Job Interview with Jesus

On Sunday, November 20, 2016, Poland officially announced that Jesus Christ was King of the country.

While it is clear that Jesus Christ was always meant to take this highly decorated position, in the interest of fairness, Poland interviewed over 42 other candidates.

This is the exclusive transcript of the interview Jesus Christ had for the job, which took place in October of 2016, at an unnamed hotel conference room in Krakow. There are three official members of the Polish government in attendance; however, only one of them (an unnamed male; hereafter referred to as UM) is heard conducting the interview.

This transcript begins shortly after Jesus Christ had been seated.

UM: Thank you for sending us your CV and cover letter.

JC: No problem. Thank you for this incredible opportunity. And thanks so much for doing this interview in English. Polish is, you know, it’s, uh, a difficult language.

UM: But you know English?

JC: Yeah, I took private lessons. For opportunities. Plus I was tired of watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.

UM: Do you know any other languages?

JC: Just Aramaic. Oh, and a little German. Mostly pillow talk stuff.

UM: Uh, okay.

[Sound of papers shuffling]

UM: Can you tell us why you’re looking for a new job?

JC: Well, as you can see from my CV, I’ve pretty much had the same job for the last 2,000 years or so, and, you know, I’m looking for new challenges.

UM: I can understand that.

JC: I mean, there’s really no room for advancement where I’m at now. And I know you might think this reflects on my performance but–

UM: No way, Jesus.

JC: I just need to get out from under my boss’ shadow. Become my own man, so to speak.

UM: How did you get your previous job?

JC: This is going to sound terrible, but I got it from my dad. But in no way is it nepotism. It was more like, there was this position, and my dad gave it to me. Honestly, no one else could’ve done the job but me. You couldn’t outsource this kind of thing.

UM: So what have you been doing for the last 2,000 years then?

JC: You know, hanging around. Answering prayers. Randomly appearing on food.

UM: How do you think being King of Poland will be good for you?

JC: It’ll help people know that there’s more to me than the guy they always see on a cross. If I wore a crown and got to be king, then people might think twice before, you know, writing something mean about me on the internet. It’ll also be great for my Linkedin account. And it will certainly be good for my CV. I mean, I know it’s only a page long, but I had to use a size 34 font just to make it look, you know, full. The hard part was picking the right picture.

UM: You look a lot darker than you do in your picture.

JC: I get that a lot. I hope it won’t be a problem.

[unintelligible chatter]

UM: No, no, of course not. This is Poland after all.

JC: Great.

UM: What do you hope to do as King of Poland?

JC: Nothing too crazy, you know. I’d like to work to help the poor and hungry. And with the way the world is, I think helping displaced immigrants is extremely important, so I’d like to–

UM: That’s great! Hey, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

JC: I suppose I kind am a Christmas tree, so I’ll go with that one. Anyway, as I was saying, I’d like to also work on women’s rights and make sure the Jews–

UM: Look, Jesus, uh, we should probably tell you now, that this position is more of a symbolic kind of thing.

JC: What do you mean?

UM: You won’t actually be doing anything like that. We’d just need you to show up at certain events, bless our football teams, that sort of thing. You could even put your face on a pierogi every now and then. The government will be doing all the heavy lifting.

JC: Oh.

UM: You see, it looks like the US is about to elect an unqualified madman to run its country, and we thought it best to, you know, one-up them a bit and show everybody that you’re in our corner. Russia recently did the same thing with Steven Seagal.

JC: Well, I do like Poland. You guys did build the tallest statue of me. I know my dad was real impressed with that. He likes big things. These people in Mexico back in 2003 made the world’s largest taco. It was like 12 meters long. Man, dad would not shut up about that thing.

UM: Did you like the statue?

JC: Yeah, sure. I mean, I look kind of serious. I wish people showed me smiling every now and then. I don’t want people to think I’m a bummer. Like, no one ever invites me to karaoke.

UM: Speaking of self assessment, what is one thing you would change about yourself?

JC: I wish I couldn’t turn water into wine. Now when I meet someone, I don’t know if they’re hanging out because they like me, or if they’re waiting for me to turn their buckets full of water into wine. One guy asked me to turn his water into chocolate milk once. That was pretty cool. I made it extra chocolatey.

UM: How many lightbulbs are in this building? You’re welcome to use some paper if you need to make any calc–

JC: 2,327.

UM: Uh. I think– I think that sounds about right. Do you have any questions for us?

JC: Does this job pay?

UM: No. But it’ll be great exposure.

JC: Are there any benefits?

UM: Absolutely.

JC: …

UM: Oh, you mean for yourself? No.

JC: Can I have sermons, maybe? Or maybe like a town hall forum where I can talk to people? I’d like to get back to that.

UM: No, we have professionals who do that for you already in the form of memes and government policy. If people heard things directly from the source, it would only cause confusion.

JC: Well, the last time I caused confusion it didn’t work out so well for me, so maybe you’re right.

UM: When do you think you could start?

JC: I’d have to give my dad notice and train the new guy. So, probably next month.

UM: Well, this has been great. We have your contact information here, and I’m certain someone will be in touch with you soon.

JC: Wonderful. I’d like to once again thank you. Having never been to Poland, not knowing the language, and not even looking remotely like how you imagine a Polish person should look like, I’m really flattered that you’re considering me for this job. If you do hire me, I hope I won’t let you down. And before I go, I’d like to talk you again about my passion for minorities. For instance, the Jewish people– Hey! What happened to the lights? Is anyone here? Hello?

Christian A. Dumais is the only American writer and humorist living in Poland. His most recent book is SMASHED: THE LIFE AND TWEETS OF DRUNK HULK. Follow him on Twitter: @PuffChrissy.