Failure: Poor you, Success.
24th Sep. 2016, my birthday. I stepped into the 30th year from when I have started breathing.
Chaos in mind (With office stuffs, birth day celebrations during the P.G. days, birth day celebrations during the grad. days, sudden office work thought, birth day celebrations during the school days, home celebrations, past life, present days).
Trying hard to concentrate.
Lying straight over the bed.
Playing with the fingers and hairs of my chest.
It’s erect, hard & straight (wished to have my GF beside).
Rubbed it up and down for a couple of minutes.
I need water, I realized.
It’s black and anyhow succeeded to search out the bottle lying downwards beside my bed.
My gift to me on stepping to 30, ‘few of sips of water’, what a relief!
I groped my phone to see the time and it’s 2:54AM.
Walked slowly swimmingly between the dark to the balcony. It’s cool, wet aura of soil, trees bidding bye, it’s just me & the street light to accompany.
All of a sudden, I felt someone asked to my brain,
“It’s half gone & half left. What have I done yet?”
Same day dreams.
Same self motivational plans.
Same failure & same repetition of process on daily basis.” My brain recalled.
“Yes, it’s boring, I’m frustrated, I’m not living, I’m disappoint, I fear, I doubt, I’m trying to earn my livelihood by continuing my job, I have no option of getting physical love, I’m not at all settled with the love of my life, I envy though I pray, I sometime stare though I don’t fantasies anymore, I feel sorry, I wish & I fail daily, I was struggling, I’m struggling & I don’t have any clue what I’m doing.” My brain replied.
Half bend spine, leaned figure of mine,
eyes towards the road, wrinkle between the eye brows,
few long lung full of ex-hail & in-hail, with the thought of getting fail.
“I don’t know.” My brain replied.
[Pause. Blank. For a moment I felt like, let it sail.]
Couple of months back, my parents visited me, they were happy. I recalled.
“Be like mama.” Once my sister advised her elder son, my elder nephew. I recalled.
“I admire you for this Priyabrata Basak.” Once my GF posted on FB tagging me in a post. Post was about possessing good character explaining when you take care of the elders or your parents, it’s a good & appreciable thing. I recalled.
“You are a good friend.” Winnie Benavides, one of my FB friend from Philippines, who shared with me her beautiful, inspiring & a bold life that she is leading, couple of years ago during chat. I recalled.
“There’s a lot to learn from him.” A phrase, that I came across 3–4 times in my life from my colleagues & batch mates. I recalled.
“You are a team player, smart thinker & hard working individual, don’t worry.” Lines dedicated on me at several point of times by faculties, reporting managers & seniors. I recalled.
I know my past. I can analyze I have travelled a long path alone with the blessing of my parents. So far it’s might be slow but I’m moving. A feel of doing better from tomorrow hugged me.
Street light elucidating,
it’s started raining.
I went back to my bed.
Fell on the bed straight.
It was a hectic day, 3 vendor meetings with set MOMs, missed lunch, mails, project, and I returned late from office. Only one relief, that the next day is Sunday.
Few days back, I came across my infatuation’s profile.
I, a boy with low grades, poor in studies, always used to get involved in nasty activities, used to live a life where the
re was no tensions, no greed, no fear & no doubts of any fucking thing. To be honest today with myself, I used to smile, laugh out loud with friends, was actually living my life in those particular moments. Though I feel bad today thinking of my grades and activities I was involved in but I was happy then.
And, ‘Honey’. (My love then, because during my early twenties, when I actually started becoming sincere, I realized she was nothing but my infatuation but I was serious about her for almost 8 yrs. & the important thing is, it was completely one sided feeling.)
She got married now with her BF, happy as per the pics. uploaded by her. I’m happy for her, but a strange secretion kind of a feeling I felt for the next 5–10 mins. when I accidently came across her profile in FB via a mutual friend, my old pal Mimpu. I felt bad thinking of me at present moment, alone, living in boredom, people talk behind me against me, no friends but I am materialistically, rich & more successful than I used to be then, as I have become sincere enough.
Recently, Partha, my buddy & I met at C.P. in New Delhi as he was being transferred and was leaving New Delhi permanently.
Year: 2004. (31st Dec. 2004)
Place: Port Blair.
Sun setting down.
Me with numerous resolutions in my mind.
Since, I was not able to be focused in my studies my parents decided to relocate to Port Blair. My father postponed his promotion and my mother left all her emotions aside. It was my first new year there. I had a feeling of realization of my parent’s compromise of all their wishes for me. I feel bad still. But, that was new beginning of a life. I was though not completely changed but was putting best efforts to be good in my parent’s view. I used to laugh now with my parents, used to go to parks and beaches with them. It was the phase when I closely learned how much my parent’s love me, how much badly they want me to succeed in life, to see me independent, I was not only happy with them but it was a transitional phase in my life, I used to spent time with them, used to gossip, used to help mom in her kitchen activities.
Today when I look back to those days, I miss my parents, I miss the smell of my mother, I miss her dishes, I miss the golden words of my father in the shape of lectures. I have succeeded to make their dream come true by getting independent but the happiness inside me has lost completely. I fear not to disappoint them gain, since I belong to corporate world professionally I sometimes doubt my job security. I have become greedy of my parents happiness which depends on me and I shiver thinking if anything wrong ever happens.
Few months back I met with Biprajit, my friend, my brother. “Aren’t you in contact with Pushpita?” Biprajit asked.
I was in pre-final year of engineering, for preparation of ‘Summer Training & Project’ I moved to Kolkata and there I met with her. I was a guy who was very poor in female interaction, never had any conversation with any female much other than work. I was quite introvert in these stuffs. So I used to feel good with her, we used to talk, sometimes we visited near by places and at the last day of training this friendship kind of a relationship turned into something that I wish to erase if I could move back to past in life.
At the very beginning itself, I introduced her to my parents, and they liked her. I learned to smile, I learned to enjoy, I learned to understand, I discovered another side of myself, I admit, the moments spent were good. But, I didn’t notice or may be I ignored that I during the process of making her my better half shifted myself from my identity. Still everything was same. My parents were happy to have her in their life, they badly wanted me to get settled with her as early as possible but we were all waiting to first stabilize myself with my earning.
And, then the crisis began. I left job at that particular time as no one was happy much. I remember, the day when I resigned I told her it might be possible that every time now, until I get settled will not be same. She might have to understand me and my situation now. And, it resulted 2 & ½ yrs. relationship faded to nowhere without much knowledge how all that happened and now I had two identities of myself to deal with and before that I needed to make my career first. She got married with one of her colleague, must be very happy and I still feel good to see those people who left me are enjoying their life.
And, I moved on, crawling maybe but I moved on. During that moment I misbehaved with lot many people including Biprajit, it was my fault not to have control over my reactions, even I feel bad till today when I find some other girl with few similarities of her, as I feel like of doing something wrong seeing unwise qualities in love, my anger erupts all of a sudden. I feel bad actually thinking of my parents, they loved her like their own daughter, I failed to make their wish of getting her into our family. But, we all pray for her good still. And, today I might still be in boredom, packed and made to hide my other identity, I feel like what if she could have awaited couple of yrs. more. I’m settled now. I’m a bad son who never gave his parent’s what they needed but always had everything for him from them without even asking.
Neel, my pal, on FB asked, “Did you know about Avik?” (Avik, another great soul.)
We three, Neel, Avik & me, were great buddies while I was in engineering. We used to roam together, we used to laugh together, we used to fight together, we used to live together, we used to care for each other, we used to make fun and those were the days again. The best part was we three had something common in us and that was no drama in life as we all were bachelors and we enjoyed those particular moments.
Avik, is no more with us, he committed suicide. Neel is busy in his own life and I’m busy in my own. I miss both of them. I remember the last chat I did with Avik and I’ll never able to forget the same. He was a living spirit, friend of friends and a great soul who always wanted to do something independently, helpful buddy. I’m settled now, I’m earning but I miss those conversations, those times, those laughs, those fights, those trips and I miss my friend.
It’s me, because of what you are safely dreaming today.
It’s me, because of what you are earning your living.
It’s me, because of what those who once bullied you, take lessons from you.
It’s me, because of what you are more successful mentally by the qualities, you possess within.
It’s me, because of what your parents are happy to visit you.
It’s me, because of what your sister is able to guide her son pointing towards you.
It’s me, because of what your past feels guilty.
It’s me, because of what you know what the reality of this world is.
It’s me, because of what you can call anytime your friends and do sit & gossip.
I inculcated confidence, made him believe in him, made him to struggle, made him to walk between all the odds, pushed him.
It’s me, because of what he have his identity today.
People fear to lose you & afraid to hug me.
People doubt you & I provide support to get closer to you.
People, realizes me & accepts me and then gets you.
People stay happy with me because I teach them to struggle and the same people stay frustrated and frightened with you, as you create pressure and again they need my support to be with you.
It’s me, because of what you exist.
Poor you, Success.
“Don’t read success stories, you’ll only get a message. Read failure stories, you’ll get some ideas to get success.” By, Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam Ajad.
Failing is necessity. Realization and accepting failure is what, the most important phase you have to come across in life. Winning is easy. Today’s attitude to struggle to win is what makes you an example of tomorrow.
It’s half gone & half left,
with much wiser steps,
with all the hidden jest,
with full proper preps,
with the numerous lessons learned,
with the experiences that I have earned,
now, let I not waste…
Let me inspire the next.
By, Priyabrata Basak.