
So what is empathy, and why is it very different than sympathy? Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy, it’s very interesting.
Teresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied professions very diverse professions
– where empathy is relevant and came up with four qualities of empathy
– perspective taking, the ability to take the perspective of another person or recognise their perspective as their truth, staying out of judgement
– not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do
– recognising emotion in other people, and then communicating that.
Empathy is feeling with people. And to me, I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space when someone is kind of in a deep hole, and they shout out from the bottom and they say, I’m stuck. It’s dark. I’m overwhelmed. And then we look and we say, hey, I’m down. I know what it’s like down here, and you’re not alone.
Sympathy is, oh, it’s bad, uh-huh. No. Do you want a sandwich?
Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice. Because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.
Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with ‘at least’. I had a – yeah. And we do it all the time.
Because you know what? Someone just shared something with us that’s incredibly painful, and we’re trying to silver lining it. I don’t think that’s a verb, but I’m using it as one. We’re trying to put the silver lining around it.
So I had a miscarriage. Oh, at least you know you can get pregnant. I think my marriage is falling apart. At least you have a marriage, John’s getting kicked out of school. At least Sarah is an A student.
But one of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better. If I share something you that’s very difficult, I’d rather you say I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.
Because the truth is rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.
