How Hillary Clinton became Killary Hinton
Authors note: this story could equally be called The Strange Tale of Gorge Shebu, or Barrage Obomber, or Nodeal Rump for the Devil’s Children have, as previously stated, many disguises, all interchangeable and indistinguishable from each other.
Once upon a time… many, many years ago in a world long since forgotten, there was a country called Anywhere. And in the land of Anywhere there was a fine and prosperous city called Anyplace and in this city there lived, during the times of the ascendancy of the destructive and rapist Greedy One Percent, a politician called Killary Hinton.
Killary was a hugely corrupt and evil woman, most definitely one of the Devil’s Children, someone who had developed a fine mind but at the expense of her humanity; that was an empty space, a void that had been filled by naked ambition, greed and the reckless and dangerous needs of a dysfunctional sociopath.
From university, she entered the legal profession and soon, by dint of the fact that she was a good actor, an adept liar and lacking a social or moral compass she, not surprisingly, did very well in her chosen career and was soon a Promising Young Lawyer.
It was at the Promising Young Lawyer stage that she was spotted by members of The Greedy One Percent, who were always on the lookout for bright, morality-free, personable young men and women they could manoeuvre into positions of Responsibility And Power.
And so the inducements began. Having a Feral Ability to sniff out Bad Character, The Greedy One Percent recognised Killary’s dysfunctional and strange sense of self-regard, her greed for money and power and sociopathic nature. They suggested to her that she might enter the World Of Politics where, should she but do their bidding, she could be very useful to them and they could offer to her in return fame, power and lots and lots of money: a huge advance for a book of her memoirs at a later point in the future, a Guaranteed Income Stream from speaking tours (addressing members of The Greedy One Percent), lucratively paid non-executive directorships on the boards of Banks And Corporations, well-rewarded contracts to write articles for The Means Of Communication…these were just some of the inducements offered to Killary to do The Greedy One Percent’s bidding.
Killary accepted everything offered gladly: she was, and always had been, fascinated by the extremely wealthy and was desperate to join their ranks.
Mentored by The One Percent, quietly supported by their money and noisily supported by their tame journalists in The Means Of Communication, Killary rose quickly in the Political Sphere, soon becoming Leader of her party and then Leader Of The Country.
Killary now proved her worth to The Greedy One Percent. If a law needed changing or abrogating to allow them to pursue a business that had previously been seen as unconscionable or illegal, Killary changed it. If a (rare as Trolls teeth) honest politician or journalist needed to be blackmailed or bludgeoned into silence, Killary wielded the club. If corrupt policy had to be justified by lies, Killary lied. If the Public Services or Benefits And Welfare had to be cut to impoverish The Ordinary Folk, Killary did the cutting. If an Illegal War needed to be started in a Far Flung Land to enable The Greedy One Percent to steal that land’s resources and (extra bonus) make even more money selling arms…well, Killary started it.
In short, Killary proved to be an Invaluable Servant of The Greedy One Percent. If anything, they came to realise that they had, in fact, underestimated her greed for money and power and the depths of her sociopathic leanings: Killary not only did what they wanted but during the course of her time as Leader, she managed to prostitute the entire Office Of Leadership to the sole purpose of enriching herself and her Owners.
I suppose it could be argued that The Ordinary Folk of Anywhere had some blame in the rise of Killary Hinton. Perhaps they should have noticed that the Cloak Of Liberalism she wrapped herself in was as threadbare and as transparently fake as that of her predecessor to the Leadership, Barrage Obomber. Perhaps they should have realised that her infuriating habit of smiling whenever she was talking was in fact a form of “Distraction Theft;” the cheesy grin distracting your eye whilst hands sneak round the back of you and steal your wallet, your Life Chances and the Lives Of Your Children. I suppose I would then have to say, how can people make informed decisions when The Means Of Communication function as a 24 hour, 7 day a week, 365 days a year Propaganda Mouthpiece for the wealthy and powerful?
Whatever the rights and wrongs and who was to blame, Killary accumulated vast amounts of Blood And Treasure and became a happy woman. And if her incredible success was built on the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Brown People in Far Flung Foreign Lands and the impoverishment of others in her own country…well, then, what of it? You Ordinary Folk are but A Detail Of History.
Now one particular day, three years after stepping down as Leader Of The Country, Killary (now an immensely wealthy non-executive director of numerous corporations and banks, columnist, after dinner speaker, author, property investor and, irony of ironies, Peace Envoy) was giving a speech (for a very nice fee) to a Select Group of Greedy One Percent Individuals. Comfortable and pompous, she stood there on stage, pontificating from behind a lectern. Then something very, very strange happened.
Killary had spent a good half hour lauding the Wonderful And Generous Nature of the fabulously Wealthy and their Inestimable Contribution To The Nation, extolling the virtues of the Magick of “Trickle Down” theory and was just about to start telling a series of Vile Lies about the Leader of a Far Flung Foreign land, that being to lay the ground work for Propaganda in the next day’s Means Of Communication that would eventually become justification for another Illegal War, when her Soul decided it had had enough.
For, oddly, despite spending a lifetime in Killary’s corrupt body, her Soul had remained Pure, close to God and In Equilibrium With The Universe. But as it saw yet more Filth And Lies coming down from Killary’s diseased and crazed mind, filth aimed at starting yet another war in which yet more Innocents would die, that Soul decided enough was enough. It had always tried to do its God-Given duty, had spent decades telling Killary, No Don’t Do That It’s Horrible. Always it had been ignored, always squeezed out by Killary’s lust for money and power, by her complete lack of regard for others. It could no longer abide listening to the screams of thousands of innocent men, women and children who had died in Killary’s wars. It would not be party to, once again, sending brave and idealistic young men and women to fight and die in wars that served no purpose other than to line the pockets of Ugly, Perverse Old Men who were already fabulously wealthy but Whose Greed Knew No Bounds. It was time to accept defeat and save itself from the Rampant Corruption that this woman, this Child Of The Devil, represented. It was off, it was out of here and on to That Which Lies Beyond.
As Killary uttered the first of her lies about the Leader of the Far Flung Foreign Land, her face became very red. Sweat broke out on her forehead and poured down her face, she paused as she spoke, discomfited by the intense heat that had flared up inside her. Then she moaned in pain as more heat bubbled up from somewhere deep, deep down. Steam came off her in great waves. She rolled her head back and screamed as her eyes turned completely white, like egg yolks in a frying pan… clouds of smoke billowed from her mouth, nostrils and ears and she suddenly, and explosively, burst into flames, fire consuming her body as she stood at her lectern.
Terrified by such a spectacle, her Rich Guests ran screaming from the room, sparing them the site of Killary’s flaming head exploding into tiny fragments as her Soul made its exit from her Vile Body, a fast-moving Incandescence, shooting upwards, smashing through the nearest window, out into Fresh And Sweet Air, making its escape across a Broad, Bright Blue Sky.
What was left of Killary’s body collapsed to the floor, lying smouldering by the lectern. And at that point the ground around began to shake and tremor and a large hole opened up in the ground by Killary’s remains. It was hole so deep that it reached down to Hell itself and from it issued Flame and the Nauseating Smell of Brimstone, and out of the Hole crept a Large, Scaly, Red Hand which snatched away the remains of Killary and dragged them down to Hell: the hand of the Devil himself, come to reclaim one of his Special Children.
And the moral of this tale is: never trust those who seek to put themselves in positions of authority above you. They are strange and twisted people — sociopaths, deviants, thieves and rapists, and they seek only to benefit themselves and their dark desires.
Taken from my book ‘The Curious Little Book of Extraordinary Big Tales’