Korben sitting on the couch waiting for treats

How to Get Over Fear

I’m afraid I’m ruining my dog. Puppy class is tomorrow, and my three month old Labrador mix has not been adequately de-sensitized this week. We were told the importance of ‘gentling’, which sounds suspiciously like petting your dog, but it’s really much more involved. It’s intentional. It’s one of the many ways in which you can ruin your dog — by not doing it enough, or a without the right treats, or at the wrong time of day, or just by being a terrible person, probably.

People with kids probably worry that they are ruining their kids. I don’t know, I don’t have kids, I have a dog, and I’m convinced that I will break him with the sheer force of my inadequacy.

At the start of this year, all those months ago, I decided I was going to let go of my fear and finally do the writing/dancing/singing/cooking/podcasting that I have felt too afraid to for the longest time. Working with friends and collaborators is easy compared to doing basically anything on my own. I can’t remember when the fear started, because probably it’s always been there, but it definitely got worse when I was laid off from my cushy job sitting in an office overlooking Times Square wearing business casual attire. Now I mostly wear leggings. All of my long leggings need to be washed so I’m wearing ¾ length leggings with big woolly socks to cover my hairy legs. I say this to reassure you that they are not on display, offending the dog. I’m not a total libertarian like.

I want to fly solo. I want to be the cliché in the chopper who takes the wheel (do choppers have steering wheels?) and lets out a guttural cry of hope and elation while soaring over a sunset on the way to save the world. I want to get over my fear. An ex-boyfriend once told me that the only way we change is when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of something new. He wasn’t willing to get over his prescription pain killer addiction and may have been illiterate, but that’s a story for another time. The point is still valid, I can’t keep propping up the people I work with if I don’t pay some attention to my own foundation. I probably will have to do some soul searching and read some Eckhart Tolle, so apologies in advance and feel free to discontinue further reading if those things are not for you. I do not blame you, I don’t particularly want to go on this journey either, but apparently I have to if I’m ever going to stop turning into a rock as a response to pressure.

The title was misleading, I’ll admit that, but skip into the future and there might be a good ending?