It’s about 20 to eight on a Sunday morning and I’m loading and unloading the dishwasher, you do it your way — I’ll do it mine. My wife left the house about 10 minutes prior to pick up our kid from the airport. Without thinking I turn on the radio. Vile shite pours from the speakers of the under cabinet radio we have in the kitchen. “GAH”, I exclaim and quickly turn off the radio. The radio, well all of our radios, are tuned to a public radio station, WNKU. But prior to 0900… oh fuck no. Spare the rock, spoil the child. Go ahead… look it up, I can wait … or just trust me on this. It’s the aborted child of “School of Rock”(The movie), School of Rock(The franchise), and Kids Bop 19. Fuck me. I want to take a minute, and apologize for that. It’s GenXs fault. We came up with the idea, and I …. Wait, I’m probably getting ahead of myself. I need to turn back the clock to an actual lifetime ago…

It’s 2004, I’ve been a dad for a number of years — I have this six year old parent shit nailed I figure, as does my wife. Our kid… yeah, they’re in the same boat. I’m talking about the age when opinions develop. Stuff like: I like This puppet, I like That cartoon, I want My Favorite lunch. But it’s at that magic age where the opinions of the parents and the opinions of the kids sometimes align… “We don’t play in the mud, it ruins our shoes.”. That age when you’re not 100% sure if it’s the kid’s own opinion forming or something their parents taught them. Whatever, I’m just trying to paint a scene here folks, Hemingway I’m not. We were, I honestly don’t remember, a daycare maybe during “meat and greet” (I spelled that meat properly, I assure you.) Although it could have just as easily been in some strip mall in Silicon Valley at a cast iron cafe table on the sidewalk between a Jamba Juice, a Noah’s Bagels, and a Starbucks at a ‘mandatory’ new-ish parent social gathering. The kind where my wife tries to talk me into it all week long by bringing up some other husband’s hobby. I’d have my own conversation going in my head the whole time, [I don’t care if he’s a blacksmith in his spare time Abby. 99% of humanity are boring flaming gits and this guy… odds are… is a flaming fucking git, who’s boring. You’re trying to talk me into hanging out with some flaming git who happens to own an anvil. Fuck, I need to buy an Anvil.]. That was an actual thought process. And in answer to your unanswered questions… Yeah, I really do make purchasing decisions that way and no I didn’t go to that specific gathering. In all fairness the dude I’m talking about … really is a nice guy, my wife says so; I’ve just never met him. I don’t actually hate humanity, I hate humanity that are unknown to me; so meeting people (unless they are actively doing something I find interesting) is my second least favorite thing to do. Meeting people (unless they’re actively doing something I find interesting) in a crowded place holds the top spot. So yeah, I can do it, however I’d be lying if I were to say I wasn’t an introvert and that’s even being generous.

HOLY FUCK I WENT OFF TARGET THERE… Anyhoo … kids bop.. that’s where I was going.

Yeah, young parents, meat and greet, yeah…. So some wee human, wee humans are alright — they don’t have all the jadedness and hangups of adults, stomps up to me and exuberantly tells me “The Beatles are the greatest band ever.” [OH FUCK, HERE WE GO — another one of “these”. This poor fucker likes the Beatles because that’s all they know. It’s 2004 kid, have you ever listened to DMX, or Willie Nelson, or Fats Waller, or The Wolf, or Def Leppard? You would love Rammstein or GWAR, I can just tell from the way you stomp. There has been a lot of fucking music that’s been made since the Beatles were actually relevant are you SURE they’re the best? I mean you’re like six right? You’ve fucking seen Shrek… kids are APESHIT for Smash Mouth right now, you really like the Beatles more then the music from that movie with the green fucker in it?] “Really? What’s your favorite song?”, The words fall out of my mouth, because this is a kid… it CAN’T be their fault. “Penny Lane!” the kid exclaims, and then stomps over to their parents. (That kid is a GWAR fan… really.) Their parents are a superficially put together couple. She shops at one of those women type business stores, her shoes and bag are cheap — the pitch of her voice causes me physical pain — why must she talk so loud? He is wearing shit his wife picked out for him out of a catalog, white socks and either slippers or running shoes that have never been run in; his eyes are empty and vacant — the only thing I have in common with this guy is breathing. They’re discussing, with my wife, some fucking gross casserole. They just ADORED — AND IT WAS SO EASY! They look miserable. They’re also 20 years older then my wife and I (and we bred in our late 20s) … OF COURSE — I get it now. I’m not blaming the Beatles on an entire generation… but I’m blaming the Beatles on an entire generation. There is no fucking way that there is anything in Beatles’ lyrics that aligns with the trials and tribulations in that six year old’s life. Smash Mouth? Yep. Hanson? Absolutely. DMX? Probably not but it’s fun for me to wonder if a 6 year old ever thinks a DMX lyric. I remember my classmates parents brainwashing them into loving the Beatles. The music in the 80s wasn’t in my favorite, but you know what? The shit those goofballs with the outlandish hair were singing about were the kinds of shit that happened to me, and my friends… daily. The Beatles were their generational music, this kid hasn’t heard their music yet. I always feel bad for kids who love their parent’s music above their own.

“Now you’ve fucking lost us.”, you say.

“Only because I’m a poor storyteller.”, I say. Where were we?

Oh yeah, kids bop. If it wasn’t playing within earshot by some human spawn it was for sale in the “smart kid toy store” that was always next to the Jamba Juice, the Noah’s Bagels, and the Starbucks in the same cookie cutter strip mall that paved the entirety of the bay area from Gilroy to the Golden Gate. So a generation of kids grew up listening to regurgitated pop covering the history of pop. It seemed every household with kids had at least one in a car and another in the house. How many kids bop albums have there been? Thirty two of those motherfuckers(I just looked it up), and It’s Gen X’s fault. I’m sorry for the lot of us. If there are parents who bought their kids a kids bob album… fuck you. Because of kids bop. We now have a thing that besmirches the airwaves my most favoritest radio station called “Spare the Rock Spoil the Child” because …. apparently there hasn’t been enough fucking kids bop yet. YES THERE HAS… I can prove it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76YDbbVBj0k

I’m sorry on behalf of all GenX members of the U.S.A. Our previous generations just forced the Beatles on us, maybe Perry Como, maybe Sam Cooke, Sinatra. My generation makes the whole world know that there is a Grammy featured artist that made a popular song in called, non ironically, ‘Monster Truck’ that was featured on the worst radio show ever.

Dear WNKU,

Celtic Morning was bad enough. This Spare the Rock spoil the Child shit? Why? Is your listener ship up in that time slot? I really am curious to know. If it is — I’m clearly not jaded enough about other people’s tastes in music. Because that shit is actually uncool. Yeah, if it was all Doctor Demento-y that would be one thing but that’s not how this shit is being presented. Those people are all serious about their music. Aside from that, you guys are doing a bang up job but I really wish you would stop playing that cover of Touch of Grey.

-Chad

In other news… there is always new music. If folks “can’t find” new music than either 1) You don’t want new music, you want to be 16 and hear “Panama” for the first time again or 2) You’re not looking. Use the internet. Listen to wnku online at www.wnku.org, browse around spotify, or itunes, or youtube. It’s out there, it’s not too terribly hard to find.

When Chad’s not being angry about radio shows you can find out what exploits he’s up to (currently bringing an actual device to market) by following him on facebook as questionableorigin or instagram under the same user name or check out the Questioable Origin website at www.questionableorigin.com.