New Guy in the city

Ginseng Coffee
Aug 8, 2017 · 3 min read

I am the God of stereotyping.

I have my biases.

I can take flak responses, if at all!

Disclaimer done! Now let’s get on to the main story!

So, here’s a guy. Almost hitting 30. Moved from a distant distant land from another corner of the country, all the way to Gurugram looking for something which I am yet to figure. What am I searching? Well! I don’t even know.

Reasonably well-settled in career. Artistically inclined. Not much of a narcissist. Lots of the typical south Indian humility. Zero sense of fashion. Zero sense of that typical “I care about my body.” The opposite of gym rat. Love cooking my own food. On an essentialist spree that has led me to just having 5 shirts which I rotate & wear to work. 1 black shoe. 1 sandal. But, as gay men would have it, I live in a 3 BHK with almost no furniture.

A beautiful roadside-purchased Buddha & Ganesha adorn my hall.

I love my kitchen which is the only opulent part of my apartment. Thanks to the love for fat, food & flab!

Oh! Did I mention a room full of books?

Almost no friends in this city.

So, why did I make this choice?

I believe, we are all capable of doing a lot, lot more that what we are actually doing. No! This is not coming from some TED talk or motivational speaker who I ended up sleeping with. This is a genuine realisation that hit me a couple of years back and that transformed my life, my perspective, my outlook and paved way for a lot of inner happiness.

That change in me happened when I lived by myself in my beloved Bangalore.

I started off very late in my music training. Yet, I could work my way up in the ladder in just a year by sheer thought & meticulous execution of some plans that I can make only when I am alone.

A completely new interest opened up in that 1 year when I lived alone. Today, I am doing really well on that front as well.

The potential you’d see in yourself when you’re left alone is stunning. You could be in disbelief even after a lot of such amazing things are still happening to you.

YET! Don’t you ever feel lonely?

Don’t you ever screw-up?

Well! A LOOTTT of times!

When you end up doing so many things reasonably better than most people can do, you tend to put yourself in a plane that doesn’t even think about acceptance.

Who wouldn’t want to be in the company of someone so awesome & is adored so much about for their body of work and is apparently called an over-achiever of sorts?

No! It doesn’t work that way.

Now that the brag-ish portion of the post is over, let me get to the dark side.

Like most other people, I am a bit of a mess in the head. Not in a psychotic way or something but an emotional mess. I would like to think I am a detached soul. But, as I almost hit 30, I realise there are emotional needs.

In 16 years of active gay life, I have not been in one single relationship ever!

Have a few gay friends & the usual come-in, go-out category exists too.

Nevertheless, never found a man who would fall in love with me.

I have found men who I have fallen in love with. Before it even gets to the part where they’d even see that, they happily volunteer to walk out of my life. And I don’t even know why. I don’t believe in emotional drama, sweet talking, being on the phone for long hours or whatever. I know for a fact that I am bloody good in bed and keep my man happy on that front. Yet, I think I am not “interesting enough” for a man to be hooked to me for a little while — say a week — to keep it bare minimum.

Where am I going wrong? Is there even a mistake? Why does this vicious circle of loneliness continue? Is that a sign from the universe that may be I should take one more interest & start achieving things in it? Am I a misfit in this scheme of things?

So many questions! SO MANY QUESTIONS!

I hope against hope that I meet someone who’d fill that missing piece & add beauty to my otherwise I-cannot-complain life.

Ginseng Coffee

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