QFWFQ THEATRE PRESENTS: “THE HORRORS OF THE FUTURE”

Gather round younglings and listen to tales, as old as time itself… but from the future! Tales of such things you could not possibly imagine, because they do not exist yet! Fear the familiarity as you are shown wonder upon wonder that still feel rather close to home as if to comment poignantly upon your very lives! Stare deep into the fire and listen as the hawk calls to the wolf — the stars are humming, younglings…. the earth aches for….

Story 1: Smart-Pants

“OY, my tuchus!” Old Qfwfq exclaimed. “That was a long bussride” he said to mostly no one. Qfwfq was the only one to get off, and the street was empty except for the pines. Bent-double, hand on his spine like a tea-pot, Old Qfwfq reached into his pocket and pulled out a small pane of glass. He stared at it carefully, sizing it up — he couldn’t see too well anymore. But there was no issue. A voice called from the glass — Home, I take it? — and before Qfwfq had a chance to argue, the sidewalk illuminated beneath his tired feet, and began to gently roll him towards his house.

Old Qfwfq sighed happily; the trees were glistening with fresh rain that night in Portland, Ore. The city had every amenity possible for someone as old as he — after all, it was the best retirement village in the whole Nation of The Pacific, and had been for the last 50 years! Old Qfwfq relaxed even more upon the moving sidewalk. His back pain began to yeild, and he straightened up slightly. The sidewalk turned 90 degrees, and with the sudden snap of force, Qfwfq’s spine relinquished the last bit of stiffness held in his joints. All at once, Old Qfwfq felt better, younger. Something clicked. His spine adjusted, his bowels moved. He felt… relieved. “Oy vey…” he moaned, “I gotta get home quick”.

Qfwfq shook the pane of glass in front of his face. “Wake up you!” To which a voice called from the glass — Your SMARTPants are informing me that you are in need of assistance. Do you wish to go? — “Yes! You infernal thing, I need to go badly! Get me home!” The pants constricted around his waist; the cuffs around his ankles as well. “No you ridiculous machine, I need to go ho-!” But before he could get it out, the SMARTPants, the future of geriatric wearables, had done their job. Connecting to Old Qfwfq’s internal life-support functions, the Pants ordered his anus release. And Soon, Old Qfwfq was literally up to his ankles in his own feces.

Shame faced and angry, Old Qfwfq rolled along to his front door. Old Qfwfq slid his key into the lock and stepped inside. Now if only I could make it to the bath — I sense you are home, let me take care of that for you — The pants loosened around his ankles, and his feces poured all over the front entry of his house.

THE END.

What? You didn’t like that story? Did the fire not burn bright enough for you — could you not see the horrors that are waiting for you — ONLY FOR YOU — in the horrible, terrible future? If not, then how about you try this on for size…

get it.. because of the pants in the last story… ok fin..

Then strap yourself in for….

Story 2: The Price of Knowledge

Little Qfwfq could barely contain her excitement. She was 13, and because she had been really good that whole year, her mom agreed to get her a iFlick — the coolest new phone/tablet/computer/personal assistants. No one at her school had one, and little Qfwfq was going to be the first. The only issue, was that she had to go to the Fapple Store to get it.

The Short-Skirt Mall in Short Skirt, New Jersey was usually an exciting destination for little Qfwfq — it was a place she could play with all the new gadgets — instead of just looking at them on her bedroom wallviewer. But this time, she felt strange about it. Since the Fapple store had moved in, the mall felt kind odd, like there was this high-pitched whistle that rang at irregular intervals, and only the kids could notice it. It made going to the mall uncomfortable, and now none of her friends wanted to go — but since her mom couldn’t hear, she forced little Qfwfq to go along.

The Fapple store was bright and white, and everything fit neatly into everything else. They walked up to the counter, and little Qfwfq tuned out as her mother began discussing the terms of the contract with a bearded man, a milky fat employee, both engrossed in their own outcomes. Qfwfq wandered away.

She began looking at the the iFlicks, the iPulls, and the gigantic iToss. But was pulled away by a silky hissing in her ear. Little Qfwfq turned and saw a pimpled man, with slender fingers and a long tongue standing behind her. She gasped, but the man stepped back. “I didn’t mean to freighten you, little girl, I jussssst thought you might be interesssssted in ssssomething a little more excssssiting. What are you getting today?” “My mom is buying me an iFlick — my first” replied a visibly uncomfortable little Qfwfq. The pimpled man was much taller, and just wide enough to block the view of her mother. “Why don’t I sssssshow you ssssssomething better in my back room?” The tall man’s voice was dark and wormed its way into her ear. He put her arm around her and ushered her away behind her mothers back… Little Qfwfq didn’t know what was going on… one moment she was touching the gadgets and the next she’s in a back room with a strange man. Qfwfq knew what as coming, oh god what she had to scream, to get away from the-

Suddenly, the pimpled man was wearing a brightly colored, flashing LED suit. A banner unfurled behind him. His face had changed — he was reptilian!

“Welcome, welcome, welcome m’dearto mytravellingshow! YessireeIgotcha something realinteresting little lady, why not just look right here, yes ma’am why doncha justlook righere atwhatI havefor you!” The man spoke faster than any she had ever heard — in his scaly hand he held out an iFlick. “This technogadgetizzmoid is theFuture Itellyou, TheFuture! I gotsomething thatis totally, completely, outtathiswooorld foryou littlemisss.” He tossed the iFlick to little Qfwfq — who caught it barely. “Donchubedroppingthat littlelady thatrightherecontains allknownknowledge inthegoshdarnuniverse! Past present andfuture allatyour fingertips. Takethatonebackand giveitawhirl, kiddo!” and with a flash and a bang, little Qfwfq was standing next to her mother again, still arguing with the milkfat man. In Qfwfq’s hands was the iFlick the reptile man gave her.

“This one, mom!” little Qfwfq exclaimed. And they bought it and left. Little Qfwfw lived happily forever with all the knowledge of everything at her fingertips. Little Qfwfq’s mother however… got hit with the bill! For like, $80,000 dollars because that much data would just destroy their current plan…..

How was that one, sweet younglings? Did you feel the fear yet? Did you see how eerily familiar it all was? oooooOOooooo SPoooooOOOoooky. Now goodnight, younglings, and try to dream. The wolf is still hungry, but the earth has been satiated tonight. Sleep….Sleeep….Sleeeeeeeep… HORRORS! HORRORS OF THE FUTURE! sleeeeeeeeep.

thank you for joining us for QFWFQ Theatre. Come back next time for more…. HORRORS OF THE FUTURE.