Girls! Love your flaws, tout your talents

I have observed, experienced and read that women take criticism too seriously. Even the feedback that we do so, haunts us as a verdict. This is true in the workplace and this is true at home. Perhaps, we are simply wired that way?

An important exception to this is the feedback women receive on their work. For example, in academia, criticism is directed towards the paper being presented. I understand that such criticism is the norm in the field of scientific research. Women who are researchers and scientists take such feedback on their work in a professional spirit, just as well as their male counterparts. The grey area emerges where feedback is not much to do with the piece of work being presented but is a general verdict on personal qualities which could range from work style (“you are too assertive”) to hairstyle (“those light highlights take away from your professional gravitas”).

If we are indeed wired this way, how can a culture where it is considered constructive to offer feedback for improvement help us thrive? Will it really bring the best out in us, ladies? Surprisingly, often the harshest of such feedback is doled out by our own inner voice. It is high time, we change that. “Filling the gaps” will trap us women in an endless spiral of beating ourselves up. And we will forever wonder what went wrong. No, what I did wrong.

We crave recognition. We thrive on positive reinforcement. Women need self-love, we need to compliment ourselves and other women. We need to play to our strengths and ignore our weaknesses. Yes, you read that right — ignore. Altogether. Let me also dispel any concern that positive reinforcement may result in inflated egos. Any inflation of this part of our psyche is sorely needed at this time (especially, if you are a mom)!

Women need to start accepting their whole imperfect selves so fully that there isn’t even a need to rectify or fix anything. Note that I use the word need, not aspire. Of course, we could aspire to be better each day. However, that effort should be motivated by the possibility of becoming a fuller person rather than by a socio-cultural norm you must fit in with. Nothing about a kind, healthy, sane woman can be a problem to fix, can it?

Stay boyish, be bossy if you like. Stay vocal, stay straight-forward. Stay on your own schedule, or if you do not like schedules, stay spontaneous. Stay unreligious, stay skeptic. Stay girly, stay shy. All of this is fine. Let other people learn to accept and appreciate you. In fact, to begin with, let them see and hear you, just as you are. Be yourself, unabashedly, steadfastly. They will thank you for it, and so will you.

Prajakta Kharkar Nigam

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