What Should the New Las Vegas NHL Team Be Called?

As the common saying we are all familiar with and use all the time goes, “What’s good for hockey is good for America, because we’re really good at hockey and the more of it we can get, the better we are as both a hockey playing country and a country at large.” The timeless saying’s true once again, more hockey, great news for the old USA. From a purely statistical perspective, it’s even more unlikely now that a Canadian team will win the Stanley Cup again, because there’s now one more out of the total number of teams in the NHL that is American, not Canadian. As simple mathematical calculations based on such show, that’s good for us. Or US, rather, as in USA. And even sweeter than all of this, this new NHL team is going to be in Vegas, or Washington DC Jr. as most of us call it, because it’s the nation’s second capital. And second capitol. Actually it’s maybe number one for capital. Either way, Las Vegas is lucky to get an NHL team and we’re lucky as a country too. Except it’s not luck because luck isn’t real and in this country we make opportunities for ourselves, which people in other bullcrap parts of the world call “luck.” Remember, though, those parts of the world play soccer, so that makes a ton of sense that they’d believe in things like “luck” and “non-contact sports” and “socialism,” all abstract lies that no matter how much history has proven don’t work, young people keep trying to bring back with their Facebook statuses, petitions, and bicycles.

Now that the great news of a new NHL team in Las Vegas is official, the next step is naming the team. Only when it’s named can the team get players and coaches and a stadium and a parking lot and good hot dogs and beers and a fun mascot, so they have to pick out a good name, because it’s hockey, and hockey is good, and Las Vegas is good, and it’s all real good so they have to have a good name. Here are some potential names for the NHL (insert team name here after it’s decided from the following list):

1. The Las Vegas Good Boys. Lots of people are going to suggest that the name of the Las Vegas NHL team should be like the Gamblers or the High Rollers or the Poker Players or the Strippers or the Hangover 4 or something dumb like that just because it’s Las Vegas and those are Vegas things. Well, the smart thing to do to combat any negative perceptions of Vegas would be to do the opposite of those things and call the team the Good Boys. Just think, who could ever be mad at the Good Boys? No one with a heart*, that’s who.

*Yes, that does mean that soccer fans could still be mad at the Las Vegas NHL team.

2. The Las Vegas Bad Boys. Not to be contrarian, but the Bad Boys would also be a great team name. We’re talking hockey here, not checkers or gym rummy or nonprofits. What better way to establish a team as a dominant team than call them the Bad Boys? Probably like have the guys all wear tinted visors on their helmets even though it’s indoors and that would severely impair their visibility on the ice. Man, actually a hockey team with tinted visors would be so badass. That’s just how the Bad Boys roll!

3. The Las Vegas Alien Killers. I don’t believe in Aliens because I’m an alpha male and I don’t need to have silly ideas like that. However, if I did believe in aliens, I would for sure want to let them know that I won’t put up with their crap when they do — I mean IF they do come for us and our sweet sweet dairy products. Las Vegas is out in the desert, just like Roswell, New Mexico, the location of the popular Tony Hawk Pro Skater level. Thus, the Alien Killers would be a great choice for the name of a hockey team. Some people might get worried that that name is too harsh and potentially even offensive toward illegal immigrants, but don’t worry, guys — Washington has a football team named the Redskins and no one’s feelings have gotten hurt by that!

4. The Las Vegas Bees. Some people are super allergic to bees so that would be an intimidating mascot to them.

Also, Bees are a vital part of the plant lifecycle and deserve a little respect for once. They also make honey, and everyone loves honey.

5. The Las Vegas Stumps. Trees are mighty, but trees fall. What’s left when a tree falls? A stump. Have you ever tried to remove a stump? It’s super hard. Even if you get the right tree expert to come get your stump, it’s gonna take him a while and he’s gotta use his fancy stump machine and it’s kind of expensive. No one likes messing with stumps. Now imagine when stumps are on the ice!

6. The Las Vegas Lyndon B. Johnsons. Some people thought LBJ was a great president, and the rest think he killed JFK. Either way, people will find meaning in Lyndon B. Johnsons as a mascot. Especially the ghost of John F. Kennedy.

7. The Las Vegas Buncha Goals! If you score a buncha goals!, you’re probably going to win hockey games. Imagine how freaked out an opposing team would be if they knew that it’s in the competitor’s name that they’re going to score a buncha goals!? You’ll probably accordingly give up said buncha goals!, if not more buncha goals!. OR, reverse psychology factor, the Las Vegas Buncha Goals! are a defensive powerhouse and the other team doesn’t see it coming and still loses.

Also, can you imagine the marketing potential in a team called the Buncha Goals!? You can already see a team cereal on grocery store shelves everywhere, like the Many Goals! or something catchy and cerealy like that.

8. The Las Vegas First Degree Murderers. Murder is bad. There’s third degree murder, then there’s second degree murder, then there’s first degree murder. It’s the most murderous degree of murder, which makes it the murderest. No one would want to face the Las Vegas First Degree Murderers, because they would be afraid of getting murdered. If you’re murdered, you’re dead. It’s hard to win when you’re dead, so you probably wouldn’t want to go against the Las Vegas First Degree Murderers because they’ll make you dead.

9. The Las Vegas Third Degree Burns. Burns aren’t quite as bad as murder, unless they kill you — then they’re arguably as bad as murder. Like with murder, there’s third degree, then second degree, then there’sfirst degree burns. But first degree burns are the least bad, so you’d actually want to be called the Third Degree Burns if you’re a burn-themed hockey team, because that’s how you light up the opponents. Uh oh, looks like I just wrote the team slogan, too!

10. The Las Vegas Bulldozers. Bulldozers are so tough and so cool and everyone admires shiny handsome bulldozers. The only people who don’t like bulldozers are buildings. And hippies. But neither of those are even people so it doesn’t matter. The Bulldozers wouldn’t just be feared on the ice, they’d be respected. That’s what hockey’s all about, so perhaps the Bulldozer would be the ideal mascot in Las Vegas. That or…

11. The Las Vegas Gods. It’s hard to beat one God, let alone a team of Gods. The only team up to that challenge would be the Chicago Blackhawks, who are going to kick the crap out of whatever they call the new Las Vegas NHL team.

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