Giving and Receiving Friendship
And how I suck at both
I wanted to write this after 23rd March. I actually wanted to write this on 8th January. Well, 31st December of 2014. I have a lot of excuses for this delay and most involve my obsessions with friendships. So, Why have I picked today to write about this? Answer: I feel I have no friend that I was promised by Bollywood and Indian soaps. The illusion has lifted.
I have never had a friend that has lasted more than two years with me. I have a decade old friend circle and guess what! they are my sister’s and most are five to ten years older than me. Even though I have been surrounded by different types of friends over the years, absolutely nothing has been able to fill my heart and give me that satisfaction that a best friend is ideally supposed to give. (More on that expectation later.)
I almost bled from my neck when a boy attacked me with a steel ruler.
I was bullied in school, I bullied in school. I nearly made a girl blind in one eye, I am sincerely sorry Adiba! I almost bled from my neck when a boy attacked me with a steel ruler. I was in and thrown out of cliques. I have had my fair share of mean girls who have publicly humiliated me. I have never been in on group secrets or plans throughout my college life. I dont have a single friend from my school or college days. I see so many of my batch mates uploading group pictures on facebook and I will admit that it makes me insanely jealous. There have been times that I have been bored out of my mind with some friends and distanced myself. I have been neglecting, stand-offish and downright rude. I have been selfish and possessive. Always wondering, will I ever find that one friend that will be an answer to all my woes? the right fit? Will He/She cure me of this two year curse?
I didnt find an everlasting friendship the way I was objectifying it. There was no Sex in my City. But, I found something more important last year.
I went to a Nutritionist, a Counsellor, a Psychotherapist/Healer, attended self-help workshops and joined as a volunteer at an NGO for children to find a cure for my inability to keep friendships intact or just keep my mind occupied
I had started to disintegrate into a pile of hot mess because of a broken friendship. It was a friend I had always wanted and I lost it because of a lot of reasons which are meant for another blog. I went to a Nutritionist, a Counsellor, a Psychotherapist/Healer, attended self-help workshops and joined as a volunteer at an NGO for children to find a cure for my inability to keep friendships intact or just keep my mind occupied. I acted out of desperation and self pity. I repeated the story over and over again to my friend circle and strangers and anybody who would listen. One such person, a former teacher, told me something that has changed my life forever. He said, “Ever heard of Vipassana?”
BOOM! Vipassana meditation entered my life. Gautam Buddha entered my life. Dharma entered my life. Sangha entered my life. The right relation entered my life. (I still havent found a friend and I do become bitter at times but I have learned how to handle my emotions.)
“Nothing is permanent”.
Absolutely nothing can teach you how to live life except that statement. After 10 days in complete silence, I began talking to myself (Naturally, As I couldnt talk to anybody). I found all the answers that I had been seeking from others.
Have you truly given friendship to others? Have you truly received the friendship of others?
All my life, upto this point, I have blamed everything and everyone. I have even blamed my self. Then the realisation of ‘SELF’ happened. I asked myself, “Preksha. You are known by so many names in this life. You were known by so many names in your past lives. What is this obsession with friendship that has taken over your life? Are you going to live forever? You are alive now. Are you making the most of it? Have you truly given friendship to others? Have you truly received the friendship of others? Are you a friend to your current self that is Preksha?”
The truth is No. I havent been a good friend. Not to myself, not to others. I haven’t been able to receive friendship in the way it was given to me by people. I couldn’t let go of my expectations and judgements about who I thought a friend was. My definition of friendship was Kajol and Shahrukh Khan in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, the Remix Gang on the now defunct Star One channel, The Imaginary dead friend in Just Mohabbat, the Hip Hip Hurray guys, The Sanjeevani Guys, etc etc, the list goes on.
I am now learning how to be in a right relation with people. I always ask my self if I am truly open to giving and receiving friendship in all its forms. When the honest inner answer is No, I dont lose hope and patience. I let it pass. I work to get that knot out. I know its not permanent and I dont beat myself up for having obstacles. I have accepted the humanity of it all. I let myself experience everything. I have a rare gift to feel all the colours of emotions because I am at the top of the food chain y’all!
Myself is such a deer in front of headlights. It won’t know what hit it unless it has already hit, you get it?
Ofcourse I am still judgemental. I am a Hypocrite. I hoard emotions. I don’t let people enter or exit my life easily. There is an anger inside me that wants to be promoted to the position of Senior McRage Machine. The difference is that, earlier, I was blind to the person I was letting myself become. I am more conscious of what is affecting me. I truly see what enters my mind for what it is. I am more understanding and forgiving to myself. Because myself is such a deer in front of headlights. It won’t know what hit it unless it has already hit, you get it?
Even though I still haven’t felt that spiritual connection of a friendship (LORD HAVE MERCY!), I know i’ll either be it or have it when the time is right. When the person is truly giving it and I am truly receiving it.
Have some compassion for yoself! You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important! (Courtesy: The Help)