What We Have Is a Failure to Communicate
This is the sixth post in a 31-day series, intended to one day be included in a book, Letters to My Son. These are letters to my 27-year-old son, Eric, whom I placed with his other family through the Spence-Chapin Adoption Agency immediately following his birth in 1995.
6 August 2022
Dear Eric –
There were some glaring differences between Corina and me — especially in the way we perceived the world. Also in our experience of our parents. When we compared notes as adults, we were certain we’d grown up in different houses, even though there was only a 2-year difference between us. I’m sure you and Jill probably also had very different experiences with your parents. But Corina was a lot more sensitive than I tend to be. Her feelings were easily hurt, and she held onto things for a long time. It might be one of my personality traits that I don’t hold grudges, but I’ve always given your birthfather a great deal of credit for helping me develop patience and forgiveness. I’m guessing if I’d been a grudge-holder, I wouldn’t have stuck it out with him for nearly as long as I did.
Corina was also a rule follower and held herself — and everyone in her orbit — to such a high standard that almost no one could meet it, which quite often left her very disappointed in people. I always thought she was a lot prettier than I, and as a “tween,” I used to worry she might eventually steal my boyfriends. Come to find out as teens we had such different taste in guys, that would never be an issue. There are many other differences, but you get the idea.
I cannot believe this is dawning on me for the first time, but it just occurred to me that you are an only bio child, so you have no one to compare to personality traits with. I’m sure you’ve thought about it before — just not sure how I missed that glaring detail. I wonder what that must feel like — whether it’s caused you any sorrow or anger. I am glad you had Jill as a sister and so pleased that you seem to get along well now. I don’t know that you ever didn’t get along, just because of the big age difference. But I am happy you’ve had a sibling. I’ve never officially researched this, but always thought there was greater rivalry between same-sex siblings because they are in competition for the same things: clothes, toys, friends, and the same kind of attention from their parents. Anecdotally, that seems to have been borne out as true from parents I know who’ve raised both same-sex and opposite-sex children. The point being that besides your age difference with Jill, you were opposite sexes, so there was probably less competition than there might have been had she been a boy or you a girl.
I tend to think of Cori’s easily hurt feelings when it’s been some time since I’ve heard from you. I won’t lie: I get a bit miffed when I send a card or gift and all I hear is crickets. Or when I call for the holidays and don’t get any response from you. You have, however, called me on my birthday the last 4 years in a row. Please know that those calls go a long way toward making up for other gaps in our communication. When, however, it’s been a while or I don’t receive a return call at the holidays, it always occurs to me that I’m really glad I’m not Corina, because she would be so hurt she might go into a severe depression.
I, on the other hand, actually understand and don’t get too bothered by it because you always come around when you’re ready. The thing is, you come from two people with habits of avoiding communication in certain situations. I’m thinking specifically of the time I was getting ready to leave Tucson and move to the NYC area. Tony was staying behind — I don’t think it even occurred to him to come with me. My first few months out there were miserable — and one of the nicest things he ever did was tell me he’d pay for me to come back to Tucson if I changed my mind — no questions asked, no “I told you so.”
But I was determined not to quit, so I made it work in spite of missing him and my old life desperately. I tell ya, I can relate to that Sinatra song! Within about nine months, though, Tony’s parents decided to relocate from Tucson to San Antonio. So he had 4 choices: (1) go with his folks to San Antonio, (2) move to Las Vegas where his best friend was living, (3) stay in Tucson on his own, or (4) follow me to the Tri-State Area.
He did ultimately decide to follow me to New Jersey, and we started making plans for the things we’d do when he got there.
Then the phone calls started coming. I heard from a handful of old work friends, people who knew both of us, and they all said different things:
“Tony’s telling people he’s moving to San Antonio with his parents.”
“Tony says he’s moving to Las Vegas with Mike.”
“Tony said he’s staying in Tucson.”
No one said he was even mentioning moving to New Jersey with me. I’m not sure how I didn’t doubt him, but I never wavered in my faith that in spite of what he’d told everyone, he was really coming. And come he did. He drove straight through from Tucson to Jersey City in 36 hours! I honestly don’t know if he followed me because he loved me, or the East Coast just seemed the best of his choices.
I also don’t know why he didn’t tell people his actual plans — but I eventually understood the deception. Sometimes it’s just better, smarter, makes more sense not to reveal everything to everyone.
And in spite of being a professional communicator, I’ve had my own bouts with disappearing, being unavailable, and not returning phone calls. I’d like to think I’m over that now — or at least I’m much better about it than I used to be. But I disappointed a lot of people for a while because I was so hard to reach. So Tony and I each had our turns with failing to communicate. Which means I’m not surprised or too terribly upset when you go through similar phases.
Like I mentioned the last time we talked, as much as I promised I would never deny your existence — and I make every effort to acknowledge you when it makes sense to do so — there are times when people ask if I have children that I say no, because saying yes is just going to lead down a road of explanations I don’t want to go into for one reason or another. People asking out of habit or unhealthy curiosity come to mind. You said you understood and agreed — so maybe you’ve found yourself in a similar situation once or twice. I guess that might be a similar form of hiding or deliberate miscommunication.
Just so you know, it is a joy to talk with you and spend time with you, something I’m hoping we can do more of once Mickey and I get ourselves to North Carolina!
I love you, kiddo.
#blogyourownbook #byob2022
_____________
Laura Orsini is an author, speaker, consultant, publisher, and creator of Fairy Positive, an antidote to the worries of the world. Find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
