Becoming President Would Be Trump’s Second-Most Impressive Sexual Conquest

Ever wondered what exactly it is about Trump’s campaign that leaves you feeling so violated?

According to a recent interview with Trump’s campaign manager Sven Wyatt, it’s because Trump has made the conscious decision to treat his race to the White House in the same manner he would pick up a woman at a bar.

“Is there a better way to know a country, and I mean really know a country, than to have sex with it I mean be its President?” Wyatt said seriously.

Wyatt, a recent graduate of an online higher-education program which specializes in politics, dentistry, and becoming the imperial wizard of the KKK, has had literally no experience managing a campaign, but says he knows he’s doing a “bang-up job”.

“How do I know I’m doing a great job? Well, I’ve seen it done in movies,” he said.

Wyatt seemed adamant that Trump could “handle anything” because he’s been in some “pretty tight places before, if you know what I mean.”

“Listen, the man’s a gazillionaire. He’s seen so many naked girls before,” Wyatt took a minute to giggle before sobering up. “What I mean to say is, he’s seen everything. That’s what we need in a President. We need someone who can stare unblinkingly into the lust-filled violence of today’s modern politics and not be afraid to get down and dirty.”

While Trump has been criticized for being “over the top” and “an insensitive dumbass” by some, there do exist a few people who, for whatever reason, are at points in their lives where they feel as if they truly do need a rich racist to take care of them and make them feel beautiful.

“I feel the most loved when a man is willing to sit there and tell me blatant lies to my face,” said a crying 30-year-old who is “really sick of Tinder” and “thought she’d have it figured out by now.”

As both John Kasich and Ted Cruz have dropped out of the race, Trump no longer needs to use any of his moves on America, according to Wyatt.

“Listen, at this point, America is going to let anyone into her pants,” he said. “He might not earn the approval of her grandparents, but she still has needs.”

Wyatt added that the only real difference between Trump and a bad one-night stand is that when America sleeps with Trump she’ll have to share his bed for the next four years.

“Drunk decisions are the best decisions,” he said wisely. “Go with your gut.”

When asked if she’d consider voting for Trump, the crying 30-year-old stopped her sniffling and looked around the bar.

“Is there anyone else?” she asked. The bar, with once-hopeful red and blue streamers now strewn about like good men dying on a field of battle, was about to close. A “Vote Kasich!” sign teetered on the edge of the wall and dropped to the ground.

She turned, squaring her shoulders and raising her chin in the way people do when they realize how every single failure of their life has culminated into a single moment, and she bravely said yes, she supposed she would, seeing as all the good* ones were truly gone.

*less bad.