A Millennial on Momming and Dadding

R. A. Ingram
Jul 10, 2017 · 5 min read

I’ve found that “dadding” has become less about the actual act of parenting from moment to moment (e.g. changing diapers, making bottles/baby food, etc.) as much as it is about making decisions that make more room for me to be a papa.

My wife and I had our first child last October, and being a dad is great. It is challenging and tiring, and all of the other stuff that parents talk about when they are telling you about their personal experiences, but it is super fun.

I wouldn’t describe it as rewarding because that would make parenting about me, and as a parent, I have quickly realized it is not about me, but it isn’t all about Daniel either (Daniel is my son).

I don’t know if this is a millennial parenting thing or a general parenting thing, but there seems to be this belief that parenting is all about the baby. I hate to sound judgy but when I hear people describe parenting as “all about <insert baby name>” it comes off as them trying to prove that they’ve reached some transcendent state of altruism. That their humility and efforts in service to <insert baby name> make them superior human beings. That is not to say that raising a child doesn’t require people to make significant changes in the way they do things and their character, that is inherent in any major life change, but to claim that EVERY aspect of who you are is now oriented in the service of your kid is a bit much.

Statements like “Gosh, ever since <insert baby name> came along it has become all about her/him!” or “<Insert baby name> runs this house.” or “We are all on <insert baby name>’s schedule these days.” are the conversation starters for parents who ascribe to this belief that parenting is all about <insert baby name>. If you are one of those parents, if you know one of those parents, if you plan on having a kid and believe that this is the only way to approach parenting, please read on!

People often fail to realize that language has such an enormous impact on belief…

In no way do I wish to disparage the people who describe parenting in this way, in fact, I engage in conversations that start this way all the time! However, my goal is to influence the current lexicon about parenting in such a way that we can describe it with pragmatism rather than hyperbole. People often fail to realize that language has such an enormous impact on belief; if we continue to talk about something in a certain way then we start to believe that what we are saying is the truth even when there is sufficient evidence to the contrary.

Parenting is challenging, draining, scary, confusing, and time-consuming but with any challenge, humans have adapted ways to approach it with flexibility and ingenuity. Daniel was unplanned, so when we realized that we were going to have a baby, we had to prepare for him quickly. The external preparation was the easy part, we got the apartment, planned the shower, read all the right books and blogs, and got rid of a ton of stuff that we didn’t need. The mental and emotional preparation was more challenging than getting the baby stuff because it is ongoing and considerations constantly have to be made as the kid grows.

Parenting is challenging, draining, scary, confusing, and time-consuming but with any challenge, humans have adapted ways to approach it with flexibility and ingenuity.

The mental and emotional factors at play for new parents impact the ways they must balance a relationship with their significant other, prioritize time for their personal and professional well-being, and spend time with the newest member of the family. Balancing all of these things is the reason why so many parents describe their new parenting journey as one that is centered solely around <insert baby name>. This baby centrism is likely due to the fact that these new parents are doing a great job of taking care of <insert baby name> and not such a good job in those other areas of their lives.

I have found that the key to being the dad who Daniel needs, is being the me who I need. That means it isn’t all about Daniel; it’s really all about us. I still have to work and exercise and write and walk the dog and and and… Those things will suffer from the quality at which they were addressed pre-baby, but it is up to me to make room for them.

One of the ways that I made room for Me, wife, and baby was leaving a job that I absolutely loved so I could work at a job that gave me more flexibility. The new job (which is great!) allows me to work remotely and set my own hours. I am also the top chef in the Ingram house, so another way I made room to balance all of my priorities was by preparing meals in advance and making Daniel’s baby food instead of buying it.

There are a ton of other small things that I did and am doing so I can be my best self. I have started investing creatively to secure our financial future, created passive income streams to free up my time, moved closer to family so that childcare is virtually free, chose a church that is close to our house, and minimized my personal belongings to reduce laundry and clutter. The list goes on, but I am doing all of these things so that the next conversation I have about “dadding” will be about how fun it is and not about how life-consuming it can be.


What are you doing to make room for parenting?

Purchase my book!

R. A. Ingram

Written by

Maker. Author of 13 and Some Change. Editor of BLERD Takes. Black dad and writer in the Bay Area. Lover of breakfast and Black superheroes.

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