since the dream injury / trauma release of this past week, the plot continues to thicken.
something came through super clear & strong a while ago around how the deeper I go into the realm of the unseen/unconscious, the deeper I root in the physical.
something like that.
& now I type that out it seems almost insultingly obvious. like I could dress it up in all kinds of outfits to make it seem more impressive & profound but it would still parrot the same essential thing that people have been saying for aeons:
as above so below.
as within so without.
& since acting on the dream tip-off & discovering the unprocessed emotional debris in my left hip; that is to say, since heeding the advice of the subtle realm & taking action in the physical realm, that truth has only become more & more enormous by the day.
a handful of months ago I was in session with my healer. we were talking about something seemingly inconsequential, not actually doing any healing or energetic work, & out of nowhere the screen of my mind wiped itself blank for a few seconds.
& in that fleeting window she saw a soul-part move in. the whole of my left side began to buzz like a pair of clippers.
& the over the weeks, there was a settling.
an expanded sense of wholeness.
over the last few days my left side has gotten denser still. I’d even go as far as to say that I can feel tension there for the first time — tension in joints that have been historically hyper-mobile & unstable.
there is a newly amassed wealth of sensation — some discomfort & aching — the muscles & sinew & fascia responding to the awakening of new channels.
& my historically ‘ard as nails, “take it all on, get it all done” right side — my hyper active & over protective masculine — has softened.
for three nights on the trot I’ve woken up half way through dreaming to pee & immediately re-entered that corner of the astral to continue the level. last night I was searching for someone & there was a clear message:
keep going.
& amidst this software (& hardware) upgrade, my longest standing addiction — to escaping into fantasy — has stirred out of a five month dormancy, exposing all of the hidey-holes where afraid parts who aren’t on board with the influx of energy, who’d rather lay in bed & do fuck all than serve the hugeness of the thing that’s been tapping on the window of my psyche-container for years huddle away -
masturbating on the fantasy as opposed to creating the reality.
there is a certain quality & texture of feeling & sensation that pours in like a deluge before I am enticed to collapse into escape & it is desire
eros in its purest form.
& honestly I don’t know wtf I’m doing with it just yet or how to BE inside of it so that this immense, heart-rending longing — the raw material of creation — can flow.
like, REALLY flow.
but I can see a pathway to knowing.
& I feel nothing but love for the version of me that couldn’t fully conceive of the above as an extension of the below.
like, the absolutely ludicrous, mind-blowing massiveness of what that actually, really means.
that spent such a long time frantically reaching into the without unknowingly divorcing my soul from it’s only true form of sustenance within.
that contorted an affinity for inner-sight & used it as a numbing device, as a way to discharge power so I wouldn’t have to hold it.
so today I went down to the sea & I asked if she’d help me out because try as I might to love it all, the pull to collapse was strong & sometimes I forget that it’s okay to ask for support.
I’m visiting my family & it was my mum’s idea to go for a swim.
we’d had a tearful embrace the night before after I admitted that I had been hesitant to reach out to her during a scary transition phase because of some old bullshit about being a burden & “I didn’t want to do that to myself anymore” & she held me.
& the sea held me (& reminded me to come back more often)
& my body is holding me (the feminine left more responsibly & the masculine right more gently)
& my dreams are holding me (as they always have!)
& while I can’t see clearly the entirety of the pathway, I can walk more gracefully in the darkness than ever -
in the liminal space between density & subtlety;
the ever-growing solidity of the below aiding in supporting the infinitely-expanding magic of the above.
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