QFWFQ’s GUIDE TO SLEEPING IN NEW YORK
Sometimes, you are overtaken by a dark man on an alleyway. He throws a bag over your head, knocks you down and then drags you away where he has his way with you. This is known as sleep. It is very normal for people between the ages of 0 and 125. People younger than 0 actually make other people around them sleep more and people older than 125 never have to sleep again, ever.
But when Mr. Sleep comes riding over the hill on his eternal steed, Thotos, its hooves collapsing dimensions with each footfall, you’re going to want to be somewhere comfortable. You can’t stop Sleep, so you might as well accept it in comfort.
And sometimes Sleep comes to you while you’re in New York between the years 1624 and 2365, 2425 and 3888, or 5400 and 6665. If it so happens that you are in New York during one of these time periods, I have compiled a list of places you could curl up for a good 45 years and accept the onset of a warmdeath.
- In the nest of one of the many pigeons inhabiting/ working in the city.
- Inside a funny hat — perhaps it is Jewish shaped, or Megaman shaped.
- In the Museum of Natural History’s Ancient Fern Exhibit.
- Inside the mouth of one of the many Polar Bears nesting throughout the city.
- In the arms of a friendly Yeti.
- On your friend’s couch.
- On your friend.
- On your friend’s floor.
- Taped to the ceiling of the Russian Tea Room.
- Inside one of the many Pizza Ovens silently ruling over the city.
- Wedged between the pleather deep in the back of a Taxi — very warm.
- On a floor inside a subway covered in filth.
- On the tip of the point of the Empire State Building.
- Whatever you do don’t sleep in the WTC Plaza — the bathroom attendants are very rude!
- In New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, or literally anywhere else.
- Inside a Dumpling.
- Inside an egg, inside a goat, inside a box, inside another box, swallowed by a Titan, embedded in Yggdrasil.
- Wedged between Jay-Z and Beyonce (not the 21st century version, the 42nd century versions made mostly of fire).
- In the pocket of that pretty girl walking down Bedford Ave.
- A nest of beards collected from the gutters of Williamsburg.
- Under Giants Stadium.
- In the cabin of a toy boat sailing on the surface of the Central Park Lake belonging to a child playing on a sunny day.
- Off Broadway. On Broadway. Through Broadway. Sprinkled Lightly over Broadway.
- In your friend’s luscious hair.
- Between some great buns.