Like my friend Michelle Obama, I firmly believe that a girl’s education is extremely important. Which is why I’ve busy boning so I can educate all my ladiezz (where all my girls at?!) about the wonders of couples’ vibrators. Gone are the days where your only options were a strap on or a phallic-shaped vibrator. Today’s vibrators are far more advanced reaching your naughty bits in ways never imagined. So if you’re looking to spice up your sex life or just try something new a couples’ vibe might be just what the doctor ordered. Please enjoy.
Like the delicious rich goodness of a chocolate and peanut butter cup, the Eva allows you to combine the best of both worlds; clitoral stimulation and sex. Prior to opening the box, my first thought upon receiving this product was “holy shit, this is going to be amazing”.
However, when I opened the package I was afraid, very afraid. The unit itself was huge. Like the size of a mini cupcake. I couldn’t fathom how on earth it was going to stay in place during sex unless it was strapped on somehow. It seemed as possible as keeping a birthday hat on my dog. OK I don’t currently have a dog, but I used to and it was impossible to keep a hat on him or paint his nails. In any case, the two “arms” are supposed to rest on the lips (or labia as it’s known in more official circles) while the unit stays on top of your magic bean. Well we tried it and… it didn’t stay on. Trying to get it on was like trying to figure out how to put together IKEA furniture. I extremely was disappointed. More disappointed than the time I accidentally left a bag of pumpkin munchkins on the subway. I really wanted it to work. I reasoned maybe my vag is too small. Maybe it would work for someone with larger surface area? Larger labia? I have no idea, but there’s one thing I know for sure it didn’t work on me. Picture a sad face emoji right here.
This granddaddy of couples’ sex toys has been leading the way since Laura Ingalls got in her covered wagon. Alright not quite, but it’s been around for a while with multiple incarnations. While they’ve all been designed to be worn during sex, the We-Vibe 4 allows you to connect to your phone to an app so your partner can control the vibrator remotely.
This C-shaped (or “U” depending on how you look at it) is meant to be worn with one end inserted inside to stimulate the G-spot and the other side resting on your gummy bear (as Tommy Lee likes to call the clitoris) while you’re doing the horizontal mambo. It has 6 different patterns at 10 different speeds for a whopping 60 combos. So far so good, right? The We-Vibe 4 sounds like a veritable buffet of vibrations.
J and I were stoked to try this one out. I shoved the old girl in, trying to figure out how exactly this thing was supposed to rest on one’s clitoris. The arm that rests on the outside was simply too big; it ended up resting on my bikini line. I had to wonder who they had done the testing on. Do some people have an exceptionally long mound while having an exceptionally short vagina? It seemed improbable to me but then again, I’m no gynecologist.
Unable to get it to sit in the right position, I settled for leaving it where it was, giving J the remote and allowing him to find the right vibration. Honestly, if that’s all this toy did J would have been thrilled. The mere thought of controlling my hooha filled him with an indescribable glee. But we had more work to do.
At first it was kind of odd; like my vag was having a threesome. Once I got used to it, it was kind of enjoyable. It’s the kind of toy you use when you want to take it nice and slow; like an R & B song. I know sorry, you’ll have to save the death metal for next time. We tried going a bit faster, but it started to feel abrasive and like it might dislodge so we stuck to our slower pace. According to J the vibration was interesting but not necessarily stimulating. Like an episode of “The Bachelorette”. However, he did enjoy the smaller space it created.
Personally I think We-Vibe would be great if you’re shagging someone on the smaller side (or if you are a guy on the smaller side). It provides added tightness all under the guise of being adventurous.
HOT OCTOPUSS PULSE
It may be called Octopuss (maybe it should be called Octopussy?) but it’s shaped more like an egg that’s turned inside out.
When it comes to toys and vibrators it seems like girls have all the fun. But Octopuss is for the boys. The Pulse II vibrates both on the inside and on the outside with added ridges for enhanced pleasure. For use as a couples toy, the man simply slips it over his mini me while the woman grinds on top. Because of the way it’s shaped, you can’t actually have sex with it on. Unless, I imagine, you have a vagina the size of the Grand Canyon.
J put it on and once again I started giggling. It’s hard to remain turned on when your man’s junk looks like it’s wrapped in a giant rubber burrito. After letting him get used to it, I climbed on to for the full effect. The vibrations were interesting, like being on a very powerful motorboat or like one of those massage chairs. It didn’t really hit any of the right areas (at least the right ones if you want to get off) but it did provide a nice tingly buzz, the kind that’s good enough to get the party started. As for J, he enjoyed the vibrations and can’t wait to try it on his own. Some people have his and hers towels. We have his and hers vibrators.