The Sprouts Hustle

How To Shop For Groceries Like A Normal Person

I’m not gonna pretend I’ve never stolen anything in my life, because I stole some baseball cards once. My Dad whipped my ass, and I haven’t done it since. But everyone’s gotta shop for groceries, so I’m gonna catalog some thoughts on that and hope it’s helpful to my homies. Ya’ll gotta eat right?

People think I’ve got it made living in Palo Alto, but the truth is our nearest shopping area actually has a Whole Foods, Safeway and Sprouts all within spittin’ distance of each other. I also like going to Mi Pueblo for some stuff, but that’s a whole ‘nother post! After we got rejected by Y Combinator, our groceries bill was still around $50 a week. Don’t forget about Walmart bro!

Yo, for real though, I might be paying the highest rent in the f’ing country, but I grew up in NYC — taking beatdowns in Brooklyn and getting jumped on Jamaica Avenue! I’m an OG when it comes to eating (and beatings). These tips will help you survive when you’re on that “We only closed half our round and it’s almost December” 10-lb rice bag meal plan. Ain’t nobody got money for ramen!

Brussels Sprouts

You can’t go to Sprouts and not pick up some of these. Everyone’s trying to get more cabbage (Brassica oleracea)! You can buy the regular organic ones for $2/lb, but they go quick and I only saw grubby ones by Sunday. They have pre-seasoned ones already cut in half for $3.99lb which looked fresher. But I talked to the Sprouts guy doing the veggies (more on this below) and he told me about the tender baby brussels by the bag. Thanks homie! I grabbed a big bag for $3, and they’re super easy to prepare. Wash, cut, Salt-n-Pepa and enjoy!

Fresh fruit

Everyone should be eating fresh fruit, and if you look for the ones on sale you could save a lot. You also get what I like to call the “Circular Variety” — you try out a lot of different fruit based on what’s in the circular that week! I gotta get the mango for the little lady, even though it’s $1. The blackberries are also on sale and you know what they say: the blacker the berry, the more antioxidants it has! Saving money never tasted so good.

Half a loaf

See that delicious lemon pound cake in the middle? $2.50! If you go to Starbucks and buy it by the slice, it’s like $3. I got nearly four slices worth for less! Get a serrated blade knife though, you don’t want to be that homie who leaves crumbs all over the cutting board. Oh yeah, I only buy a half loaf because it’s easy to overdo it when slicing pound cake. You think no one will notice that extra thick cut, but your fat ass will rat you out. I do recommend the whole loaf of whole wheat, because making sandwiches at home is also cheaper than Subway.

Savings by the pound

The two bags of bulk bin items aren’t just good for the environment (less waste, packaging, shipping, etc.) but they’re good for your wallet too. I look for the weekly sale items, just like when shopping for fruit. The trail mix was only $2.99/lb and it’s got M&M’s in it! M&M’s are like $15/lb at the candy store. Don’t be a fool, get your candy mixed with the trail nuts homie. I also got some butter toffee peanuts ($1.99/lb on sale!) because it reminds me of Chinatown. I’m gonna try microwaving some to get that nostalgia feels. Warm nuts, in yo mouth homie! Don’t forget to write down the correct bin code and make sure it’s legible. A true homie has impeccable handwriting!

Smile while you shop

Remember when I said the veggie guy told me about the baby brussels sprouts? You don’t get that kinda service by being a jerk. I like to smile at everyone in the store because it makes them feel better, but the deepest secret that I’ll share with you homies is this: It actually makes ME feel better! Mind-blown right? It’s such a great shop-lifting experience!

I also bring re-useable fabric bags because I’m not a monster. I smile at the cashier and she hooks me up with that 5 cent discount! What up Marlene! Good looking out! I always try to pack the bag myself, but she’s so quick, when I had to swipe my card (where’s Apple Pay?!), I looked up and she was already done! Smiling works homie. TRUST!

False Whole Foods / Sprouts Dichotomy

Whole Foods is more expensive than Sprouts. If you ever get anything from the Whole Foods, you’re probably rich. Good for you, I’m happy for you! Just get your groceries wherever you like dogg!

CONCLUSION: I didn’t state the most important rule, which is you should never go shopping when you’re hungry! What you buy while you are shopping: that is your next meal. What you bought that’s not on your shopping list is just junk food. Makes sense, no?

I call it “The Don’t Be a Douchebag Diet.”