around this particular thing? Like for example my making noise before a certain hour if she’s sleeping. Or whatever the thing might is… And it just helps for fostering cooperation, collaboration and an overall harmonious loving flow . — — And isn’t that what we’re all after.

Agreements foster mutual trust, respect and even contribute to long term success of personal and professional relationships as rules of engagement are consciously established in a way that honors all parties concerned.

In a work environment it also foster efficiency and productivity, in a way that rides on an energy of flow of harmony of peaceful and uplifting mutually honoring expression and activity.

Expectations vs. Agreements: I find this extremely helpful. I hope you find a measure of value and I invite you to check inside as to where in your professional or personal life you might be able to apply this idea and perhaps, as I’ve done myself, and do periodically, you might find it valuable to do an inventory of the different areas of your life, along the different spokes of the wheel of life. And see where you have expectations that might lead to frustration and how might you transform those expectations into agreements?

Hope you’re having a beautiful day.

Blessings your way ~ Gregory

Additional content exploring authentic living can be found at https://www.facebook.com/gregoryvahaniancoaching and more information about my Transformational Life Coaching practice can be found at www.gregoryvahanian.com