Today is the 1st day…
Hmmm…where to start? I hate days like today, for they offer the excitement of something new yet the sad realization that it’s the “same” old you just “packaged” differently.
I have always been so closed off from the outside world, choosing not to share my inner most thoughts and feelings, for I knew, and know, that I’m different and in a world of so much “perfected” outer beauty, fake “veneered” smiles, fair-weathered friends, and luxury labels, I just couldn’t afford to be that superficial; nor did I want to be.
I’m the “reserve bench” gal, you know the one people remember about when they need someone (esp. when all their “cool” friends have an issue with them), when they need someone real, albeit authentic, because they need a dose of honesty, when they are desperate to be listened to and not just tolerated as a “gorg gown entity in a room filled of Chanel envy”…I could go on but I think you get the gist. Yet, and by the same token, when they’re on a roll and “lady luck” sees all those who betrayed them, “love” them again, then they are capable of ignoring you for weeks at a time, never even bothering to reply to an sms. And I wait there, observing this bizarre ritual, and seemingly amused by the idiocy of this blatant charade, I never care to move completely away. As I write this, I wonder why. I think it’s partly due to the numbness I already feel — which sounds like an oxymoron i.e. to feel something you don’t, but in all honesty, I don’t care anymore. I’ve “evolved” to the point where I take things as they come and refuse to allow the cruelness to leave its dirty imprint on my soul. Sure, it hurts, but it doesn’t paralyze — not anymore.
What is “soul crushing” at the moment is the realization that I am not destined to achieve my full potential. And by saying this, I’m not here to rant about wanting to be a supermodel whilst being 5'2, I mean, they have yet to discover a way to make you taller, and even if they did, I’d be less than interested. I have always said that people are divided into “show ponies” and “work horses”, and I have always been the “work horse” — actually, lately I’ve been praying that I don’t end up like the horse in Dostoyevsky’s “Crime & Punishment”, yet even if I did, it would hardly surprise me (people are the scariest monsters I’ve ever seen). This damning state of being sees me covered in rejection letters from the best of the best, to where I’m wondering if I’m not a Couture House of Failure or just a pin the “loser” letter on the moron? And what did I do to achieve such irrelevance? I managed to attain 4 university degrees and work around the clock just to be viewed as “worthy” of the chance to do something more. Oh, and I also did volunteer work in my free time, because I wanted to make a difference. I sacrificed my happiness, the chance to start a family, because I wanted to escape my average existence. I think that Kelly Cutrone said it best “normal gets you nowhere”, yet the truth is, very few people are exceptional and the rest of us are predisposed to fight long and hard to be granted the opportunity to do what we love.
So, now we get to the why and how this lil post/blog endeavor came into being. I had applied for a job with a record company, and they seemed to “like” my CV, so I was asked to record the answer to a specific question and send it within a few days. I am the least photogenic person on the planet; not to trigger anyone but I have the perfect face for radio (which is one dream that I managed to fulfill — even if it was only for a few years), so this mortified me but I took the plunge anyway. I have never gotten a job based on my looks, so it’s safe to say that people/those who hired me, had to appreciate my talents/work ethic or else they’d be constantly chanting “who let the dogs out” in their minds when gazing upon moi…please save me the “everyone is beautiful” speech — because no we’re not and adjectives were created for a reason, but having said that, everyone has a purpose and just because an individual doesn’t fit the paradigm of “desirable” doesn’t mean that they can’t be a valued asset within a company/the world. So me and my awkwardness recorded the “nail in the coffin” reply and it didn’t take very long before a PC reply came trickling down, like the sewage the city releases into the ocean, that thanks but you’re just not qualified.
A ton of bricks just fell on me, right then and there, as did the realization, that this is a battle I can’t hope to win, because no amount of university courses will grant me the “hands on” experience I need to get the career that I have longed for since I was five years old. And I can’t get that chance when I’m too old to intern and not pretty enough to be considered with what I have. I can’t hope to move even a cm forward when it’s taken me this long to build a “mediocre” music business foundation, with absolutely no contacts on the inside — anyone I now know/worked for, I worked hard to get to know and it wasn’t easy. I will say that my radio show helped me to make something out of my love/devotion to music and I did it all on a “dental floss budget” — I worked a whole year for free before I saw a dime. It was a magical time but I can’t afford to keep giving 150% for free when there are bills to pay and family to take care of.
So, here I am…I had a long hard cry last night and crowned myself “Queen of the Pity Party” and then I got up, went to work and after earning my keep, I decided that I was going to promote/discuss/interpret/etc my likes, music and otherwise, on here…I may be too old and ugly to work for a record label, but at least the internet doesn’t discriminate and everyone is granted a voice here.
So, I’ve unmuted my voice and have come here to bare my soul and prove that just because it’s a dream, doesn’t mean you have to be asleep to believe it — George Carlin’s take was different but I’m flippin’ it ’cause I need to believe that even at my age, I have earned the right to be valued because I have paid my dues and that’s something to celebrate and not run away/hide from.