You know what really grinds my gears

Some of the current family household dynamics

R. L. Heyen
Aug 24, 2017 · 7 min read

Several households in 2017 have both partners working, and no longer consist of the typical ‘old fashion,’ household. Or that one partner does stay at home, but this could be the woman or the man. In an ever-changing society, whatever works for a family shouldn’t be judge upon. There could be many shifts in a couple’s life that has one or the other taking on more of the financial obligations. There is no problem I see in working as a team with both partners giving their 100% as long as they are equally sharing the entire home’s responsibilities.

If the typical household paradigm has shifted, then should the typical household roles shift accordingly?

If for instance, one partner works, should the non-working spouse take care of the household duties, or if both partners work, then should the household responsibilities be divide up?

What I see a lot is one person taking on both the financial responsibility as well as the household responsibilities. What about this seems fair? Yes, yes, I get it, this isn’t a fair world, but should your home not the ‘place’ to have fairness, or least your household’s version of it?

Kids or no kids. If both spouses are working, both should be helping inside the home, is this an outrageous thought? Or is it just that one partner knows if they don’t do it, it will get done by the other partner? I sit wondering this, if you love someone, and want to be the source of their happiness, wouldn’t lightening their load seem like a starting point?

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On several occasions, I myself have seen women now helping out financially or even being the breadwinners, but it is expected for the women to come home to also do the household chores. In all honesty, what woman would see a situation such as this and say, “I’d love to be in her spot.” Wondering the answer to this question? None, because no one wants to be stuck doing everything on their own . So then why would a man want to create this dynamic for her? I get it. Who wants to clean and cook all the time when there are other things you could be doing, like… relax? However, my question is why would you put that on one person, the one person you are suppose to be sharing a life with? Plus, don’t men know it’s sexy when a man does chores? It isn’t about the chores themselves, but the thought of alleviating some of the burden. Get it? If you want more of whatever you want, she actually has to have the energy and the time to give you more of what it is you want.

Don’t get me wrong there are two sides to every story. There are also a lot of situations I see where women want to be the stay at home partners while their spouse goes off to make the money, fine. If that works for that relationship, perfect. However, there are some women that do stay at home but their home isn’t clean and there are no meals being cooked. A pretty face and what you offer physically might only work to get them, not keep them at the table. Spending a time with an attractive woman that doesn’t contribute to the home will eventually get old. Why would a woman feel she should get to stay at home and not contribute somehow?

If you’re in a relationship with someone, the goal should not be how can you get taken care of or how can I do less, but how can we take care of each other and how can I do more? If you are living with your family, or your family is living with you is the goal not to have a peaceful working household? Like I said, all families look different, and what works for one, may not work for another.

However, for the ones not upholding their end of the partnership, does the ship not tilt? And when it is tilted to one side too long, does the ship not sink?

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In the article, Working Women still do Housework,” in Daily Mail. com discusses research on this exact topic, reports show that women take care of most of the household responsibilities even though they are a working member on the household as well. In fact, three times as much. It was said that even one in five men were doing nothing around the house at all. Not including childcare, it was said that the average man spent under six hours a week on household duties and the average woman spent seventeen hours a week, but more than a quarter of the women spouses actually spent over those seventeen. (A good but separate point in the article is that the same opportunities in the workforce can’t be provided for women if their male partners aren’t splitting more of the household duties. You do want your partner to be successful right?)

In another article discussing the “Pew Research poll,” titled Modern Marriage. I like Hugs. I like Kisses. But what I Really Love is Help with the Dishes, stated that with faithfulness and good sex, household duties actually came in third as ranking ‘marriage issues.’ Third. If that doesn’t say a lot, that means it came before such things as income, housing, children, religious beliefs, or even common interests. I feel like that speaks volumes.

How can this issue be avoided? Clear division of household labor. Unless it’s really about you not wanting to put in the work, setting a clear division of household duties will help eliminate some of the resentment and helplessness felt by the partner that works but also does all or the majority of the chores. The goal should be to make the relationship you are in a healthy and thriving one, correct? So apparently chores and household responsibilities is a big deal.

Lastly, I will end with an article, “The Difference between a Happy Marriage and a Miserable one. Chores,” which interprets interviews done by married couples and the division of household duties, of course there were couples struggling just to stay peaceful with a simple task such as cooking together, however I want to bring to light, it seemed couples were finding it hard to have a clear understanding of what their roles were, one husband felt like his wife always stood over him and told him what to do and his wife felt like if she never told him what to do, it would never get done. What a conundrum. How might we find answers? “Having clear and consensual division of labor,” sets up the mutual “understanding,” and “enables partners to fulfill their household duties,” which in turn makes each partner feel “respected for the contributions they made.”

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This seems simple enough, right? So why do there seem to be so few relationships where there are these clear divisions of labor? I’m not just talking about the women take the inside, the men take the outside. The inside, we all know is an everyday task to keep it running, the outside might be a once in a while project, or once every week or so. Why not split the household responsibility in half if both partner are working, if one works more than the other, figure out a way to divide it accordingly.

>cleaning… its a home, there is lots to do

>cooking…there are multiple days of the week

>laundry…it’s never ending

>dishes…you dirty a dish, you clean it, or… you cook, I do the dishes mash-up could always work

>childcare (if you have them) attention, feeding, bathing, teaching, homework, taking kids to extracurricular activities

Most people don’t love making sure the household stays intake all the time, but it’s always going to be a never-ending part of life. Seems clear. Sit down, negotiate and compromise to come up with an understanding of who does what. And stick with it. Stick to it and your word. Don’t be a slacker. That’s weak. At least not in your household. Those people have to live with you.

If you have any tips or comments please share below. If you have anything you liked to share on what works and didn’t work in your household, share below. Any comments, feedback, or advice would be appreciated.

— R. L. Heyen

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Instagram: rlheyen

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