How To Ruin A Marriage
There are so many ways to ruin a marriage that sometimes it’s hard to pick just one. You could go the classic route and find someone else to have sex with. This way, you can either tell your spouse how much you hate them and how you much rather screw the Orkin Man that lives a few houses down, or you can actually let your spouse find you, legs in the air, and let them figure it out. However, many find that this can be rather time-consuming as it means you’d first have to find someone willing to sleep with your very-married ass. So for those of you that just want to find a few simple ways to completely obliterate your nuptials, here’s a beginner’s guide:
- Re-vamp Your Hygiene Routine: When you first started dating (read: when you both first started humping like rabbits), you probably did a good job of making sure you smelled okay, that nothing was stuck between your teeth, and that your genitals smelled and appeared somewhat welcoming. As the marriage grows, you may find yourself skipping a bath now and again, or forgetting to brush your teeth in the morning. Now, if you really want your spouse off your back, don’t be afraid to get dirty. Literally. Step in a dog turd on your way home from work. Bonus points if you take your shoes off first. Also, quit using deodorant or soap. Really let your true smell out. Really let those fingernails grow long and resist the urge to clean underneath them. You want to become as vile as possible so your spouse wants to run the other way. Freedom is as close as a tongue coated in white fuzz.
- Pick A Fight First Thing Every Morning: Invoke your inner Mary Mary Quite Contrary and find something stupid to fight over the minute you wake up. If your wife brings you breakfast in bed, just tell her you hate breakfast in bed. Then, drive to McDonald’s and eat it in front of her and throw the wrappers on her home-cooked meal. Even better, find new things you hate about your husband and remind them of these before he’s even had a chance to open his eyes. Let him know how you really feel about his nose-picking habits. Throw the dirty underwear he left on the floor and hang it on his face and point him in the direction of the laundry room. Go down the list of every band he loves and explain how embarrassing his taste in music really is. Nobody should actually like Linkin Park. Nobody.
- Make Everything Into A Competition: Is your husband about to take a shower? Run in there before him and lock the door. Let him know if he snoozes, he loses. Is your wife about to finish a bag of chips? Snatch them from her hand and tell her you’re the fastest chip eater in the house. Learn to trash talk, too, and always remember to let your spouse know just how much better you are at making tacos or unclogging (or clogging) the toilet. If there’s a lull in the action, feel free to just run at them and put your hand in their face as you yell, “I’m awesome, bitch!” That usually does the trick.
- Become One With The Interrupting Cow: They say open communication is key to a good, long-lasting marriage. What better way to go against the grain than by interrupting your significant other at every possible opportunity? When your hubby starts talking about the meeting he had at work, quickly jump in and tell him about the meeting YOU had at work, instead. If your spouse starts venting about the conversation they had with their mother, quickly find a way to make them stop talking and then begin bitching about your own mother. Ask your old lady about her day, and then say, “Shh!” every time she tries to answer. Basically, be a total dick during every single conversation.
- Pick Up A Few “Bad Habits”: Some people get married hoping to change their partner. Others are wise enough to know who they’re really getting married to and have made amends with the fact that she snores or he needs to sleep with a night light. But you know what’ll really throw them for a loop? If you decide to just take up smoking meth one day. Really, they’ll never see it coming. Or maybe you can develop a terrible gambling problem and sell her laptop to pay for it. You can also go the gross route and start chewing your toenails in front of her or collecting your fallen pubic hair in a bag. Start using the most offensive perfume you can find and let them know how much you love it. Sometimes in order to ruin a marriage, we have to be willing to suffer just a bit.
If none of these tips help, you can always just tell your spouse you hate them. The best way to do this is by defacating on one of their favorite things (their side of the bed, their toothbrush, their car, their autographed photo of Bill Murray, etc.) Just be sure you’re ready to end it. All couples fight, get on each other’s nerves, and go through rough patches, but none ever recover from cleaning out their spouse’s shit from their copy of Amelia Bedelia Goes Camping.