Creating Space For What Matters

What’s the one of the most common responses when you ask someone how they’re doing?

“I’m so busy!”

We take this response for granted these days. For many of us, it’s a badge of honor. I remember all the elevator conversations at my previous job where I’d just instinctually say I was super busy. I wasn’t, but I felt the pressure to say this because it meant I’m important and doing many things. So busy that I don’t have time to answer that question with any real thought.

Now I don’t mean to say there’s plenty of free-time for everyone and that many of us aren’t overwhelmed. There are millions of people that work their asses off everyday and barely make ends meet. They need even more time. It’s fucked up.

I’m arguing that for a large portion of the salaried, office-working type, we don’t really question what busyness really is because there is no outside incentive to do so. For the power structures that be, there is no reason why we should question being in the office for 8 hours when we can finish in 4.

The main issue is that saying we are busy is a lazy answer. What are you spending your time doing? How much of that is in reaction to outside forces — the distractions (Oh, Facebook I love you), the opinions of mass culture, your parents, what you think you should be doing?

The busy-quicksand is that when we’re busy, then we don’t even have time to look at why we’re so busy. It becomes an excuse to avoid checking in with the direction of our life.

At the root of it, our busyness manifests as a lack of space. It manifests everywhere. In our physical space, our mental clutter, the long list of never-ending to-do’s that rarely have priority.

But it’s tough. There’s great forces against us. We have the inexplicably amazing lives of everyone projected at us, all the time. We live in the age of FOMO. What are you not doing? What are you not having and being? No wonder we are overwhelmed and overcommitted and yet constantly feeling like we are falling behind.

The social pressure is real. Imagine if someone at work answered with “You know, I’m feeling on top of everything. I have a balanced lifestyle where I work enough to keep learning and moving things forward, but don’t fetishize growth for the sake of it.” What?! Fire that asshole.

To combat these forces, we need to consciously create space. Time to reflect, time to sit back and notice the inertia of our lives. Where the hell this stream is actually headed and if we’re even enjoying it. We call it “room to breathe” for a reason. For the breath to come in, the body must expand. In this way, our lives literally depend on the creation of space.

So how do you create space when you are busy?

Step 1: Big Picture Thinking and Key Focus Areas

First, start with the highest level as your guiding compass — what are the key focus areas of your life? What the hell do you care about? Really. Right now for me, it’s health, counseling, relationships and music. All of my efforts in growing and learning are directed in these areas.

Take just 5 minutes to ponder this. It is amazing how putting this into your consciousness starts bringing awareness into the time-sucks and things that aren’t very important.

And remember, these areas are flexible. They are simply a compass. At first, you may end up with a million focus areas. But something that’s taken me a long time to realize is that if you’re focused on everything, you’re not really focused on anything.

Life can be long if you allow it. Take your time to prioritize for the time being.

Step 2: Pausing and Breathing

So you’ve got the big picture compass to start creating space. What about your day-to-day? There’s so much pulling at us. We end up rushing around. Next thing to next thing. You may even have this little machine inside your pocket where anyone can contact you at anytime and you can look at anything whenever you want. It’s amazing and dreadful.

We need to pause and breathe throughout the day. It seems so simple and yet take a single day of your life and notice how little space there is for you to stop rushing around for 30 seconds. The exercise here is what I call the 3-Breath-Break.

At some point each day (I recommend the same time everyday when you start out), pause, close your eyes, and take 3 deep breaths where you really let your belly expand. If you’ve ever noticed a baby, that’s how they naturally breathe because we haven’t screwed them up yet. Breathing this way induces a relaxation response in the nervous system. After 3 deep breaths, bring some awareness into the sensations of your body just a few moments. Maybe the feeling of the ground below you, maybe the feelings in your chest or stomach. Bringing awareness into our bodies is a reprieve and space from the constant attention that is sucked into our heads. To end, remind yourself of one of your key focus areas and move on with your day. You just meditated!

Step 3: Saying No

While the first two practices are internal, there’s one last piece — our relation to the external world. I mentioned how we live in the age of FOMO. It’s easy to get overcommitted and want to do everything. To combat this, practice the art of saying no. It’s an art because it involves being aware of what’s really a priority for you and knowing whether you are responding from a place of FOMO or true interest. This takes time and a sort of vigilance. Our culture of more makes it exceedingly difficult to prioritize and accept trade-offs. But if we want to live effective lives, our energy needs containment and boundaries. It means “missing out” because we’ve consciously chosen to do something else. Such is the sacrifice of being human.

This may prove exceedingly difficult for many of us (mostly talking to myself here). When this happens, ask yourself the worst-case scenario. What happens if you didn’t go to ___ party? Or said no to that new project? Would you be still be okay? Stuff may come up.

Practice today. The opportunity to say no will come up sooner than you think. Create that space.

A life of priority is harder and harder these days, but the relaxation and ease that comes with accepting our limited time and inability to clone ourselves (yet) is worth it. Space is what is sorely missing in our modern, rushed lifestyles. Magical things are possible when we are able to step back and pause. We just need to learn to start trusting that again.

So forget busy. Let’s go for spacious, full and engaged.

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I recently created an online course, where an entire portion of it is on creating space. It addresses the question of “How do I make effective, lasting change in my life when I’m so busy?” Check it out.