A Trump Fairy Tale (or is it Obama, or Bush, or Clinton…)
Congratulations on your death and thank you for your interest in joining God and his Angelic Cohort in Heaven. Regretfully, I have to inform that on this occasion your application has not been successful. However, alternative accommodation has been found for you in Hell.
We very much hope you enjoy your stay.
The Heavenly Bureaucracy.”
After being executed for war crimes and sundry lies and deceptions, a prominent politician from the land of Anywhere is dispatched to Hell — and chaos breaks out in Heaven as a furious Devil demands a meeting with God. He wants the politician out of his infernal domain because, rather than suffering the torments of Hell, this strange, ‘too wicked for Hell’ individual is enjoying every blood-splattered moment of them!
God agrees to the meeting. But what on Earth (and Heaven) do you do with someone who is too wicked for Hell?
Too Wicked For…Hell!
On the twelfth of May 2021, the bureaucracy of Heaven (a bit cumbersome and creaky at the best of times, it has to be said) was plunged into total chaos. The cause of this chaos was events that had taken place down on planet Earth just two days earlier in the form of a judgement handed down by the Special International Criminal Court sitting in Madrid (much of northern and eastern Europe now being a nuclear-blasted, radioactive wasteland).
Said sentence was delivered by the Court against a character you probably know well but whom I shall call only The Politician. The Politician was a former President of the Former United States of America (much of which now resembled much of northern and eastern Europe), who had become an internationally reviled and hated war criminal. For playing a central role in bloodshed and conflicts the world over and, most particularly, the short lived but catastrophic Nuclear War of 2019, The Politician was sentenced to death: ‘to be hung by the neck until dead’.
And so it was that The Politician’s corrupt, self-serving and immensely destructive life was extinguished at the end of a rope. And as the body swung lifelessly in the air, its soul exited the earthly remains. Upon which event, highly specialised computer systems somewhere in a far off, dusty corner of Heaven (at the least those are the best terms I can think to describe what happened, for the mechanics of Heavenly Bureaucracy are beyond the whit and ken of mere mortals) sprang automatically into action. The celestial and spiritual equivalent of bytes and megabytes were crunched, reams and reams of data analysed in a flash. A life was balanced, weighed, judged and a passport was issued for The Politician — a passport straight to Hell:
Dear The Politician,
Congratulations on your recent death and thank you for your interest in joining God and his Angelic Cohort in Heaven. Regretfully, I have to inform that on this occasion your application has not been successful. However, alternative accommodation has been found for you in Hell.
We very much hope you enjoy your stay.
The Heavenly Bureaucracy.
So far, so good, you think, an evil individual dispatched to Hell. That’s as it should be, is it not?
For you see, upon reaching Hell, The Politician, rather than being terrified and suffering, found it all rather convivial. Everywhere The Politician looked pain and suffering could be found. People being boiled alive, people being forced to watch as their intestines were ripped out, people rolling boulders up never-ending hills whilst being ferociously whipped, people being savagely raped by horse-hung and hugely tumescent demons and, worst of all, people chained to the spot and having to listen to ‘One Direction’ songs played on a continuous (continuous as in forever) loop…
As both a connoisseur and expert in pain and suffering and someone who had developed and enjoyed extreme appetites in all senses of the expression, The Politician found this fascinating, exciting and really quite wonderful — forgetting the humiliation of a political career ending in abject failure, imprisonment, sentencing and the terror and pain of hanging and the irreconcilable strangeness of death (which, it seemed, wasn’t really death), The Politician decided that dying hadn’t actually been that bad and that being sent to hell was, basically, hitting the jackpot!
And The Politician followed The Politician’s nature and got to thinking. Here was a chance to take the habits of a lifetime into death and beyond, for The Politician’s nature was that of all of that kind, the kind that set themselves to rule over others. The Politician was a psychopath, a creature that always, always wanted more. A creature of vile and despicable desires. A creature that would always put itself first at the expense of others, a creature obsessed with power and its own greed — one that lived and functioned solely to satisfy these needs, oblivious to the consequences for ordinary people who are, after all, but a detail in history. Sheep to the slaughter. Chickens for plucking.
How best then to slaughter these particular sheep, pluck these particular chickens?
How best to take advantage of the wonderful, and obvious, opportunities that Hell presented to inflict pain and misery?
The answer to The Politician was obvious. Just as in the earthly realm the answer laying in discerning who were the real powers and becoming useful to them — forget those ordinary poor souls suffering a thousand torments, they had no function save to be moved around like chess pieces and provide fodder for perverse pleasure — so it would surely be in Hell. And the true power in the realm of Hell was, plain as eggs is eggs, The Devil….
If you’d like to see how this little tale turns out its now free to download from Amazon (until 3 Sept.).