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The Hard Truth Of Failure

My family has been weirdly plagued by failure. It stopped my brother from following his dreams, it’s made my uncle into a lonely drunk, it forced my cousin into bringing upon his own death. Failure hurts everyone.

For me, I’ve always been terrified to fail. Maybe it’s because I saw what it did to my brother and how long it took him to get out of the rut it put him in. Maybe it’s because the idea of failing and not reaching for what I’ve always wanted made me breakdown. Whatever happened, I still feared it.

To this day, it follows me around like a shadow and reminds me that I can still fail. I can still remain the girl who wanted but never received. It’s terrifying and scary and I don’t know how to shrug it off. So, I use it.

Whenever I’m feeling completely lost, I channel that into writing. I turn it into characters or stories and make my fear of failing the reason I may actually succeed. Fears define us, but we can’t let them consume us.

Ever since I was younger, I have wanted to act. I remember running through my brother’s home movies and yelling things so then he had to put me into the movie. When I moved to California at the age of 10, I really started focusing in on this dream of taking my mom to the Oscars one day.

What they don’t tell little girls who want to be famous actresses is that it’s not easy. Acting isn’t some mindless task. It takes intelligence and resilience and the knowledge that you’ll be told you aren’t talented enough more than you’re told you’re brilliant.

But there is a confidence you have to have to get anywhere in this business. For a while, I lost it. I forgot that I have this talent that I can’t push aside and I almost let that consume me. I almost let myself fail.

And then I thought about how it would feel to move back with my parents and live a life that wasn’t in the spotlight. It honestly made me sick. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe and that if I was left to that, I’d end up alone and miserable.

So, I let my fear of failure fuel me. I let that drive me to work hard and create and make opportunities for myself so I don’t end up the shell of a person I could become.

Failure is scary, it can destroy us, but we just have to use that fear of it to keep us going and keep us fighting.