Close To You
It was a cold winter’s afternoon in the countryside. We take a closer look at the house right next to the park. Inside there is a gathering of friends, old and new, to watch some football and celebrate the upcoming Christmas holidays together. We go one step further and find one man, sitting alone in his thoughts on this gleeful occasion. His mind a blur, his thoughts stirring in his head, but not of christmas trees and decorations, but of regrets, past mistakes, loneliness, and what seems to be the lack of any substantial emotion. These might be thoughts that his friends and coworkers once shared with him, but as he closes in on himself and becomes a tightly wound book of secrets they will never know the troubles that he finds himself facing. The fire-breathing dragons of remorse and regret and the other demons that lay beneath his subconscious. But after dealing with these demons for years and still standing, he has managed to perfect a visage that will protect his true emotions from those he loves. Let us take a closer look into his psyche during this happy occasion, because tonight is about to change his life forever.
*ominous music begins to play as the view shifts from an overview of the gathering to inside the mind of Rahim as we begin to see everything through his eyes*
He’s all alone! The 30! The 20!! The 10!!! Touchdooooown!!!!!!!
Half of them erupted into cheers, the other half into sneers. They prodded and poked fun at one another, the winners laughed at the losers and the losers came up with excuses for their team’s poor performance. I was in my own little world for a minute there, i wasn’t really paying attention to the game at all. I mean, i usually love to watch football, but recently my heart just hasn’t been in it. I look at my best friends bouncing on the couch and laughing at the girls and guys cheering for the losers. Then he looked at me and i gave a disingenuous and pointed back at him like “YEAH our team is winning and shit”. He was so caught up in the hype that he bought it. Funny thing is, that the game was only in the 3rd quarter, so it could easily go either way at any point. But you gotta get hype at all times to have more fun watching right.
I took out my phone and turned it on. 0 messages. 0 updates. It was dry as hell. So i stuffed it back in my pocket and continued to sit against the wall close to the sofa. I took a deep breath and decided that i need to start enjoying these moments, because it’s not everyday that i get to spend time with all of my best friends from University. Like we all live at different ends of the country. I got to enjoy the little time we have together. So i gave myself this stupid shitty pep talk in hopes that it would pick up my mood, and even though i felt like i was faking it i started to act like i had my shit together. I started to actually participate in getting hype as hell for the game and my anxieties and stress all actually decided to take a backseat for a little while. It was fantastic. I was actually enjoying myself and goofing around and stuff.
It was all going great until at the end of the 3rd quarter. There was this girl sitting on the sofa opposite to my best friend. I hadn’t even noticed her this entire time, but she stood up and looked at me and said “Hey Rahim, you wanna help me make a drink?” I was shocked, i wasnt even sure i knew who this girl was, and i was stunned for a few seconds as she looked over at me invitingly. My best friend’s eyes got wide and he slyly gestured that i go and join her, and with each nod he made it slightly more obvious as if he was whispering in my ear “Damn dude, she’s cute go join her already”.
“Uh, yeah sure” i stammered as i walked over to the dinner table. We sat down and i stared at the wide array of alcoholic drinks as she began to grab and mix drinks as if she was a bartender in her past life. I noticed her silky black hair draped over one shoulder and her glowing tan skin began to shine in the light. She was gorgeous, with her deep brown eyes that were inviting, yet kind.
“Do you want me to make you one?” She said. Wait, what the hell, we sat down like 30 seconds ago and she’s already crafted this dope looking christmas drink.
“No thanks, i don’t drink”
“Oh, i didn’t know that! That’s pretty cool.” She said as she smiled at me. And i swear i could feel the whole room light up.
But then it all stopped. She sat there sipping on her drink, and i could feel my mouth being forced shut as my anxieties started to trickle back into my mind and i couldn’t think of anything to say. All i could think about was, If you put a penguin in a tuxedo would you be able to tell it apart from other penguins? Fuck. It’s fucking happening again. I’m with this girl that is breathtaking, she may be interested in me and i can’t for the fucking life of me think of anything to say.
I made a grumbling sound as i was physically frustrated at my inability to carry a conversation with this cute girl. Then it started to take over. My vision started to disfigure. It’s as if i was losing reception on everything i saw before me. Like a tv that is slowly transitioning to white sound. And all i could hear echoing in the depths of my mind was wow, i don’t even have any game in my own fucking dreams… I started rapidly looking around the room and blinking to restore my sight. I probably looked like a complete moron, so i started to brush my eyes with my hands as if i just yawned.
“Is everything okay? You seem a little quiet” she softly spoke with her elegant voice.
“What? Uh, yeah, everything’s totally fine. Um…” I looked behind her and saw the streetlight shining out in the night lighting up the light snowfall. It was a picturesque scene and before i could even process it i blurted “you want to go outside? Uh, um, i mean do you want to got to the park and, like, walk around or something? It’s up to you” as the words just fell out of my mouth, all jumbled up and filled with anxiety.
“Yeah sure!” She accepted in a cheerful tone. She got up and grabbed my hand as we quietly made our way outside.
The park looked beautiful, there was a single street light glowing onto the snow below and it’s reflection cast a shimmering light. I was entirely caught up in the moment. It was spectacular. One moment we went from quietly drinking, or me watching her quietly drink (boy if i had a dollar for everytime that has happened), to us walking through the snow hand in hand. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how i even got into this scenario in the first place. It was magnificent.
I stopped her underneath the street light and looked at her straight in her beautiful eyes. “Wait” i said as i took a deep breath and began to dig deep. “I’m sorry i’m super quiet and shy…” And as i was talking i could feel a rush of memories flow back into my mind like a wild riptide. I remembered the first time we met, and how i could feel an instant connection. How it was love at first sight, at least from my point of view. How i could never get her out of my mind for weeks, especially during the times that we were never with the same group of people. She was constantly the only girl i thought about and how this moment was the perfect one for me to tell her how i felt.
“… I really like you. I always have, and i never knew how to tell you, or that you would even think about feeling the same way that i do. But, I said it and i mean it. You’re constantly on my mind, but i don’t know how to act around you. I just get so — ” While i was stammering out my feelings mixed with plenty of filler um’s and uh’s she pulled me close and kissed me. It was magnificent. I could feel the entire world light up for those few seconds. It’s as if i could feel the love radiate off of me in flowing pink embers spreading love out to the world. The whole world stopped for a second while i relished in this moment that i wished could last forever. We pulled back, hand in hand and just stared at each other for a full second until she broke the silence.
“I feel the same way about you”. She gave off an adorable shy smile and i had a big goofy grin spread all across my goofy face as my heart was pounding and singing us a love song.
But before we could continue to just spend an eternity staring into each others eyes, a blurry white puff came out of nowhere and smacked me right on the shoulder. It exploded and sent bits and pieces of snow all over the two of us.
“Sorry to ruin the moment but i couldn’t have timed it any better. Wow! If only i got you in the face!” my best friend yelled out as he bent down to pick up some more snow.
“Get behind me!” I yelled in a confident and manly tone i had never used before “i’ll save us!” as it broke into a comical farce of a superhero catchphrase. I shielded her behind me as we laughed out and everyone joined us outside after hearing all of the commotion. We started hurling snowballs at everyone else. It was the two of us against the world. I would purposely jump in the way of any snowball that came towards us to shield her and we both started hurling snowballs at everyone else while yelling crude insults and laughing loudly.
After the snowball fight subsided everyone just stood in their own groups chatting and fooling around in the snow. But i stood right in front of her locked into that stare we shared earlier. This time i leaned in for the kiss and lifted her up in the air. It was like a movie scene, i could feel the camera spin around us as we locked into a kiss that lasted forever. It was eternal, it didn’t feel like this kiss would ever end. It was just as beautiful as the first and just as lovely. I could once again feel the love being spread from us to everyone in the world. Our bond was unmatched, i really did feel like it was love at first sight. We kissed for what seemed like forever, i could feel the years gracefully slip by as i pictured our lives together, our wedding, house, kids and everything in between. Until the kiss ended. The picture i had in my mind slowly started to drip away as i was reminded that i was currently living the greatest moment of my life so far.
After staring into each others eyes she looked at me with a cute gaze. Took a deep breath and softly said “I…”
The vision evaporated from my mind as i woke up in my bed surrounded by my dogs and the sunlight beaming through my bedroom window. It was all a dream. It was all a fucking dream. I thought to myself, as it fucking happened again. I dropped back down onto my pillow and shut my eyes tightly. I tried to replay all of the memories that i had left of that dream. But every time i looked at her i saw nothing. Her gorgeous face and features had been wiped clean. I could not remember for the life of me what she has looked like. The face that had captivated my dream goes missing. It had disappeared from my subconscious and i had woken up completely broken. Not just the fact that this love i thought i experienced was all a fucking sham. But even the fact that this mystery woman that completely controlled my thoughts and made me feel happy once again. She entranced me with her alluring attraction and adorable demeanour but i could not figure out how. I felt the spark between us for some reason, but many moments of the dream are just black holes ripped from the script. Only to be rewritten by the only man who lived them, if you could even call it living, or experiencing. I tried my best to piece together what i can remember. But for the life of me i cannot figure out what about this mystery woman captivated me like this. Was it her looks? Because i cannot picture them. Was it our conversation? Because i cannot remember any of the words we shared together. All i remember is the passionate kisses. The one’s that i wish would never end. And yeah, this reads like a very shitty short story by some high school idiot and this final passage reads like it was ripped out of the pages of twilight or some shit like that. But that really is kinda how i feel about this whole thing. As if i was betrayed by my mind, or left to wander the earth alone unable to recapture this feeling. And it’s not the first time it’s happened either.
