Cognitive Behavioural Therapy a.k.a. Crying At A Stranger For An Hour

It’s been a while since I’ve updated or written anything of note. This is largely a good thing; it’s a safe assumption that the more I feel the need to blog, the worse things are generally. Not blogging doesn’t mean I’m miraculously ‘mended’ or that I don’t still have days where I can’t stand to look in the mirror or I can do little more than shuffle around my house miserably, desperately seeking affection from my beleaguered cats but it does mean that those days are fewer in number at the moment.

A lot has happened in the realm of my dental health but I’m going to leave that for another post and focus instead on my recent course of NHS CBT.

For those of you outside the UK, the NHS is our National Health Service, which, put simply, means that we pay taxes that allow us access to “free” health care. (I put free in quotes because there are often enormous waiting lists for treatments and frequent hidden charges, especially where dental procedures are concerned. It’s hugely imperfect but I’m grateful for it while it lasts).

As an adult who pays her taxes that means I was encouraged/ordered to self refer for my third round of CBT by my GP earlier this year. After a fairly reasonable waiting time of around six weeks I was assigned a trainee therapist who quickly decided that I was a bit too fucked in the head (not the professional term) for her to deal with and that I’d have to go back on the waiting list to see a fully qualified head doctor (also not the professional term). As frustrating as it was initially, I respected her honesty and ultimately knew that her decision would net me better, more focused care.

After another couple of weeks I was assigned a new therapist and given a course of 10 fifty minute sessions that were to be once a week. After only one session I came away with a renewed hope, and a feeling like this person might actually be able to help me.

The thing with CBT is, the initial run of 6 thirty minute sessions, and the secondary, more intensive course of 8–10 fifty minute sessions sounds pretty meagre but can actually be incredibly beneficial. The bulk of the work will be done outside of the sessions, and comprises the toughest part of it. Explaining why you are the way you are and having it confirmed by a qualified mental health professional is one thing, taking their advice and doing your “homework” outside of the sessions is quite another.

I finished my course last week and sobbed like a baby throughout, despite having made substantial progress over the last three months. I still feel ok most days, but it feels like I’m back to being on my own again. I don’t mean that in a literal sense as I’ve got a phone full of good people that I know would do their best to distract me, hug me, or make me smile if the need arose. I mean it in the sense that my professional care is now over. Unless I choose to self refer again and go back on the waiting list to start again, this is it, and I’m not quite prepared for that. In spite of my progress I don’t feel ready to be in charge of my own life again, to not have someone to regularly check in with who goes to great lengths to check I’m functioning and not suicidal. Without that safety net, daily life is a bit scary again.

I’ve promised myself that instead of shutting everything out and not keeping the momentum from my treatment going, that I’ll use the time each week that I would have spent at an appointment, to go through the clinical intervention information my therapist gave me, and to repeat some of the exercises we did. This is my first week and I’m trying to use the time wisely but being organised and self reliant is not my strong suit so we’ll see how it all goes.

Sorry for the lack of structure, and for the previous radio silence! One thing I can say is that if you’ve ever toyed with the idea of CBT and been put off because of nerves, or found the waiting lists daunting then please reach out. Finding the right therapist is key and it may take several courses of treatment over a long time for it to really stick but do give it a go, I can wholeheartedly recommend it.