12/31

Before the year ends, I just want to write something.

It has been so long since I’ve managed to come up with something that’s definitely coming from a place that has been shut-out for some period of time? — ? when life gets in the way, you know…there are things you couldn’t do leisurely (my free time consists of sleep and binge-eating so, there.).

Central to this post is a culmination of a year worth talking about, and sure, it definitely is a roller-coaster. I’ve been blessed in most aspects, and I’ve seen myself work the hardest I’ve ever done in my whole life. Nothing can make me shut up about it this time, because I’ve seen my 4–6 hours of sleep early this year come to fruition: proud to say that 2015 has been good to me, to my family and friends.

How weird is it that in a year, everything can change? Early this year I was raving to EDM in my room while blurting-out some normal values on the side. Early this year, I was dreading my future, and I didn’t know how this would all come to a close. How could I be such a dreamer. I didn’t think I would end up in some hospital that would change how I thought about life in general. How crazy was I to think (as a student and soon-graduate) that a nine-to-five job would be enough to give me the things that I wanted…because apparently, everyone goes through a materialistic stage at least once in their life. I didn’t think about these ‘real sh*t’ problems that much, because I was preoccupied with petty things. Now, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how fast everything’s going. Help me out, but I know you couldn’t.

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I’ve managed to come up with one-too-many mistakes — meeting people, and leaving baggage where I shouldn’t. Hitting people where it hurts. Leaving, only to get lost again. No regrets, definitely, but sometimes I just couldn’t help but wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe at that certain point, but hey, there are reasons why things turn out that way.

This year, I was (seriously) ready to take a swim and sail through the currents and maybe (just maybe) meet my match, only to go back to shore because a) I’m a pussy, b) I’m not ready for any of this and c) I’ve realized that I’m not cut-out for the ‘coupling’ part just yet. I’ve ‘met’ someone this year who was like-minded — a good catch, and I just knew that sooner or later it would materialize into something great. We could be a great tag team, and it would be heaven on earth. I’m not even exaggerating, because we had so many similarities, it was crazy! Then again, as much as I liked this person, I just…couldn’t. The idea of entering a relationship came rushing in like a storm, and I thought that I had to enter the panic room and save him the trouble of (possibly) being with someone who wasn’t quite there yet. I was entering a stage in my life where I felt that I was enough on my own. I had so many dreams for myself, and I just knew deep in my heart that this wasn’t going to cut it.

Decisions, decisions.

There are a lot of things to fix, and I had to do it on my own. A lot has been left unsaid, and I have my reasons, but to summarize, I have to give myself some time. Maybe ‘til then, by gaining a bit of wisdom and experience, I’ll drop the cold feet and man-up. I’ll have to live with these passive-aggressive outbursts, which I’ll cope with by tweeting.

Our past choices define the outcomes we experience today, and I can’t say that I’m suffering exactly. There are times when I couldn’t stop thinking about how lucky I am, only to find myself in the same spot (dis)counting my blessings. I couldn’t help but overthink. The thoughts that keep me awake consist of me possibly letting the potential love of a lifetime pass me by, getting stuck in a low-paying job rut, and not living up to my fullest potential (thus, disappointing the people who are counting on me). Whatever happens to me next year, I’d have to owe up to. Whether I choose to stick to my guns and kill it, or decide to just fly away and live a simple, content life (and maybe suffer the ire of my ambitious side, dying inside every night), only time can tell.

2016, I promise to be more patient and resilient. I hope the rewards are great, and oh, 2015, that ride was wonderful. May our lives turn out for the best. xx

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