One Of Those Days

I’ve talked around the subject of depression and low self esteem quite a lot lately but something I always struggle with is how to put into words quite how it actually feels.

Obviously both depression and low self esteem are completely subjective and no two people will have identical thoughts and feelings so I can only talk from my personal experience.

Last night, sick of the Amitriptyline cotton-mouth, I stupidly skipped taking them and didn’t sleep a wink all night as a result. In the morning I was still frustratedly tossing and turning and attempting to contort myself into what might be the magical position needed to send me to sleep. I normally get up around 9am and start work straight away but today I didn't get up until 11am.

Lying in bed, my brain racing, I felt like I had butterflies in my chest and snakes in my stomach. My mouth was dry, my eyes were stinging, my heart was on fire and I felt literally paralysed. My pragmatic side was telling me to ‘get the fuck over it’ and do something productive but depression rarely responds to pragmatism so my body wouldn't move and the negative voices wouldn't quiet. (When I say ‘voices’, I don’t mean it in a literal way. All the voices are my own, it just feels like I can’t control them.) Finally forcing myself out of bed, I went to brush my teeth and one glance in the mirror resulted in the familiar chorus of “ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, UGLY”, deep inside my head. All the while the other, quieter side of me was whispering “it doesn’t matter that you’re ugly, you create beautiful things, you’re worthwhile”, to little effect.

It’s now 11.51am and I managed to stay out of bed and to stem the tears and even get some work done. I’m still having terrible days regularly but it feels like I can bounce back a little quicker, or at least ‘fake it til I make it’, and I have to believe that’s progress. The tears don’t last as long and the ‘paralysis’ seems a tiny bit easier to overcome sometimes, but I still feel like I’m made of two distinct halves that are constantly battling one another for supremacy. I’m trying really hard to put my CBT lessons into practice on a daily basis and I’m trying to focus less on the negative voices but it’s a never-ending cycle that’s physically and emotionally draining.

I’m paraphrasing, but Brene Brown says that when you feel like you’re too busy and have absolutely no time to relax then that’s when you need it the most. With that in mind, I’ve been trying to step back from work a little more, be less obsessive about my pursuits and to take stock of everything and try to count my blessings. It’s an endeavour that I feel like I’ll have to follow for the rest of my life, but it helps at times.

Onwards, one day at a time.