Air Bud

So, let’s talk about one of the greatest cinematic universes of the last 60 years. Let’s talk about the rise and fall of one of the greatest film franchises of ALL TIME. Let’s talk about the slow descent it made into hell as it desperately attempted to remain relevant in a world that consistently fought to forget it.

Let’s talk about Air Bud.

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In order to discuss Air Bud, we need to discuss the year it came out; we need to discuss 1997. It was kind of a big year! Bill Clinton was sworn in for his second term, Divorce became legal in the republic of Ireland, Pokemon premiered on TV Tokyo, James Cameron’s Titanic hit theaters, Buffy made an explosive debut, and all kinds of other stuff that’s in the Wikipedia article for 1997.

So, you can see that 1997 was truly a year where greatness was in the very air people lived and breathed. Everyone wanted to believe that they could be and do their very best! Everyone wanted to succeed and have everyone around them succeed just as hard! Except maybe not because I mean, there are a lot of factors that feed into the socioeconomic drive to succeed, and this is an article about Air Bud.

Hell, even the title is weirdly vague. If it weren’t for the header image that I’ve likely attached to this article, and the fact that this film was such an important part of all of the lives of those that survived the year 1997, you probably wouldn’t even know what it was about. It sounds like the sort of title the 2000’s would attach to a film produced by Snoop Dogg about an Airline. Instead, the 90’s took the title and gave it to a film about a dog that could sometimes ram its face into a ball hard enough to play a sport.

A dog they will at no time ever call “Air Bud”, and let’s all be mildly thankful but slightly frustrated by that for a moment. Let’s mutually agree to just take a breath and not revisit this, alright? It’s not that big of a deal and we’ve got a whole lot to get through here.

The first film starts out strong, featuring a cast that still had the joy and energy of a group of actors that couldn’t possibly know the hell they were to be locked into for (at least) four more movies. The director even directed the first episode of Buffy! This was a movie that could inspire, that could present real social change, or at the very least win a teen choice award!

Over the course of the franchise, this dog would proceed to master absolutely every single sport that was placed in its path, and right the wrongs of the world that stood between it and true perfection. Through mastery of basketball, they defeated child abuse. Through mastery of Football, they defeated communism. Through mastery of another sport sometimes called football, they would win the war on drugs. Finally, through mastery of Volleyball, they would manage to defeat the cross-species language barrier and foil grand larceny.

Yet despite these accomplishments, somehow the movie franchise abandoned our canine savior in the interest of pursuing the life and times of his children. Somehow they decided that the ascension of man’s best friend should be abandoned in favor of five untested puppies. They had seemingly forgotten how Buddy had already been tempered in the fires of adversity and come out better for it.

Because of this, the viewing public turned away from the bud (now the buddies) franchise. We could not bear to witness what had become of something that mattered so much to so many of us. I never stopped wondering what could have been, however. Where else could Buddy’s adventures have taken him? What heights would he reach, and what adversities would he face during his ascension?

I no longer wonder, for now I know. I know the heights Buddy would reach and the depths he would fall to along the way. I alone have seen into the literal heart of Buddy the Golden Retriever and divined the truth of what potential lay before him. The potential they took from all of us, and the potential that I will share with you now. Just know that if you walk this path with me, there is no turning back. You will be seeing into the true heart of a world that the nineties turned away from in fear.

Air Bud 6: H.U.D Bud

Buddy gains the uncanny ability to play first person shooters! Through this, Buddy and a crack team of miscellaneous other animals manage to defeat a team of vicious hackers that may or may not be tied to international terrorism!

Air Bud 7: Dud Bud

Having been drafted into military service due to his previous exploits, Buddy gains the uncanny ability to locate and defuse I.E.D.’s! Through this, Buddy and a goat named Shep (Gilbert Gottfried) manage to discover and apprehend a renowned war criminal!

Air Bud 8: Air Furse One

Returning home a renowned veteran, Buddy is brought before the President of the United States of America. It’s at this point that Buddy gains the uncanny ability to defend the President from his enemies! Through this, and new friend Goldie the Bald Eagle (Sylvester Stallone), Buddy manages to stage a desperate defense of Freedom as hijackers threaten the president aboard his private jet!

Air Bud 9: Olympaws has Fallen

After the President is revealed to have been a traitor to mankind, Buddy gains the uncanny ability to be the one true leader of the free world. His terrible vengeance fells all the foes that stand before him, and the ruins of what was once America is reworked to his glorious vision for mankind. New friend Hecate the Snake (Angelina Jolie) joins in on the fun!

Air Bud 10: He’s literally flying now

Air Bud 11: He’s literally flying now and we can’t escape him

Air Bud 12: He’s literally flying towards you right now, seriously you need to hide

Air Bud 13: He is upon you now, there is no escape

I’m afraid that from this point onward, there is no turning back.

This knowledge is going to live inside you now, and there’s no possible way that connection can be severed. It’s going to surface first as laughter and then an uneasy calm. You’ll smile later, thinking about it. You’ll smile again, less earnestly as the thought comes, unbidden to your mind a little later after that. You’ll itch and scratch your skin that night, and every night afterwards. Every night until you decide to share what you know with someone else. They’ll think you’re crazy at first, because of course they will. It’s fucking Air Bud, it can’t do anything but produce a flawed cinematic legacy.
At that point, you’ll realize the best way to share it is to OWN the ludicrous premise. Make the horror that echoes inside your teeth every single night into a joke for someone else to enjoy. It won’t matter at that point, they’ll still have taken it inside of them. They’ll still have consumed and digested the poison that you’ve passed them, and for a time, relief will come to you.

It won’t last.

Just like Air Bud

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[Wonderful images crafted by Malcolm Lee ]